Passed up as MOH

Knottie1465443312 · June 2016

I was asked to be the MOH in my friend's wedding. Although we live in different states. She didn't have many friends where she lives. She took forever to decide what type of wedding she wanted (out of town/big/small). At one point she decided to even just have her parents as witnesses instead. No biggie to me! It's her wedding after all. After she decided on the type of wedding and date she asked if I could throw her a bachelorette party. Of course I said yes! She requested a girl's weekend at the nicest hotel in town which was a huge chunk of cash for me, on top of all of the desserts, decorations, favors, games, drinking and ubering. To say the least it was very hard financially to make that happen. As the wedding got closer there was no talk of me needing to buy MOH dresses/go to rehearsals etc...I figured she decided to not have a wedding party. I didn't want to pry because I didn't want to make her feel awkward if she decided not to have me be MOH. I also found that she quit talking to me about the wedding. I would ask her questions about flowers, or colors and would get no response! It was strange because before she was ever engaged we talked about wedding ideas like crazy! When I traveled to the wedding (it was out of town for me) She seemed to have chosen another girl to be MOH without even telling me! She basically ignored me the whole time I was in town hanging out with this other girl, stood me up one day for plans that SHE made with me for about 4 hours the whole time saying "I'll be there in about 30 minutes" on top of that she kept saying stuff in front of me about the other girl like "I can't think of anyone I would want by my side today more than you" it was SO WEIRD. Especially because she was still kind of acting like she was excited I was there at the same time (just doing a poor job of it). I went home and didn't say anything about it. My feelings were hurt but it's her decision and her wedding. I just wish she would have told me or at the very least be NICE to me while I was in town as I thought we were very good friends. My question is should I mention it or let it go? I'd like to be friends still, but maybe if she acts that way then she's not a good friend to keep anyway. How would you react? Would you try to mend the friendship or just forget about her. I'm at a point where I've let go of a lot of toxic people so maybe I need to let go of her too? I can't think of anything I did that would piss her off, but who knows. I just kind of feel like she used me and then was pretty rude.

ILoveBeachMusic · June 2016

Let her go! It definitely sounds like she used you to get the bach party she wanted. I'm sorry this happened to you. I know it really hurts.

SP29 · June 2016

Definitely very rude. It was never her right to ask you for a bachelorette party (you would be the one to offer), nor for her to make demands on your budget (you plan what you and the other guests could afford).

Personally, I'd end the relationship, you don't need people like that in your life.

Knottie1465443312 · June 2016

@SP29 @ILoveBeachMusic You both are right. You confirmed what I was thinking, but didn't want to admit yet. There's no point in keeping "friends" like that. Thank you for your comments.

CMGragain · June 2016

Yes, she used you. Yes, you are right to be unhappy about her rudeness. No, you don't need her in your life. Drop her.

downtondiva · June 2016

With friends like that, who needs enemies? Drop her and don't look back.

STARMOON44 · June 2016

She asked you to be her MOH and you never said anything in the whole process? Yes, stop being friends with her but also grow a backbone.

kimmiinthemitten · June 2016

Her behavior was definitely hurtful, but I do agree with @starmoon44 that you could have spoken up since she did ask you. Sounds like a friendship not really worth preserving.

Knottie1465443312 · June 2016

I agree @starmoon44 @kimmiinthemitten looking back I should have pushed the issue more. I honestly didn't think anything of it at the time because she had gone back and forth so much about the type of wedding she wanted. I honestly thought she had decided to not have a wedding party. When I couldn't get answers from her about wedding details I figured she was keeping things private. I did try to start the convo many times by leading in with questions about minor details like flowers/decor. I have plenty of friends who have kept ceremony details and even babies names private until birth so they don't get any unwanted input or objections to their decisions. I trusted her so I never thought she would do something like that. I think what hurt me the most is not just the bach party (that was just the icing on the cake) but on top of that how she switched the MOH and wasn't even sensitive about it with all of the comments she made about the other girl while I was there, and then making plans with me and leaving my husband and I in the hotel while she kept saying she was on her way. We eventually just left to explore the city and told her to call us when she was ready. I have been known to be too easy going. I really try to give people their space sometimes to my own detriment. Definitely need to work on that.

While typing this, it sound like she and I both suck at communicating with each other which doesn't make a good foundation for a friendship anyway. Thanks for your comments.

climbingsingle · June 2016

This woman is not your friend. She absolutely used you and treated you like crap. Life is too short to have shitty friends.

