How to Word Sticky Wedding Invitation

Knottie1470871808 · December 2016

Hi Knotties, I need a little help wording a sticky invitation situation. Parents are divorced. My Dad is paying for the ceremony and reception. His "wife" (not really married), is helping pay for flowers. My mother isn't helping to pay anything, and is just flying in for the wedding (she is re-married). I'm having a tough time trying to figure out how to word the invitations. Typically they say to put the mother first, but she's not hosting or paying for anything, so I'm getting thrown off. In this situation, how would you word the invites? Please help!

Jen4948 · December 2016

Hosting is not determined by who is paying for what or even "tradition." The financial arrangements are none of the guests' business, so they do not influence the wording of the invitation.

Also, being listed on an invitation is not an "honor." The persons "honored" by invitations are the guests, not the hosts or honorees (the couple at a wedding).

Who is acting as the "point persons" of the wedding? That is, who is actually inviting the guests, receiving their responses, answering any questions they have, making the actual arrangements for their needs to be dealt with (this is not the same as paying for the wedding), and greeting the guests at the wedding? The persons actually doing this are the hosts and should be so listed on the invitation. If your parents are not doing this (even if they're contributing financially), they should not be listed as hosts - not even as a "courtesy" because it misleads guests as to whom they should be dealing with regarding their wedding-related needs and concerns.

If both your parents are doing actual hosting (not just contributing financially), you use either

Ms. Bride's Mother
Mr. Bride's Father
(Mr. and Mrs. Groom's Parents)
request the honor of your presence (for a ceremony at a house of worship)/or
request the pleasure of your company (for all other ceremonies)
at the marriage of
Bride
and
Groom
on Day, Date
at Time
Venue Name
Venue Address
City, State/Country

or (this wording seems to work best in sticky situations)

Together with their parents/families
Bride
and
Groom
request the honor of your presence (for a ceremony at a house of worship)/or
request the pleasure of your company (for all other ceremonies)
as they are united in marriage
etc.

If you and your FI are the only hosts, you use "unhosted" wording to convey this:

The honor of your presence is requested (for a ceremony at a house of worship)/or
The pleasure of your company is requested (for all other ceremonies)/
at the marriage of
Bride
and
Groom
etc.

cowgirl8238 · December 2016

Jen4948 said:

Hosting is not determined by who is paying for what or even "tradition." The financial arrangements are none of the guests' business, so they do not influence the wording of the invitation.

THIS!!!

When I got married my parents paid for the entire wedding. They wanted nothing to do with the "hosting" aspect and were more than happy to be the "silent contributor". So our invites were just like the last one @Jen4948 listed above.

Knottie1470871808 · December 2016

Jen, thank you SO much!

Jen4948 · December 2016

Happy to help!

CMGragain · December 2016

Honestly, if Dad is paying for the ceremony and the reception, I think he should get credit for hosting. "Not really married"? What?

Mr. John Bridesfather
requests the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of his daughter
Bride's first middle
to
Mr. Groom's Full Name

This would be an option. The formats that Jen gave you are also good. It is up to you. If you name your Dad as host, then he is one who stands in the receiving line and he is the one whom guests thank at the reception. Your Mom may also stand in the receiving line if she wishes, but it is not necessary.

ILoveBeachMusic · December 2016

CMGragain said:

Honestly, if Dad is paying for the ceremony and the reception, I think he should get credit for hosting. "Not really married"? What?

Mr. John Bridesfather
requests the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of his daughter
Bride's first middle
to
Mr. Groom's Full Name

This would be an option. The formats that Jen gave you are also good. It is up to you. If you name your Dad as host, then he is one who stands in the receiving line and he is the one whom guests thank at the reception. Your Mom may also stand in the receiving line if she wishes, but it is not necessary.

I thought we've always said paying doesn't equal hosting?

MairePoppy · December 2016

ILoveBeachMusic said:

CMGragain said:

Honestly, if Dad is paying for the ceremony and the reception, I think he should get credit for hosting. "Not really married"? What?

Mr. John Bridesfather
requests the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of his daughter
Bride's first middle
to
Mr. Groom's Full Name

This would be an option. The formats that Jen gave you are also good. It is up to you. If you name your Dad as host, then he is one who stands in the receiving line and he is the one whom guests thank at the reception. Your Mom may also stand in the receiving line if she wishes, but it is not necessary.

I thought we've always said paying doesn't equal hosting?

Paying doesn't necessarily equal hosting, but... since Dad is paying for both the ceremony and reception, he may consider himself to be the host of his daughter's wedding. I wouldn't want to offend such a generous Dad. OP should go over the wording of the invitation with her father before she has them printed, IMO.

