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Knottie1464358002 · June 2016

Thanks All

JediElizabeth · June 2016

Knottie1464358002 said:

Advice needed:

I made the mistake of accepting the "offer" to be my best friend's Maid of Honor in her wedding. Because I had to plan from another city and would be the only bridal party member traveling long distance, the bride spent months telling me I could stay with her during my travels.

Because of her generosity (after multiple offers to book a hotel and being told "don't be crazy"), I went a little overboard on my expenses for the bridal shower, bachelorette, etc.

I also didn't ask the bridal party to split the costs evenly after constantly hearing how the bride "didn't want the girls to pay a lot of money so no one resents her."

Because this was for my closest friend, I wanted to make sure she had a great time. I absorbed the costs while sharing the credit with the bridesmaids, and I originally thought it was worth it. The bridal party spent at most $75/per person....where I spent $500-700 on the bridal shower and bachelorette.

Three weeks before the wedding, the bride asks me to ask two people I barely know to put me up for five days because the bride randomly figured out she didn't want the "stress of guests." While the reasoning is understandable, I was pretty hurt. Rather than asking her friends on my behalf, she tells me to find other arrangements last minute and to "not take it personally." Maybe it's a cultural difference - but that's a pretty big ask to have acquaintances put you up for almost a week. One or two days, maybe. Five? I'd be a burden more than a guest. Plus - after going over budget, I'm faced with spending more money on hotels? Ouch.

When I asked if she'd call the hotel to have them honor the room rate, she wouldn't even do that. She instead sent me a link to one of those "blind deals"' where I wouldn't know what part of town I'm staying in and if it's safe. After stating that I don't feel comfortable asking people I don't know to host me, I politely said I'd also prefer to stay at the reception hotel so I'm near familiar faces. After that, I immediately went online and made a reservation.

Rather than getting in a fight and making things worse, I went silent. Didn't answer calls. It wasn't worth losing my temper when I already booked a hotel.

Because of this, I failed to wish the bride a happy birthday two days later. Could I have said something? Of course. I will acknowledge my error here. But why pretend I'm okay when I'm clearly upset?

But here's the added plot twist. I also found out my family had medical issues/emergencies during this silent period - another reason to put off any discussions.

The bride then called to request a convo as I "haven't missed a birthday in 8 years."

Due to the other (emotional) events, I simply sent a text back to say that I'd want to hold off on any convos until after the wedding so I wouldn't add any more stress to her wedding. I also said that I hoped she enjoyed her birthday and that I'll see her at the rehearsal dinner.

The bride asks what has she done to deserve "this," and I explain that I can't talk due my waiting for answers on the family health matter. I also gave her a brief overview of why I was upset, but that I'd be fine and I'll get over it after a little time.

Apparently this warranted not only firing me from my role as Maid of Honor, the bride kicked me out of her wedding altogether. Apparently, my grandmother's stroke (albeit minor) wasn't a valid excuse for taking a step back.

Weddings are incredibly stressful. Believe me, I get it. I 100% understand why she was starting to stress. Which is why I wanted the bridal shower and bachelorette party to be perfect - she deserves a beautiful experience. Which is why I didn't want this to blow up - no one needs the extra bull right before your big day. Little did I know it would become nuclear.

So now I'm out $2,500. Pretty sure my name is tarnished up there. And I lost my best friend. The hurt is real. And I'm stuck with an inflatable penis ring toss game to constantly remind me of the money I spent.

I've asked a lot of people if I'm overreacting. I try to look at things from her side to see where I'm not being fair or where I may be a bit petty....Every single response came back as a "no" and that they were appalled by such "low class" or "tacky" behavior. Some even said she should have offered to put me up in the hotel....to which I'd always reply that I'd never expect her to do such a thing..... I try to be reasonable, i promise!

Sooo back to my question - Should I ask for my money back?

There's no repairing this relationship and the damage is done. This isn't the first time she's pulled a selfish gesture and acted like there was nothing wrong with her poor manners. She once canceled a trip last minute after a good friend of mine offered to put her and her fiancé up with a place to stay. This other friend even gave up her godson's first birthday party only to be told that the two were no longer coming....after it was too late to reschedule.

