Grooms family isn't coming to the wedding

Re: Grooms family isn't coming to the wedding

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  MobKaz member

  

  August 2016

  shweyspello said:

  His family live in Montana, my family live in Louisiana, our friends live all around the country. We knew from the start that no matter what it would be a destination wedding for most people.
  I asked his family directly, several times if they were cool with a New Orleans wedding. I picked a date specifically that would be convenient and ran it past them. All along the way, they said 'Do what you want, don't worry about us, we will make it work'.
  Still I was cautious and wanted to ensure they would have a good time.
  We decided to cover the rehearsal dinner ourselves because they didn't want to host. I picked a low-key venue specifically with them in mind that I thought they'd enjoy.
  I picked catering that they'd like, I even picked a hotel in a specific neighborhood where it would be easy for them to rent an inexpensive house for the whole family.
  Save the Dates have been sent, deposits have been made, and today, 5 months from the wedding, they messaged through his dad that none of them are coming. Not his parents, his sister, or his nephews.
  Even his aunt, who he's very close with and lives in much closer Dallas isn't coming (because his mom isn't).
  Their reasons are 1) the travel is too expensive and 2) it's not a big church wedding so what's the point.
  
  I am crushed and I don't know what to do.
  His family is really important to him, but he insists "it's not a big deal". Even if that's true for him, it is a big deal to me. 
  
  He said they wouldn't accept money if we offered to cover their travel.
  It's hard to not be hurt by it all, especially his aunt blowing it off solely because her sister wouldn't be there.
  
  I feel like I did everything right... If they had given any hesitation, I would have planned the whole thing in Montana and made my family travel. 
  Or would they have just found another excuse not to attend....
  
  I don't know, I'm really at a loss. Do I try to move the wedding? Beg at least his mom to let me fly her down? 
  Any advice would mean a lot....
  
  

  My first question is why didn't your FI speak directly to his family, ask all these questions, and make arrangements?  He should have been the one speaking directly with his family since he knows them best and can read their tone. 
  
  Did you ask them to host the rehearsal dinner?  It is never acceptable to ask someone else to host an event.  If this was the case, that may have been very off putting to his family.
  
  Does FI's family travel often?  Do they have the type of job(s) that make it difficult to be gone from their workplace?
  
  I get that such a turn of events is heart breaking, but if it is "not a big deal" to your FI, then you need to let it go.  If any "begging" is to be done, it should come from your FI. 
  
  You can't "make" anyone travel, whether it be his family or yours. 
  
  Finally, there are people for whom a religious ceremony is the ONLY recognizable marriage.  I understand that in some very orthodox religions, it may actually be against church policy to bear witness to civil weddings.  If your future in-laws are extremely religious people, your secular wedding may be the real issue for them. 
  

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  monkeysip member

  

  August 2016

  MobKaz said:

  
  Finally, there are people for whom a religious ceremony is the ONLY recognizable marriage.  I understand that in some very orthodox religions, it may actually be against church policy to bear witness to civil weddings.  If your future in-laws are extremely religious people, your secular wedding may be the real issue for them. 
  

  This is what I'm wondering.  Are your fiance's parents very religious?  Did they raise your fiance in a religion that he is no longer practicing?  
  
  Although I will say, I think if it has to do with religion, they should've been up front about that at the very beginning.  It's a pretty huge deal to miss your kids wedding, so if you refuse to go on religious/moral grounds, then you need to explain that clearly in the beginning.  Your fiance has every right to be hurt anyway, but there's nothing YOU can do.  It's his parents.  Maybe he really doesn't care that much, but if he does, then he needs to confront them about it.  Just listen to and support him.

  
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  GBCK member

  

  August 2016 edited August 2016

  when you say ' they messaged through his dad that none of them are coming" do you mean that aunty said "Jim (FIL), tell Mo we're not coming" or what?
  
  Why is this being done as a game of telephone?
  What of this "we're not coming" and whys of not coming have you and your FI heard DIRECTLY from the people it affects?
  
  Because saying "I dunno Jim (FIL), I'm not sure we'll be able to make it" is different than "Mo, we ain't coming". 
  

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