If Mom is helping with any of the planning, she may be included as a host of the wedding, too. Money isn't the only way to contribute. The mother and fathers names would go on separate lines.

ILoveBeachMusic · December 2016

MairePoppy said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

CMGragain said:

Honestly, if Dad is paying for the ceremony and the reception, I think he should get credit for hosting. "Not really married"? What?

Mr. John Bridesfather
requests the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of his daughter
Bride's first middle
to
Mr. Groom's Full Name

This would be an option. The formats that Jen gave you are also good. It is up to you. If you name your Dad as host, then he is one who stands in the receiving line and he is the one whom guests thank at the reception. Your Mom may also stand in the receiving line if she wishes, but it is not necessary.

I thought we've always said paying doesn't equal hosting?

Paying doesn't necessarily equal hosting, but... since Dad is paying for both the ceremony and reception, he may consider himself to be the host of his daughter's wedding. I wouldn't want to offend such a generous Dad. OP should go over the wording of the invitation with her father before she has them printed, IMO.

If Mom is helping with any of the planning, she may be included as a host of the wedding, too. Money isn't the only way to contribute. The mother and fathers names would go on separate lines.

I totally agree, I was just wondering why the difference in advice.

Knottie1470871808 · December 2016

My mother isn't helping at all (financially or otherwise). I've discussed with both parents regarding the etiquette of the invitation and the hosting mentioned above. We haven't decided on the best option yet. Dad doesn't want his name on the invitation without hers because he feels it will not be right. But he understands the reasoning of the host being on the invitation. We will continue to discuss, and hopefully we can decide on something soon.
Thank you to everyone who helped me out! Words cannot express my gratitude!

CMGragain · December 2016

ILoveBeachMusic said:

MairePoppy said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

CMGragain said:

Honestly, if Dad is paying for the ceremony and the reception, I think he should get credit for hosting. "Not really married"? What?

Mr. John Bridesfather
requests the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of his daughter
Bride's first middle
to
Mr. Groom's Full Name

This would be an option. The formats that Jen gave you are also good. It is up to you. If you name your Dad as host, then he is one who stands in the receiving line and he is the one whom guests thank at the reception. Your Mom may also stand in the receiving line if she wishes, but it is not necessary.

I thought we've always said paying doesn't equal hosting?

Paying doesn't necessarily equal hosting, but... since Dad is paying for both the ceremony and reception, he may consider himself to be the host of his daughter's wedding. I wouldn't want to offend such a generous Dad. OP should go over the wording of the invitation with her father before she has them printed, IMO.

If Mom is helping with any of the planning, she may be included as a host of the wedding, too. Money isn't the only way to contribute. The mother and fathers names would go on separate lines.

I totally agree, I was just wondering why the difference in advice.

Fifty years ago, it was easier. The bride's parents were expected to pay for any formal wedding, which was usually in a church, followed by a cake and punch reception. They were named as hosts on the invitation.
Today, hosting can be a gray area. My husband did not lift one finger to plan daughter's wedding, except to write the check that paid for it. Did we list me as the sole host? Of course not! We used the traditional form, and DH walked daughter down the aisle and presented her for marriage.
Every situation is different, and the people involved should decide which, among the many proper wordings, best fits their situation. The one hard and fast rule is the the couple never directly invited people to a wedding that they are self-hosting.

Jen4948 · December 2016

CMGragain said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

MairePoppy said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

CMGragain said:

Honestly, if Dad is paying for the ceremony and the reception, I think he should get credit for hosting. "Not really married"? What?

Mr. John Bridesfather
requests the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of his daughter
Bride's first middle
to
Mr. Groom's Full Name

This would be an option. The formats that Jen gave you are also good. It is up to you. If you name your Dad as host, then he is one who stands in the receiving line and he is the one whom guests thank at the reception. Your Mom may also stand in the receiving line if she wishes, but it is not necessary.

I thought we've always said paying doesn't equal hosting?

Paying doesn't necessarily equal hosting, but... since Dad is paying for both the ceremony and reception, he may consider himself to be the host of his daughter's wedding. I wouldn't want to offend such a generous Dad. OP should go over the wording of the invitation with her father before she has them printed, IMO.

If Mom is helping with any of the planning, she may be included as a host of the wedding, too. Money isn't the only way to contribute. The mother and fathers names would go on separate lines.

I totally agree, I was just wondering why the difference in advice.