She'd filter my calls and then would try to act like our growing apart was because we both stopped communicating.

Whenever she doesn't want to do something out of her comfort zone - like go to an event that her husband would want to attend (where she doesn't know anyone...yet her husband would do something for her like give up his weekend to spend with her family when they only just started dating), she'd then say "I don't want to - that's just not me." She'd never see how selfish she'd sound until someone would kindly point out the effort others put in for her.

Thanks for reading such a novel and for the input!

This is a lot to take in.

To the first bolded, don't minimize your issues for her. You and your family are just as important as she is, and if having a wedding makes her forget that, she needs to take a step back into reality.

To the second: don't bring other people into this and drag her name through the mud, particularly if you both know these people. She's behaved badly toward you; you don't need to tell everyone else.

To the third: absolutely not. You spent money on parties which were gifts to her. Even if things have deteriorated since, it comes off as petty and ugly to ask her to pay anything back for these parties.

charlotte989875 · June 2016

Knottie1464358002 said:

Advice needed:

I made the mistake of accepting the "offer" to be my best friend's Maid of Honor in her wedding. Because I had to plan from another city and would be the only bridal party member traveling long distance, the bride spent months telling me I could stay with her during my travels.

Because of her generosity (after multiple offers to book a hotel and being told "don't be crazy"), I went a little overboard on my expenses for the bridal shower, bachelorette, etc.

I also didn't ask the bridal party to split the costs evenly after constantly hearing how the bride "didn't want the girls to pay a lot of money so no one resents her."

Because this was for my closest friend, I wanted to make sure she had a great time. I absorbed the costs while sharing the credit with the bridesmaids, and I originally thought it was worth it. The bridal party spent at most $75/per person....where I spent $500-700 on the bridal shower and bachelorette.

Three weeks before the wedding, the bride asks me to ask two people I barely know to put me up for five days because the bride randomly figured out she didn't want the "stress of guests." While the reasoning is understandable, I was pretty hurt. Rather than asking her friends on my behalf, she tells me to find other arrangements last minute and to "not take it personally." Maybe it's a cultural difference - but that's a pretty big ask to have acquaintances put you up for almost a week. One or two days, maybe. Five? I'd be a burden more than a guest. Plus - after going over budget, I'm faced with spending more money on hotels? Ouch.

When I asked if she'd call the hotel to have them honor the room rate, she wouldn't even do that. She instead sent me a link to one of those "blind deals"' where I wouldn't know what part of town I'm staying in and if it's safe. After stating that I don't feel comfortable asking people I don't know to host me, I politely said I'd also prefer to stay at the reception hotel so I'm near familiar faces. After that, I immediately went online and made a reservation.

Rather than getting in a fight and making things worse, I went silent. Didn't answer calls. It wasn't worth losing my temper when I already booked a hotel.

Because of this, I failed to wish the bride a happy birthday two days later. Could I have said something? Of course. I will acknowledge my error here. But why pretend I'm okay when I'm clearly upset?

But here's the added plot twist. I also found out my family had medical issues/emergencies during this silent period - another reason to put off any discussions.

The bride then called to request a convo as I "haven't missed a birthday in 8 years."

Due to the other (emotional) events, I simply sent a text back to say that I'd want to hold off on any convos until after the wedding so I wouldn't add any more stress to her wedding. I also said that I hoped she enjoyed her birthday and that I'll see her at the rehearsal dinner.

The bride asks what has she done to deserve "this," and I explain that I can't talk due my waiting for answers on the family health matter. I also gave her a brief overview of why I was upset, but that I'd be fine and I'll get over it after a little time.

Apparently this warranted not only firing me from my role as Maid of Honor, the bride kicked me out of her wedding altogether. Apparently, my grandmother's stroke (albeit minor) wasn't a valid excuse for taking a step back.

Weddings are incredibly stressful. Believe me, I get it. I 100% understand why she was starting to stress. Which is why I wanted the bridal shower and bachelorette party to be perfect - she deserves a beautiful experience. Which is why I didn't want this to blow up - no one needs the extra bull right before your big day. Little did I know it would become nuclear.

So now I'm out $2,500. Pretty sure my name is tarnished up there. And I lost my best friend. The hurt is real. And I'm stuck with an inflatable penis ring toss game to constantly remind me of the money I spent.

