Dear Prudence,
About two years ago, I stopped speaking to my mother after decades of emotional abuse. She is needy, emotionally unstable, mean, and narcissistic; it had gotten to the point where I would have an anxiety attack just from seeing her name pop up on my phone because I knew I was in for an hour of being yelled at. I said that I would be willing to work on a relationship with her if she would agree to get some counseling and to stop sending me abusive voicemails and emails. She never responded but told everyone in her family what a horrible daughter I was.
Since then, I am a much happier person and have realized I don’t miss her at all. The problem is my children: I have two, ages 7 and 9, and because my mother lives halfway across the country, she hasn’t seen them in two years. I set up a separate iPad for them so they could text and call her anytime without me having to be involved, but all she does is send them needy, guilty texts about how she hasn’t seen them in “forever” and how sad she is that they are growing up without her. What do I owe her with regard to her grandchildren? It took years for me to come to terms with how she treated me as a child and as an adult, and I am happier without her in my life. But do I have an obligation to arrange for my kids to visit her or contact her more often?