FMIL Drama

breezzy33 · October 2016

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not, but my Fiance and I have been engaged for about two and a half years now and been together for three and a half. We are finally getting married at the end of this month and his mother and step father, who have all but ignored the fact that we are getting married up until the beginning of this month have started to get really passive aggressive about everything. My fiance and I both from the start of our engagement have been really uncomfortable asking people for any sort of help. So we did everything ourselves we paid for all of it we planned all the before wedding parties and events excluding my bridal shower, which my mom planned after I agreed to have one as long as it was small and I knew everyone.
So we will start with his step fathers family. We planned a very small budget friendly even of 50 people, because he just finished grad school and money is tight and I don't like being in large groups of people I don't know. So we initially planned on having immediate family and close friends at the wedding. His mother and step father very much wanted to invite his step fathers family and offered to pay for us to invite eleven extra people. The wedding is in a few weeks and every time we've brought up the subject of the money for their guests they deflect with stories about how broke they are because of a recent purchase of four wheelers. So I am starting to get really stressed about where I am going to come up with the extra money for these guests we had never intended on inviting.
Now on to my bridal shower. I never wanted one, but my mom really wanted to have one for me so we agreed to have one as long as it was less than 15 people and I personally knew everyone. Last week my mom got an email from my Fiances mother, insisting we invite several members of her husbands family to the bridal shower. I think I may have met these women once several years ago, but I don't know them very well at all. So I was a bit upset that they would insist they have that level of control over a party they aren't throwing. That may just be me being sensitive though.
Moving on to our rehearsal dinner as soon as we got engaged we knew the exact place we wanted to have our rehearsal dinner. At our favorite brewery because we have several friends coming from our of state and we want them to have a chance to try it out. We never asked nor expected his parents to pay for it. They asked our plans and we told them. A week later his mother invited him out for a hike to let him know since we planned the rehearsal dinner they will not be paying for it. And are insisting we do it at a different place of their choosing. Again we never asked nor expected them to pay and we specifically picked this location. It was probably the second wedding related decision we made because we really want our friends to have a chance to check it out.
Theres a few other instances but i feel like this post is crazy long already. I'm not sure if I'm just slowly turning into bridezilla. Or just being overly sensitive, but I felt like I needed to get it all of my chest.

SP29 · October 2016

breezzy33 said:

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not, but my Fiance and I have been engaged for about two and a half years now and been together for three and a half. We are finally getting married at the end of this month and his mother and step father, who have all but ignored the fact that we are getting married up until the beginning of this month have started to get really passive aggressive about everything. My fiance and I both from the start of our engagement have been really uncomfortable asking people for any sort of help. So we did everything ourselves we paid for all of it we planned all the before wedding parties and events excluding my bridal shower, which my mom planned after I agreed to have one as long as it was small and I knew everyone. The events you and your FI should be planning are the wedding and rehearsal dinner. You should not plan any events in honour of yourselves- i.e. showers and bach parties.

So we will start with his step fathers family. We planned a very small budget friendly even of 50 people, because he just finished grad school and money is tight and I don't like being in large groups of people I don't know. So we initially planned on having immediate family and close friends at the wedding. His mother and step father very much wanted to invite his step fathers family and offered to pay for us to invite eleven extra people. The wedding is in a few weeks and every time we've brought up the subject of the money for their guests they deflect with stories about how broke they are because of a recent purchase of four wheelers. So I am starting to get really stressed about where I am going to come up with the extra money for these guests we had never intended on inviting. It is nice to take FI's parents wishes into consideration, but you are not obligated to invite these additional guests. If your FI wanted them there, then yes I think you should, but if your FI is not close to his step father's family, then that is his decision. Big lesson you have now learned- do not accept someone's promise of paying for something until you have the money in hand. Have invites been sent? I assume yes- you are now stuck. The only thing you can do is have FI talk to his parents and let them know the date the final deposit is due for the venue/catering. At the end of the day though, the cost is on you both. Can you cut back on flowers or other decor to save a bit? What kind of bar do you have? If it's a full bar, you could cut it down to beer and wine only. Nix any favours not yet purchased.

Now on to my bridal shower. I never wanted one, but my mom really wanted to have one for me so we agreed to have one as long as it was less than 15 people and I personally knew everyone. Last week my mom got an email from my Fiances mother, insisting we invite several members of her husbands family to the bridal shower. I think I may have met these women once several years ago, but I don't know them very well at all. So I was a bit upset that they would insist they have that level of control over a party they aren't throwing. That may just be me being sensitive though. Nope. Your MIL is not hosting the party, she does not get control of the guest list. If she wants to throw you a shower with her family invited, then she can offer to host one. Your mother should firmly tell her, "I am sorry MIL, but the guest list has been finalized. Looking forward to seeing you there!".