I've asked a lot of people if I'm overreacting. I try to look at things from her side to see where I'm not being fair or where I may be a bit petty....Every single response came back as a "no" and that they were appalled by such "low class" or "tacky" behavior. Some even said she should have offered to put me up in the hotel....to which I'd always reply that I'd never expect her to do such a thing..... I try to be reasonable, i promise!

Sooo back to my question - Should I ask for my money back?

There's no repairing this relationship and the damage is done. This isn't the first time she's pulled a selfish gesture and acted like there was nothing wrong with her poor manners. She once canceled a trip last minute after a good friend of mine offered to put her and her fiancé up with a place to stay. This other friend even gave up her godson's first birthday party only to be told that the two were no longer coming....after it was too late to reschedule.

She'd filter my calls and then would try to act like our growing apart was because we both stopped communicating.

Whenever she doesn't want to do something out of her comfort zone - like go to an event that her husband would want to attend (where she doesn't know anyone...yet her husband would do something for her like give up his weekend to spend with her family when they only just started dating), she'd then say "I don't want to - that's just not me." She'd never see how selfish she'd sound until someone would kindly point out the effort others put in for her.

Thanks for reading such a novel and for the input!

I think you've both made mistakes here, and how you handle it will likely determine the course of your friendship.

First, she was wrong for insisting that you stay with her then telling you to make other accommodations. It's really not fair to leave you hanging like that. She was also really wrong for "kicking you out" of the wedding party.

However, going dark on her, ignoring her on her birthday and refusing to handle the situation like and adult, as in actually talking about the problem calmly wasn't the right thing to do. Additionally, if you didn't have the money to spend on the shower and bachelorette, even when people offered to contribute, you shouldnt have spent it. That was your choice you made on your own. I don't think you have any right in asking for any of the money that you voluntarily spent from the bride.

I think the best way to handle it, if you want to remain friends with her, is to reach out to her, apologize for ignoring her and not handling the issue as you should have, explain that you were hurt she told you to make other arrangements after insisting you stay with her and acknowledge you should have talked about it when she asked.

We often say on here kicking someone out of a WP is a friendship ending move, so if you no longer want this woman in your life you can drop this and move on. However if you would like to maintain the friendship I suggest reaching out to her and admit to your role in how things went down. Hopefully she will do the same.

ETF words.

Knottie1464358002 · June 2016

Very fair points - I appreciate it!

Knottie1464358002 · June 2016

To be clear - it wasn't about the money. I've had people suggest this as their response and I only started to consider it when it became a reoccuring answer. Hearing unbiased answers definitely helped put it into perspective!

TrixieJess · June 2016

Why the DD? OP you were quoted.

STARMOON44 · June 2016

The way your post is written, it sounds like you were sulking and giving her the silent treatment, and using your family stuff as an excuse. Idk if that's really what was going on but she may have gotten that impression too. And saying "oh yeah I'm mad and we need to have words but instead of just telling you now that I'm hurt about the hotel thing I'm going to hold this over your head until after the wedding" I can see her bring like nopenopenope I'm not having a woman who's mad at me and won't talk to me there on my wedding day.

AddieCake · June 2016

She was wrong to kick you out, but you were wrong to be giving her the silent treatment, especially on her birthday. This is a person you are close enough with to be asked to be in her wedding, and you're going to deliberately shun her on her birthday? I think that's weird.

aurianna · June 2016

charlotte989875 said:

I think you've both made mistakes here, and how you handle it will likely determine the course of your friendship.

First, she was wrong for insisting that you stay with her then telling you to make other accommodations. It's really not fair to leave you hanging like that. She was also really wrong for "kicking you out" of the wedding party.

However, going dark on her, ignoring her on her birthday and refusing to handle the situation like and adult, as in actually talking about the problem calmly wasn't the right thing to do. Additionally, if you didn't have the money to spend on the shower and bachelorette, even when people offered to contribute, you shouldnt have spent it. That was your choice you made on your own. I don't think you have any right in asking for any of the money that you voluntarily spent from the bride.