I can understand why you didn't bring up the MOH thing. From what you posted, it seems like she was unsure of what she wanted bridal party-wise. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Jen4948 · June 2016

I would end the friendship too after being treated like that. Go on with your life with true friends and don't look back.

levioosa · June 2016

What a shitty "friend." End this friendship and learn to stand up for yourself in the future. I'm sorry you were treated like that.

MCmeow · June 2016

What a horrible bride... Just because it's "her wedding" doesn't mean she can let go of basic decency. I think you should bring this up to her at least so she knows what she did is wrong but let her go as a friend.

DrillSergeantCat · June 2016

Hopefully this never happens again, but if you're ever asked again to host a bachelorette party and it's not clear whether you are the MOH, your response should be, "That's usually the responsibility of the MOH, but I'd be happy to help her plan."

levioosa · June 2016

DrillSergeantCat said:

Hopefully this never happens again, but if you're ever asked again to host a bachelorette party and it's not clear whether you are the MOH, your response should be, "That's usually the responsibility of the MOH, but I'd be happy to help her plan."

No. This is incorrect. There are no duties for the WP except to show up on time, sober, and in the correct attire. Anyone can throw a B party, regardless of status in the BP. If no one offers, the bride does not get one.

DrillSergeantCat · June 2016

levioosa said:
No. This is incorrect. There are no duties for the WP except to show up on time, sober, and in the correct attire. Anyone can throw a B party, regardless of status in the BP. If no one offers, the bride does not get one.

I agree with the bolded and I agree that anyone can throw a party. I'll be honest, I get my information from sites like this one, Real Simple, Brides, and I have a book about being a bridesmaid. This "friend" should not have asked, but is it not traditionally the MOH that plans the parties?

SaintPaulGal · June 2016

DrillSergeantCat said:

levioosa said:
No. This is incorrect. There are no duties for the WP except to show up on time, sober, and in the correct attire. Anyone can throw a B party, regardless of status in the BP. If no one offers, the bride does not get one.

I agree with the bolded and I agree that anyone can throw a party. I'll be honest, I get my information from sites like this one, Real Simple, Brides, and I have a book about being a bridesmaid. This "friend" should not have asked, but is it not traditionally the MOH that plans the parties?

I'd say it is most commonly done that way, but that doesn't mean that by definition "traditionally the MOH...plans the parties." Nobody has a "duty" to throw the bride a party; it's not anybody's "responsibility" or "role." You can't say "that's somebody else's job, but I'll help" because it's NOT someone else's job.

TrixieJess · June 2016

DrillSergeantCat said:

levioosa said:
No. This is incorrect. There are no duties for the WP except to show up on time, sober, and in the correct attire. Anyone can throw a B party, regardless of status in the BP. If no one offers, the bride does not get one.

I agree with the bolded and I agree that anyone can throw a party. I'll be honest, I get my information from sites like this one, Real Simple, Brides, and I have a book about being a bridesmaid. This "friend" should not have asked, but is it not traditionally the MOH that plans the parties?

Anyone can host a party. It's true that the bride was wrong to ask. What if a bride doesn't have a bridal party but her friends still want to take her on a Bachlorette? I've thrown a Bachlorette party for a girlfriend who didn't have a bridal party. I thought it would be a fun night out for all of us before she got married.

thisismynickname2 · June 2016

Hey @DrillSergeantCat
I've seen you become very active on these boards lately asking a lot of good questions. Stick around here! We're real people. The Knot site, Real Simple, those are all companies that stand to profit (particularly via advertising). So of course they want bridal parties to plan showers and bachelorettes, of course they want photographers to have exclusive rights to photographing weddings, yadda yadda yadda. Because they make money off The Industry and Bridal Complex.
Many of us already had our weddings, and we're definitely all guests at tons of other weddings, many of us have been bridesmaids and MOHs- sometimes several times over.
It all comes back to being a decent human being. As a BM and MOH, heck yeah I've offered to plan bachelorette parties. It's fun (if not sometimes kinda stressful!). But I did that because I love the bride, not because some company told me it was "my duty" to do it.