Fifty years ago, it was easier. The bride's parents were expected to pay for any formal wedding, which was usually in a church, followed by a cake and punch reception. They were named as hosts on the invitation.
Today, hosting can be a gray area. My husband did not lift one finger to plan daughter's wedding, except to write the check that paid for it. Did we list me as the sole host? Of course not! We used the traditional form, and DH walked daughter down the aisle and presented her for marriage.
Every situation is different, and the people involved should decide which, among the many proper wordings, best fits their situation. The one hard and fast rule is the the couple never directly invited people to a wedding that they are self-hosting.

For years you've been arguing in this forum that invitations are not playbills and non-hosting parents should not be listed as hosts.

Should the groom's parents now automatically be listed "just because it best fits the situation" even if they are not doing a single thing to actually host the wedding? You've always previously come down very hard against it.

The whole point of limiting those listed on an invitation to the hosts and honorees is to make clear to the guests who the couple and the hosts are-not to "honor" anyone other than the recipients. If the couple or their parents want to do that, then that's what programs can be used for.

CMGragain · December 2016

I did 50% of the planning on daughter's wedding. I kept track of RSVPs. Of course I was hosting. It would have looked weird to list me without my husband, even though he did nothing but co-operate. Honestly, lots of Dads do this. They just keep their head down and try not to get into wedding discussions!
Hosting is not paying. If someone gives you money to pay for flowers, that is a lovely gift, but it is not hosting. However, if someone is paying for the entire wedding, as OP's father is doing, I think he deserves to be named as host. If someone invited you to a nice restaurant, and paid the entire bill, wouldn't you consider him the host of your evening? I would.
On the other hand, the OP has a tricky situation with family and not quite family members. She has options, as you suggested. I agree with @MairrePoppy that she should run the wording by her family before ordering her invitations.

flantastic · December 2016

CMGragain said:

I did 50% of the planning on daughter's wedding. I kept track of RSVPs. Of course I was hosting. It would have looked weird to list me without my husband, even though he did nothing but co-operate. Honestly, lots of Dads do this. They just keep their head down and try not to get into wedding discussions!
Hosting is not paying. If someone gives you money to pay for flowers, that is a lovely gift, but it is not hosting. However, if someone is paying for the entire wedding, as OP's father is doing, I think he deserves to be named as host. If someone invited you to a nice restaurant, and paid the entire bill, wouldn't you consider him the host of your evening? I would.
On the other hand, the OP has a tricky situation with family and not quite family members. She has options, as you suggested. I agree with @MairrePoppy that she should run the wording by her family before ordering her invitations.

Except I might be happy to pay for something but want nothing to do with the hosting duties (i.e. the day of). So it has nothing to do with "deserving" to be listed and everything to do with actually hosting. If dad wanted to host, he should say that (she should check with him). Hosting could be a string attached to the money (if he really wanted to host) but if he doesn't want to do it, then he's really not hosting, no matter how much of the bill he paid, and one's deserts don't come into it.

I'm not sure I even agree with that, but it's what follows from everything you've ever argued before.

MairePoppy · December 2016

It's not the guests' business to know who is paying for the wedding. That's truly a crass idea. It is the reason, or so I thought, that we say invitations aren't playbills.

Op has stated that her father doesn't want his name on the invitation. 'The honor of your presence' or 'The pleasure of you company' would work perfectly in this situation.

Jen4948 said:

The honor of your presence is requested (for a ceremony at a house of worship)/or
The pleasure of your company is requested (for all other ceremonies)/
at the marriage of
Bride
and
Groom
etc.

CMGragain · December 2016

Knottie1470871808 said:

My mother isn't helping at all (financially or otherwise). I've discussed with both parents regarding the etiquette of the invitation and the hosting mentioned above. We haven't decided on the best option yet. Dad doesn't want his name on the invitation without hers because he feels it will not be right. But he understands the reasoning of the host being on the invitation. We will continue to discuss, and hopefully we can decide on something soon.
Thank you to everyone who helped me out! Words cannot express my gratitude!

@MairePoppe, that isn't what the OP said. Dad doesn't want his name on the invitation without the mother's name.

Personally, I would go with your suggested unhosted wording on this one, though there is nothing wrong with listing Dad's name as the sole host.

MyNameIsNot · December 2016

CMGragain said:

I did 50% of the planning on daughter's wedding. I kept track of RSVPs. Of course I was hosting. It would have looked weird to list me without my husband, even though he did nothing but co-operate. Honestly, lots of Dads do this. They just keep their head down and try not to get into wedding discussions!
Hosting is not paying. If someone gives you money to pay for flowers, that is a lovely gift, but it is not hosting. However, if someone is paying for the entire wedding, as OP's father is doing, I think he deserves to be named as host. If someone invited you to a nice restaurant, and paid the entire bill, wouldn't you consider him the host of your evening? I would.
On the other hand, the OP has a tricky situation with family and not quite family members. She has options, as you suggested. I agree with @MairrePoppy that she should run the wording by her family before ordering her invitations.

