Wedding Woes

He's just not that into...the outdoors.

Dear Prudence, 
I’ve recently started dating the most amazing guy—he’s one of the most understanding, kind people I've met in years. So far our relationship is going great.  The problem is he's overweight and sedentary. I’m plenty attracted to him, but it's causing problems because my life is very active. When my friends want to go hiking or biking, out dancing or rock climbing, I have to make a choice between doing what is fun for me or sticking with him in a car or a chair somewhere. I also find being so still ungodly boring. He definitely tries at times to keep up with us but really struggles. I’m not sure how to go about compromising on this.

—New Partner, Different Lifestyles

Teddy917

Re: He's just not that into...the outdoors.

  • Talk to him! See if he is interested in changing his lifestyle. If not, maybe this is not the relationship for you. If yes, then introduce small physical activities when it is just the two of them. Walks around the neighborhood after dinner, fishing, walking tours of cities during vacation, etc. I think trying to include him with friends is great but would make me feel self conscious. 


    OurWildKingdom
  • Talk to him! See if he is interested in changing his lifestyle. If not, maybe this is not the relationship for you. If yes, then introduce small physical activities when it is just the two of them. Walks around the neighborhood after dinner, fishing, walking tours of cities during vacation, etc. I think trying to include him with friends is great but would make me feel self conscious. 


    Yes!!   I am moderately active and work out regularly.  I am very not coordinated.  I don't mind a bike ride around the neighborhood, but if DH tried to get me to mountain bike with him, it would probably end in a broken bone...or worse, for me. 
    charlotte989875MesmrEwe
  • How about some compromising?

    H loves the outdoors; he hunts, fishes, would hike mountains, while I'm more of an indoor exerciser. But I'll do an easy hike every few weeks, or go to the river and take a book. I also have no problem with him going off and doing those things without me. 
    OurWildKingdom
  • GBCKGBCK member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    NOTHING that is fun for both?  that sounds like no creative attempts?
    MNNEBrideOurWildKingdomMesmrEwe
  • GBCK said:
    NOTHING that is fun for both?  that sounds like no creative attempts?
    I think the lack of attempts is on the LW, who writes, "He definitely tries at times to keep up with us but really struggles."

    At least he is trying to make an effort. It sounds like LW is being super judgy about what he finds fun and is not making any effort to meet him halfway. It's LW's way or the highway, apparently.
    charlotte989875ShesSoColdOurWildKingdomMesmrEwe
  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer

    mrs.conn23 said:

    Dear Prudence, 
    I’ve recently started dating the most amazing guy—he’s one of the most understanding, kind people I've met in years. So far our relationship is going great.  The problem is he's overweight and sedentary. I’m plenty attracted to him, but it's causing problems because my life is very active. When my friends want to go hiking or biking, out dancing or rock climbing, I have to make a choice between doing what is fun for me or sticking with him in a car or a chair somewhere. I also find being so still ungodly boring. He definitely tries at times to keep up with us but really struggles. I’m not sure how to go about compromising on this.

    —New Partner, Different Lifestyles

    Happiness is a two way street.  LW shouldn't expect BF to change his lifestyle for her, but neither should she completely change hers for him.  Asking him to just jump right into her activities with her friends isn't fair, and it isn't the way to approach this.  A sedentary person is not going to be able to go on a 20-mile bike ride.  That's got to be discouraging for him, and it's not fair for LW to ask or even expect him to do that.  But there are things they can both do together, without the added pressure of being around her fit friends.  I mean, how hard is it to just start with short walks around the block?  Or even accompanying her if she wants to spend an hour or two at an indoor rock-climbing wall?  This is not all or nothing.

    If she wants to continue this relationship, she needs to work with him to find a balance so she can still do the things she loves--with him involved.

    But I think she's looking for an out.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

    OurWildKingdomlc07
  • Heffalump said:
    Two words: Pokemon Go.
    This! Honestly, my H is heavier and with this game we're now more apt to go for a walk. I'm not in perfect shape by any means, but it gets him more active. {his job requires him sitting .... so bad habits form}
  • Ok, so - she *never* goes to a movie or watches a tv show or anything? Never? Because honestly, my H and I have had completely separate social lives in the past, and it's fine for us, but there was always *something* we did together. Like, I would gladly stay at home if he wanted to, I don't know, go play Magic the Gathering for five hours, but then the next weekend we'd go to the movies or something. 

    TL; DR: If it's already this difficult, end it. There are plenty of women who will take chubby sedentary guys off your hands, lady. 
    image
    OurWildKingdomMesmrEwe
  • If I had a dollar for each of my lifting friends whose spouse doesn't "get it" or has ZERO interest in the sport/gym/activities - I'd be rich!  This isn't the right relationship for her, good friends - yes, but more than that, nope! 
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    OurWildKingdom
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