DrillSergeantCat · June 2016

@thisismynickname my wedding is in 101 days and I figured I'd better get my ass in gear. I completely failed at being MOH for my bestie but she didn't want all the "normal" trappings of being a bride. I had to force her to go buy a dress and flowers (which she purchased the Monday before her Sunday wedding). I'm not even sure I want these things because this is my second marriage, first wedding. Your comment about the knot, etc is funny because that's pretty much the same thing I saw said a lot on the bump when women couldn't figure out why they shouldn't put their registry info on their baby shower invitations. I was a bit of a dick yesterday, but I'm really pretty easy going usually and just want everything to be as close to perfect as possible.

ILoveBeachMusic · June 2016

DrillSergeantCat said:

@thisismynickname my wedding is in 101 days and I figured I'd better get my ass in gear. I completely failed at being MOH for my bestie but she didn't want all the "normal" trappings of being a bride. I had to force her to go buy a dress and flowers (which she purchased the Monday before her Sunday wedding). I'm not even sure I want these things because this is my second marriage, first wedding. Your comment about the knot, etc is funny because that's pretty much the same thing I saw said a lot on the bump when women couldn't figure out why they shouldn't put their registry info on their baby shower invitations. I was a bit of a dick yesterday, but I'm really pretty easy going usually and just want everything to be as close to perfect as possible.

Why shouldn't registry info go on shower invites? I've always thought that was the only place it was appropriate to put it. The event is specifically a gift giving event.

DrillSergeantCat · June 2016

ILoveBeachMusic said:
Why shouldn't registry info go on shower invites? I've always thought that was the only place it was appropriate to put it. The event is specifically a gift giving event.

Even though it's a gift giving event, having the registry information on the invitation comes off as gift-grabby. Some people love registries (me!) and some people are offended and feel like it's the bride or MTB treating you like you're too dumb to come up with an appropriate baby gift. For some reason, though, it's acceptable to put it on a separate piece of paper and send it with the invitation. This is per Emily Post btw. The unique thing about showers, though, is that it's not (or at least shouldn't be) the honoree creating the invites so it's really beyond her control. My hostess put my registry information on the invite and I cringed a little, but no one in my circle really cared. I think the rules on this are becoming more lax thanks to invitation sellers.

ILoveBeachMusic · June 2016

Interesting, never heard this. I don't think I've received a shower invite without the registry info on it. I know you are never to put it on a wedding invitation.

thisismynickname2 · June 2016

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Interesting, never heard this. I don't think I've received a shower invite without the registry info on it. I know you are never to put it on a wedding invitation.

STUCK IN BOX

I know I'm derailing the convo a bit but just had to say. You know what you don't put on the invite? A diatribe about how mom-to-be lives out of town and you could help so much by bringing only a picture of your gift and shipping your gift right to the mom-to-be, and how it's suggested that people team up to buy the larger gifts because baby stuff is just- so expensive! And that the store where the registry is has pretty inexpensive shipping costs. << major side eye >>

Yeah. Saw that once.... They did the same thing for the bridal shower too (the woman had a baby first then married the father of her child a year later).

MairePoppy · June 2016

The bride is rude and cowardly. She didn't have the guts to tell you that she replaced you as MOH, hence the 'hints' that she wanted the other woman at her side. She's not a friend.

Knottie1466018219 · June 2016

Seems like she is super immature and toxic. I'm sorry you had to deal with that!

Knottie1463423268 · July 2016

Something seems off to me here... yes, she treated you horribly. We've all been "ghosted" by guys, & I've had friends and even a roommate change like that on me. It was usually related to some other problem in their life they didn't want to face. Not to make excuses for her behavior or to suggest you should continue the friendship (which at this point, sounds pretty toxic), but perhaps as an explanation: it's not you, it's her.

LondonLisa · July 2016

She was incredibly rude, and it must have been hurtful. However, this is another lesson on confrontational=/= handling your business.

She was a coward, but it sounds like you had a few signs that she would be pulling this. A text/phone call/email saying "I'm excited to be your MOH, what would you like me to wear" may have buffered the sting. It could have also saved you some money by declining to host the hen do etc. For lurkers, It's not rude to talk to your friends to get clarity on a situation.

yes, she 100% was wrong and I'd drop her as a friend.

Garewedding · July 2016

That really sucks and you must feel really hurt.

I don't think you were spineless in not confronting her- I think you were trying to be a good MOH and not put any pressure on the bride.

After what has happened though, I think you are totally justified in not speaking to her again!

Passed up as MOH

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