False analogy. If I invited you to a nice restaurant and picked up the tab with a gift card my dad gave me, you'd still consider me the host. Not my dad. That's the whole point, who is doing the inviting here?

I think OP is fine with any of the options, so long as the parents are comfortable with it. But paying =/= hosting, no matter how much you try to make it so.

CMGragain · December 2016

I'm really not sure what we are disputing. I think the no-host wording is fine. It depends on the family. It wouldn't fly in my family, but it sounds like this one will accept it without a fuss.
Interesting. Usually we have problems with people who are not hosting, but insist on being named on the invitation, anyway. I don't think we have ever had a question where nobody is worried about it. Isn't it nice, for a change?

Jen4948 · December 2016

CMGragain said:

I'm really not sure what we are disputing. I think the no-host wording is fine. It depends on the family. It wouldn't fly in my family, but it sounds like this one will accept it without a fuss.
Interesting. Usually we have problems with people who are not hosting, but insist on being named on the invitation, anyway. I don't think we have ever had a question where nobody is worried about it. Isn't it nice, for a change?

We're questioning your "it depends on the family" response.

First, it's a departure from the position you have argued here for many years, which is that parents should only be listed if they are actual hosts, not just financial contributors.

Second, the wording should not be chosen to stroke the egos of insecure parents and family members who want the wording to reflect a nonexistent family/hosting situation because "it makes them comfortable."

The wording is not about honoring anyone or "making them comfortable." It's about explaining to the recipients exactly who is inviting them and to what, when, and where they are being invited.

CMGragain · December 2016

Jen, I agree with everything you just posted. This is not a new position for me.

The whole "Together with their parents" wording has always bothered the traditional me, but in some cases, it is the best way to go in order to keep the peace. I don't dispute it, I just recommend using the traditional wording.

Hosting/paying can be a gray area in some families. Traditionally, the women would plan the wedding, and the FOB simply paid the bills. My own husband did this. Does that mean he wasn't hosting? I don't think so. There are some modern families where the FOB actively participates in planning, but I think it is unusual.

Now, if a FOB simply handed the mailed the daughter a check and said, "Have a nice wedding," then, no, that wouldn't be hosting. But is that much different than my DH, who simply paid the bills? Think about it.

Jen4948 · December 2016

CMGragain said:

Jen, I agree with everything you just posted. This is not a new position for me.

The whole "Together with their parents" wording has always bothered the traditional me, but in some cases, it is the best way to go in order to keep the peace. I don't dispute it, I just recommend using the traditional wording.

Hosting/paying can be a gray area in some families. Traditionally, the women would plan the wedding, and the FOB simply paid the bills. My own husband did this. Does that mean he wasn't hosting? I don't think so. There are some modern families where the FOB actively participates in planning, but I think it is unusual.

Now, if a FOB simply handed the mailed the daughter a check and said, "Have a nice wedding," then, no, that wouldn't be hosting. But is that much different than my DH, who simply paid the bills? Think about it.

We don't disagree with traditional wording either. It has built-in nuances and expectations on both the hosts' and the recipients' sides.

I think that where we disagree is about adjusting the wording to "keep the peace" with family members who want the wording to reflect situations that don't exist in reality in order to be "comfortable." The problem here is that this is not the purpose of the invitation and it can be confusing to the persons who receive it when it appears that people who are not actually hosts are inviting them.

I doubt whether anybody at your daughter's wedding cared whether your husband was contributing financially, but they probably would have cared if he did not act like a host at the wedding or refused to answer their questions.

CMGragain · December 2016

Good point. I agree with everything you just posted.

I really dislike it when people think they have the right to be on an invitation for an event which they are non-hosts. Giving birth/being a sperm donor does not give the right or any reason to be on a wedding invitation. We agree on this!

Jen4948 · December 2016

Yes, but we don't seem to agree anymore that merely paying for the wedding in and of itself doesn't entitle you to be listed on the invitation as a host, regardless of what percentage of the costs you're paying for. Even if you're paying for the whole thing, you shouldn't be listed if you aren't doing any of the actual hosting work as a "point person" for the guests.

How to Word Sticky Wedding Invitation

Re: How to Word Sticky Wedding Invitation

Choose Another Board

Search Boards