I think the best way to handle it, if you want to remain friends with her, is to reach out to her, apologize for ignoring her and not handling the issue as you should have, explain that you were hurt she told you to make other arrangements after insisting you stay with her and acknowledge you should have talked about it when she asked.

We often say on here kicking someone out of a WP is a friendship ending move, so if you no longer want this woman in your life you can drop this and move on. However if you would like to maintain the friendship I suggest reaching out to her and admit to your role in how things went down. Hopefully she will do the same.

ETF words.

So this.

Now, if you're ready to end the friendship, the one thing you can ask for money back for is the dress if she had you buy a new one. But I wouldn't go there until you're ready to end it (also, you would need to give her the dress if she does pay you for it).

Knottie1466018219 · June 2016

Knottie1464358002 said:

Thanks All

Welcome! Hope all worked out!

Knottie1466018219 · June 2016

aurianna said:

charlotte989875 said:

I think you've both made mistakes here, and how you handle it will likely determine the course of your friendship.

First, she was wrong for insisting that you stay with her then telling you to make other accommodations. It's really not fair to leave you hanging like that. She was also really wrong for "kicking you out" of the wedding party.

However, going dark on her, ignoring her on her birthday and refusing to handle the situation like and adult, as in actually talking about the problem calmly wasn't the right thing to do. Additionally, if you didn't have the money to spend on the shower and bachelorette, even when people offered to contribute, you shouldnt have spent it. That was your choice you made on your own. I don't think you have any right in asking for any of the money that you voluntarily spent from the bride.

I think the best way to handle it, if you want to remain friends with her, is to reach out to her, apologize for ignoring her and not handling the issue as you should have, explain that you were hurt she told you to make other arrangements after insisting you stay with her and acknowledge you should have talked about it when she asked.

We often say on here kicking someone out of a WP is a friendship ending move, so if you no longer want this woman in your life you can drop this and move on. However if you would like to maintain the friendship I suggest reaching out to her and admit to your role in how things went down. Hopefully she will do the same.

ETF words.

So this.

Now, if you're ready to end the friendship, the one thing you can ask for money back for is the dress if she had you buy a new one. But I wouldn't go there until you're ready to end it (also, you would need to give her the dress if she does pay you for it).

What if a BM ends it on her own? She shouldn't ask for any money back, right?

ShesSoCold · June 2016

Knottie1466018219 said:

aurianna said:

charlotte989875 said:

I think you've both made mistakes here, and how you handle it will likely determine the course of your friendship.

First, she was wrong for insisting that you stay with her then telling you to make other accommodations. It's really not fair to leave you hanging like that. She was also really wrong for "kicking you out" of the wedding party.

However, going dark on her, ignoring her on her birthday and refusing to handle the situation like and adult, as in actually talking about the problem calmly wasn't the right thing to do. Additionally, if you didn't have the money to spend on the shower and bachelorette, even when people offered to contribute, you shouldnt have spent it. That was your choice you made on your own. I don't think you have any right in asking for any of the money that you voluntarily spent from the bride.

I think the best way to handle it, if you want to remain friends with her, is to reach out to her, apologize for ignoring her and not handling the issue as you should have, explain that you were hurt she told you to make other arrangements after insisting you stay with her and acknowledge you should have talked about it when she asked.

We often say on here kicking someone out of a WP is a friendship ending move, so if you no longer want this woman in your life you can drop this and move on. However if you would like to maintain the friendship I suggest reaching out to her and admit to your role in how things went down. Hopefully she will do the same.

ETF words.

So this.

Now, if you're ready to end the friendship, the one thing you can ask for money back for is the dress if she had you buy a new one. But I wouldn't go there until you're ready to end it (also, you would need to give her the dress if she does pay you for it).

What if a BM ends it on her own? She shouldn't ask for any money back, right?

You have a bridesmaid who dropped out of your wedding too?!?!!?

Knottie1466018219 · June 2016

ShesSoCold said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

aurianna said:

charlotte989875 said:

I think you've both made mistakes here, and how you handle it will likely determine the course of your friendship.

First, she was wrong for insisting that you stay with her then telling you to make other accommodations. It's really not fair to leave you hanging like that. She was also really wrong for "kicking you out" of the wedding party.

However, going dark on her, ignoring her on her birthday and refusing to handle the situation like and adult, as in actually talking about the problem calmly wasn't the right thing to do. Additionally, if you didn't have the money to spend on the shower and bachelorette, even when people offered to contribute, you shouldnt have spent it. That was your choice you made on your own. I don't think you have any right in asking for any of the money that you voluntarily spent from the bride.

I think the best way to handle it, if you want to remain friends with her, is to reach out to her, apologize for ignoring her and not handling the issue as you should have, explain that you were hurt she told you to make other arrangements after insisting you stay with her and acknowledge you should have talked about it when she asked.

We often say on here kicking someone out of a WP is a friendship ending move, so if you no longer want this woman in your life you can drop this and move on. However if you would like to maintain the friendship I suggest reaching out to her and admit to your role in how things went down. Hopefully she will do the same.

ETF words.

So this.

Now, if you're ready to end the friendship, the one thing you can ask for money back for is the dress if she had you buy a new one. But I wouldn't go there until you're ready to end it (also, you would need to give her the dress if she does pay you for it).

What if a BM ends it on her own? She shouldn't ask for any money back, right?

You have a bridesmaid who dropped out of your wedding too?!?!!?

Lol! No. Just curious. Haven't asked anyone yet.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2016

Knottie1466018219 said:

aurianna said:

charlotte989875 said:

I think you've both made mistakes here, and how you handle it will likely determine the course of your friendship.

First, she was wrong for insisting that you stay with her then telling you to make other accommodations. It's really not fair to leave you hanging like that. She was also really wrong for "kicking you out" of the wedding party.

However, going dark on her, ignoring her on her birthday and refusing to handle the situation like and adult, as in actually talking about the problem calmly wasn't the right thing to do. Additionally, if you didn't have the money to spend on the shower and bachelorette, even when people offered to contribute, you shouldnt have spent it. That was your choice you made on your own. I don't think you have any right in asking for any of the money that you voluntarily spent from the bride.

I think the best way to handle it, if you want to remain friends with her, is to reach out to her, apologize for ignoring her and not handling the issue as you should have, explain that you were hurt she told you to make other arrangements after insisting you stay with her and acknowledge you should have talked about it when she asked.

We often say on here kicking someone out of a WP is a friendship ending move, so if you no longer want this woman in your life you can drop this and move on. However if you would like to maintain the friendship I suggest reaching out to her and admit to your role in how things went down. Hopefully she will do the same.

ETF words.

So this.

Now, if you're ready to end the friendship, the one thing you can ask for money back for is the dress if she had you buy a new one. But I wouldn't go there until you're ready to end it (also, you would need to give her the dress if she does pay you for it).

What if a BM ends it on her own? She shouldn't ask for any money back, right?

No, she shouldn't. Why would she?

I can't think of any situation in which I'd think it was OK for a bridesmaid to invoice a Bride for expenses related to the ceremonial role of honor the bridesmaid willingly accepted and took upon herself.

Even if the bride was a ****waffle princess and kicked the BM out of the wedding, I wouldn't suggest the BM try to get her money back from the bride. Just cut your loses and move on.

This post is a classic example of two adults getting butthurt and then choosing not to resolve their butthurt feelings, and instead acting pretty badly:

OP (BM) went way overboard on expenses for the pre wedding parties
Bride was a jerk to renege on OP's accommodations- But seriously, neither one really thought that one out well.
BM was petty and spiteful not to acknowledge Bride's birthday
Bride was totally immature for getting butthurt that her friend acknowledged her birthday *gasp* two days late- what are we, 6?!
BM was being passive aggressive by refusing to resolve her issues with the Bride, when the Bride called to fix things- You couldn't have at least told the Bride, your friend, "Hey sorry I was late with the birthday wishes but I'm dealing with a family health scare right now and I'm a bit distracted. Hope you had a great time!"
Bride was a major ****waffle princess for kicking BM out of her wedding party once the BM did tell her why she was feeling butthurt- Don't pretend you want to resolve a conflict when you really don't.
You both overreacted and need to learn how to interact with people better, sheesh.

Knottie1466018219 · June 2016

Knottie1464358002 With all the aggravation and stress, sounds like it's for the best you got kicked out of the wedding. Sucks that you spent so much money.

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