Moving on to our rehearsal dinner as soon as we got engaged we knew the exact place we wanted to have our rehearsal dinner. At our favorite brewery because we have several friends coming from our of state and we want them to have a chance to try it out. We never asked nor expected his parents to pay for it. They asked our plans and we told them. A week later his mother invited him out for a hike to let him know since we planned the rehearsal dinner they will not be paying for it. And are insisting we do it at a different place of their choosing. Again we never asked nor expected them to pay and we specifically picked this location. It was probably the second wedding related decision we made because we really want our friends to have a chance to check it out.
Theres a few other instances but i feel like this post is crazy long already. I'm not sure if I'm just slowly turning into bridezilla. Or just being overly sensitive, but I felt like I needed to get it all of my chest. Nope. FI's parents not hosting, they do not get a say in the RD location. That is an old tradition that the groom's parents pay for the RD. FI should tell his mom, "Don't worry Mom, we've got it covered"- end of discussion. The only time I would take their concerns to heart is if they are bringing up some valid reasons as to why the RD should not be at that location. How far is the RD from the rehearsal space? Is it easy to commute to? Will all of the WP (including any children in the WP) be allowed to attend at the brewery?

Overall- you are not being a bridezilla. It is right for you and your FI to plan your own wedding. If FI's parents are not contributing to the wedding they do not get a say! It is nice to take their wishes into consideration, but at the end of the day, you are paying, it's your decision. FI should be the one to deal with his parents (blood talks to blood), and present any decision as a united front from both of you, for example, not saying something like, "but Breezzy really wants the RD at this brewery" but, "We have decided we are having the RD at Brewery".

This will be a good time for you and your FI to set boundaries. Sounds like FI's parents are pretty opinionated people, and perhaps you will end up dealing with his more as you go through your lives together (i.e. where you move, when/if you have children), so start setting boundaries now. Phrases you can use are, "Thank for the idea- we'll consider it", "Oh we haven't thought about that yet", to, "Don't worry, we've got it covered- all you need to do is show up", "The guest list has been finalized", "We have made the decision already and it is final".

OliveOilsMom · October 2016

You are less than a month out now. So there really isn't much that can be done about the extra guests your FMIL and FSFIL insisted be invited. Your FI needs to go to them and tell them that 4 wheelers or not, they promised they would pay for these 11 people. The amount is X and if its not received in 2 weeks time, he will personally uninvited them because you two cannot afford to host them. THIS IS ONLY A BLUFF. You should NEVER uninvited someone. But if FILs hear their guests may be uninvited may make them cough up the money.

In hindsight, you should have only sent out the invitations when you had money in hand. You are not the first bride on these boards who was promised money for x and did not receive the money. This is not the best idea, but its an idea. But could you cover these 11 guests on a credit card?

Your mother is also free to tell FMIL that her guests cannot be accommodated. Your FMIL overstepped bounds (sound familiar) by asking your mom to add to the shower guest list.

You need to begin to set up healthy boundaries with your FILs or they will continue to walk all over you because they know they can. Saying "No" is not bad, its not a four letter word, so begin to use it.

redwoodoriginal · October 2016

I don't understand why you simply didn't say no.

You/FI: we are having a very small 50ppl wedding
MIL: you must invite these 11! People you don't know.
YOU/FI: I'm sorry the guest list has been decided.

MIL: you must invite these ppl to the shower!
YOU/YOUR MOM: I'm sorry, we are have a very small guest list and it already has been decided.

YOU/FI: we're hosting the reherseal dinner at X
MIL: you must have it here instead!
YOU/FI: oh it's already been booked at X. Thanks for your suggestion, though.

Like. Seriously. Why do you think she's allowed to make all these changes?

as far as them paying for the people they made you invite- id start looking for ways to cut your budget that DON'T affect your guests so you make sure you can cover them bc I highly doubt they will ever pay for them.

short+sassy · October 2016

Your FMIL should bottle up and sell some of that extra chutzpah she has in order to pay for the 11 wedding guests they promised to.

Asking to invite other people to the shower your mother is hosting? No. But I think my personal favorite is (paraphrasing), "We're not paying for the RD because you already planned it, but we insist you change the restaurant to X."

Seriously, though, I'm sorry you all have been going through that. It's never fun to "say no", especially to family, but that is what you have to do sometimes. There is nothing "bridezilla-ish" in your behavior.

In fact, you all did (at least initially) what the forums on here always recommend. You set a budget that you and your FI could live within and then invited appropriately. Unfortunately, you bowed to your ILs on the extra 11 people, and now they put you all in a pickle. I know that ship has sailed but, your best bet would have been to refuse to send those invites (or STDs) until cash was in hand. And if cash was never in hand? Well then, I guess the ILs didn't want those guests as badly as they initially implied.

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