Wedding guests inviting other people? 6 days out, what to do?

Knottie1457924722 · August 2016

Hi all,

I'm 6 days out from my wedding and I'm just now discovering that family and friends have invited several people from out of town to the wedding that were never invited. One family member of FI's family asked us that, since two cousins couldn't make it, if another set of cousins could (that FI hasn't seen in over 5 years - longer than we've been together). We didn't respond. These cousins were mistakenly told to make plans by this family member back in May. We clarified they weren't invited. She said she would correct the situation. Now I'm finding out that family member never told the cousins they weren't invited so now they're coming up for the wedding. This is the same situation with another long lost uncle FI hasn't seen or spoken to in years and a few other people!

All these people are coming from out of state, and I think that's why I'm aware of them. What about those people in town/in the area who think they're invited and are just going to show up because FI's family can't stop inviting people? We have assigned table seating and only rented so many tables (we're having the wedding at my parent's ranch).

What to do? We're paying for a wedding, not financing a family and friends reunion.

SP29 · August 2016

If you know of specific family members who are doing this, I would call up those people directly and say something like, "Hi Aunt, we have learned that you invited Cousins A and B to the wedding. The invitation was only for you and Uncle, and we are unable to accommodate additional guests. There will not be a seat or meal for these guests".

Depending on how you've heard of this information, you could pass your information back the other way. I wouldn't start confronting family members who you don't know for sure have invited other guests, but if you're getting rumblings that "so and so told so and so they could come"- when you hear it, you can comment "we have assigned seating and are unable to accommodate additional guests".

At the end of the day, you are not required to accommodate additional guests. I see the reception is at your parent's ranch... that might be a bit trickier, as at a venue, you could have the venue staff turn them away. Do you have a DOC or anything like that? Who is hosting?

It's up to you to decide what you want to do- do you try to accommodate them being more than a gracious host, or do you stand firm and ask them to leave. Venues will often try to accommodate additional guests by squeezing in a chair/place setting at a table, and usually have extra food, so you could ask your caterer about the same and rent some extra chairs, but this is not required of you and if you physically cannot accommodate, then you can't. It also doesn't sound like you would have a lot of staff who could carry out this role of setting up a last minute place setting.

Since you have assigned seating, if anyone uninvited shows up, unfortunately their will not be a place for them. Whoever is the host- or a DOC- would ask them to leave.

Personally, I would never show up at a wedding without a personal invitation. Even if my family member said, "Well your cousins can't go, so the bride said you and your H could come instead", I would say, "Well then I'll wait for my invitation". So hopefully much of what you are hearing is just rumblings and will not happen.

Knottie1457924722 · August 2016

Thank you for the reply! Unfortunately, I don't talk with this family member (aunt) and she texted (ugh!) my fiance saying "I don't want to pressure you but have you made a decision about 'John and Jen' because they are coming up for the wedding since I never actually told them they weren't invited".

We already accommodated an uncle due to this last week but it's getting out of hand with other people.

I think we may end up having extra seats, but that's because people are backing out last minute and I don't necessarily want to fill them with people I don't know who were mistakenly told they were invited.

My family is making most of the food (we are having the main entree meat catered). At this point, it's a matter of me rearranging all the tables and printing out new escort cards to fit people in.

Maybe I'll just stand firm and if other guests back out because of it, so be it.

SP29 · August 2016

Knottie1457924722 said:

Thank you for the reply! Unfortunately, I don't talk with this family member (aunt) and she texted (ugh!) my fiance saying "I don't want to pressure you but have you made a decision about 'John and Jen' because they are coming up for the wedding since I never actually told them they weren't invited".

We already accommodated an uncle due to this last week but it's getting out of hand with other people.

I think we may end up having extra seats, but that's because people are backing out last minute and I don't necessarily want to fill them with people I don't know who were mistakenly told they were invited.

My family is making most of the food (we are having the main entree meat catered). At this point, it's a matter of me rearranging all the tables and printing out new escort cards to fit people in.

Maybe I'll just stand firm and if other guests back out because of it, so be it.

Then FI should direct contact Aunt and say what I said above- the invitation is only for Aunt and Uncle. Additional guests will not be accommodated. Aunt has been pretty bold here, depending on FI's relationship with her, I might be a bit more bold with my response, "Aunt, John and Jen were never invited to the wedding and we will be unable to accommodate them. All guests who we invited have receiving a formal invitation from us. Please rectify this situation as there will not be a seat nor meal available for them."

Personally, if I had an extra person or two show up, I would try my best to accommodate them, mostly because I would feel bad for those additional guests who came thinking they were invited. They will probably feel awkward anyway, knowing they weren't invited, when the staff are rushing around to pull out extra chairs and place settings, so I wouldn't want to embarrass them any further.

However, I think your situation is different where you are having family members asking to invite additional guests prior to the event, and it sounds like it's more than just a person or two. I think you should be firm in your responses- if you know who is asking, contact them directly (this should actually be your FI if it's his side of the family) and let them know, "No, this is not acceptable".

If you have other guests who are declining last minute, it is your decision to decide on whether you want to accommodate any additional guests. For example, plus ones (for truly single guests) are never required, but if you had a lot of declines and know you have a single guest who doesn't know many people, it wouldn't be rude to say, "Hey Friend, I know you are traveling to the wedding alone, and we have some extra space, is there anyone you would like to bring with you?". But just because you have cousins A and B unable to attend, doesn't mean you have to invite Cousins C and D because an Aunt/Uncle is asking.

*Barbie* · August 2016

Knottie1457924722 said:

Thank you for the reply! Unfortunately, I don't talk with this family member (aunt) and she texted (ugh!) my fiance saying "I don't want to pressure you but have you made a decision about 'John and Jen' because they are coming up for the wedding since I never actually told them they weren't invited".

Why is your FI even putting this on you? He should have just responded to aunt that these people were not invited and can't be accommodated - unless she's hosting, she doesn't get to invite people.

kimmiinthemitten · August 2016

How many people total are you hearing have been invited?

If it's just the two I'd probably try and accommodate, but if it's more I think you need to figure out a way for FI (not you!) to communicate with the perpetrators per @SP29's post above.

cowgirl8238 · August 2016

Knottie1457924722 said:

Thank you for the reply! Unfortunately, I don't talk with this family member (aunt) and she texted (ugh!) my fiance saying "I don't want to pressure you but have you made a decision about 'John and Jen' because they are coming up for the wedding since I never actually told them they weren't invited".

We already accommodated an uncle due to this last week but it's getting out of hand with other people.

I think we may end up having extra seats, but that's because people are backing out last minute and I don't necessarily want to fill them with people I don't know who were mistakenly told they were invited.

My family is making most of the food (we are having the main entree meat catered). At this point, it's a matter of me rearranging all the tables and printing out new escort cards to fit people in.

Maybe I'll just stand firm and if other guests back out because of it, so be it.

That should have been answered sooner honestly...although the aunt was wrong to invite them, it may have saved some feelings and stress had your FI (his side his problem) just said no right away.

In general a wedding invitation should be addressed only to the people you want to invite...that ensures that only those people are truly invited and allows you to decline any others being added or people trying to switch out person B for person A. Since you mentioned that this has happened a few times can I ask, how did you address the invites? Name 1 and Name 2, or Name Family? Since the first is more specific and gives you the right to "veto" any add on's or swaps while the second implies there is room for whoever fits the "family" category.

Secondly, did you invite in nice circles (ex. close family, aunts/uncle, 1st cousins, etc.) While you can invite whoever you want, it is best to invite in circles of guests...and if you invited some cousins but not others this may be where the add-on's and swaps are coming from. Again, it isn't wrong to have done this, but it often leads to slighted feelings and may be why people just assumed "hey they invited these cousins, and your a cousin, so I'm sure you can go!"

OP, it is up to you what to do here. I would err on the side of inviting them anyway, one because they already made the effort to attend and two because your FI didn't stop them earlier when the question was first asked. While you have a right to refuse it may not be worth arguing (Especially if this aunt knows about the Uncle that got added on). I'm not sure how your family dynamics work or what kind of potential fallout there may be, but I would consider that too before I said yes or no. Either way you decide...TELL HER ASAP whether these cousins are/are not invited.

charlotte989875 · August 2016

Knottie1457924722 said:

Hi all,

I'm 6 days out from my wedding and I'm just now discovering that family and friends have invited several people from out of town to the wedding that were never invited. One family member of FI's family asked us that, since two cousins couldn't make it, if another set of cousins could (that FI hasn't seen in over 5 years - longer than we've been together). We didn't respond. These cousins were mistakenly told to make plans by this family member back in May. We clarified they weren't invited. She said she would correct the situation. Now I'm finding out that family member never told the cousins they weren't invited so now they're coming up for the wedding. This is the same situation with another long lost uncle FI hasn't seen or spoken to in years and a few other people!

All these people are coming from out of state, and I think that's why I'm aware of them. What about those people in town/in the area who think they're invited and are just going to show up because FI's family can't stop inviting people? We have assigned table seating and only rented so many tables (we're having the wedding at my parent's ranch).

What to do? We're paying for a wedding, not financing a family and friends reunion.

Honestly? Just avoiding answering them wasn't the way to handle this. It leaves the door open for people to interpret that how they want. Which is rude, but so is just ignoring them.

If you don't want them/can't accommodate them, that's fine, but you do need to communicate that clearly.

DrillSergeantCat · August 2016

cowgirl8238 said:
OP, it is up to you what to do here. I would err on the side of inviting them anyway, one because they already made the effort to attend and two because your FI didn't stop them earlier when the question was first asked. While you have a right to refuse it may not be worth arguing (Especially if this aunt knows about the Uncle that got added on). I'm not sure how your family dynamics work or what kind of potential fallout there may be, but I would consider that too before I said yes or no. Either way you decide...TELL HER ASAP whether these cousins are/are not invited.

I agree. I would probably go ahead and let them come. The problem is they won't be thinking how rude it is that someone besides the B&G invited them, only how mean and selfish B&G are to not let them come after they made arrangements. I would definitely let rude aunt and anyone else know that this is the last time this will be tolerated and that she needs to stop inviting other people.

[Deleted User] · August 2016

OP, I'm looking st your other post and you say that these extra relatives are already going to be in town at the time of the wedding. Meaning, they've already made their travel plans. Because of that, it would be nice for you to be gracious and figure out a way for them to come. Since you don't need to give numbers to a caterer, hopefully it's just a matter of figuring out some extra seats.
However, you didn't invite these people so you ARE within your right for your FI to tell them that they aren't invited and not have a seat for them at the wedding. It really depends on how much family fall out you and your FI want to have. But there's lot of good suggestions above for how to turn them down.
Plus, maybe more family from FI's side will help distract grandma and she will be less of an issue.

Wedding guests inviting other people? 6 days out, what to do?

Re: Wedding guests inviting other people? 6 days out, what to do?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards