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Are one-offs really going to confuse your kid *that* much?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
I am a divorced mother of a wonderful 2-year-old son. His dad and I share custody and have a low-conflict co-parenting relationship. This last year I was lucky enough to meet a wonderful man whom I love very much, and who is very good to me and my son. As the three of us have begun spending more time together as a little unit, people (servers at restaurants, sales associates, etc.) have assumed that my boyfriend is my son’s dad and refer to him as such. My boyfriend approached me about it and asked how I would prefer to respond to these well-meaning strangers, but I don’t know how to handle it either! Even at this young age, my son knows his father as his “dad” and my boyfriend by his first name and I don’t want him to be confused. Any thoughts?

—New to the Blended Family

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Re: Are one-offs really going to confuse your kid *that* much?

  • bleve0821bleve0821 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    If the kid is calling BF by BF's name, and dad is still fully in the picture, I would be inclined to doubt that the kid is going to be confused about strangers saying something.  Eventually, he's either going to start asking questions, or just say, "BF isn't my daddy."  NBD.

    If it were me, I'd probably already be saying, "[BF name] isn't kid's dad."  Kids do pick up on these things, so I wouldn't just continue to let others make incorrect assumptions.  I feel like ignoring that others assume BF is kid's dad is going to be what causes real problems.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

    charlotte989875PrettyGirlLostSP29
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  • GBCKGBCK member
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    I do think more adults who deal w/ people should learn to not make these assumptions.
    (I manage to generally refer to them as 'your grown ups' to kids.  Which tends to amuse kids and keeps me out of the complications--because DAMN are there complications that I deal with on a weekly basis)

    And kids feel the need to specify.  I had to explain in depth what step-parents were this week because Buffy didn't understand it.
    mrsconn23OurWildKingdomkimmiinthemittenTrixieJess
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    *Barbie* said:
    the answer is pretty simple - the mom should limit herself to interracial relationships - where the boyfriend is not of the same race as her and the child. that way nobody's going to mistake the guy as the biological father (stepdad or adoptive dad, maybe, but it will probably happen less than it does now.)

    or you know, she could stop caring. 
    Right? It's really not that big a deal if it's just random people and going out of her way to correct them is just awkward for everyone involved.
    OurWildKingdomVarunaTTSP29
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    GBCK said:
    I do think more adults who deal w/ people should learn to not make these assumptions.
    (I manage to generally refer to them as 'your grown ups' to kids.  Which tends to amuse kids and keeps me out of the complications--because DAMN are there complications that I deal with on a weekly basis)

    And kids feel the need to specify.  I had to explain in depth what step-parents were this week because Buffy didn't understand it.

    At a previous job, I had a coworker who had married a much younger woman.  He already had grown children and he and his wife had a 6-year-old together.  He had a picture of this little girl on his desk.  People who didn't know ALWAYS assumed it was his grandchild.

    He was a really good sport though.  He understood and just thought it was funny when people made the mistake.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    When I was 18-21ish, I used to work for Piercing Pagoda. (For those not familiar, a jewelry store owned by Zales that was located in mall kiosks, where we did ear piercing in addition to selling jewelry.) When a minor wanted to have their ears pierced, we needed parental permission - or legal guardian . If they refused or didn't have the documents to prove the relationship (e.g. photo id and court appointed guardianship papers), we were supposed to refuse to do the piercing because of the legal liability. 

    What always got my hackles up was times where I would see an older woman (30s+), a tween/young teen, and a newborn come up to the stand. The first thing I would say is that I need to see mom's photo ID (driver's license, state issued ID, passport, etc.) - which was (way too often) met by - "well mom is only 14 so she doesn't have a driver's license yet, but I'm the grandma, and I can sign for the baby." 
    me: "no, ma'am, i'm sorry, but you can't sign unless you're the legal guardian of the baby, in which case I need to see the court paperwork that appoints you as guardian."
    grandma: ***general yelling, ranting, accusations of discrimination over any number of things, etc.***
    me: "ma'am, i'm sorry that you feel that way, but it's a situation of legal liability, and I'm not allowed to pierce a minor without the specified paperwork. please feel free to call my boss (business card) or district manager (2nd business card) to discuss your concerns about this policy."

    ... and then I would call the other 3 stores in the mall to let them know what was up and to refuse service, because almost invariably they would try another stand and lie about the grandmother being the mom. 


    in cases where i was approached by the trio, the older woman would present as the mother, and I hadn't received a call from anyone else, I would process the transaction, but i always wondered how many of those cases had a lying grandmother vs how many were legit older moms with a big gap between kids. 
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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    *Barbie* said:
    When I was 18-21ish, I used to work for Piercing Pagoda. (For those not familiar, a jewelry store owned by Zales that was located in mall kiosks, where we did ear piercing in addition to selling jewelry.) When a minor wanted to have their ears pierced, we needed parental permission - or legal guardian . If they refused or didn't have the documents to prove the relationship (e.g. photo id and court appointed guardianship papers), we were supposed to refuse to do the piercing because of the legal liability. 

    What always got my hackles up was times where I would see an older woman (30s+), a tween/young teen, and a newborn come up to the stand. The first thing I would say is that I need to see mom's photo ID (driver's license, state issued ID, passport, etc.) - which was (way too often) met by - "well mom is only 14 so she doesn't have a driver's license yet, but I'm the grandma, and I can sign for the baby." 
    me: "no, ma'am, i'm sorry, but you can't sign unless you're the legal guardian of the baby, in which case I need to see the court paperwork that appoints you as guardian."
    grandma: ***general yelling, ranting, accusations of discrimination over any number of things, etc.***
    me: "ma'am, i'm sorry that you feel that way, but it's a situation of legal liability, and I'm not allowed to pierce a minor without the specified paperwork. please feel free to call my boss (business card) or district manager (2nd business card) to discuss your concerns about this policy."

    ... and then I would call the other 3 stores in the mall to let them know what was up and to refuse service, because almost invariably they would try another stand and lie about the grandmother being the mom. 


    in cases where i was approached by the trio, the older woman would present as the mother, and I hadn't received a call from anyone else, I would process the transaction, but i always wondered how many of those cases had a lying grandmother vs how many were legit older moms with a big gap between kids. 
    That would have annoyed me too. FTR, there is 14 years between my two cousins. The younger of the brothers was an "oops" baby. I understand this though in terms of legal liability. 
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    TrixieJess said:

    That would have annoyed me too. FTR, there is 14 years between my two cousins. The younger of the brothers was an "oops" baby. I understand this though in terms of legal liability. 
    My childhood BFF was another one with a big age gap between siblings. Her sister is ~12 years older - she was midway through college when BFF and I met in 3rd grade. 
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    *Barbie* said:
    TrixieJess said:

    That would have annoyed me too. FTR, there is 14 years between my two cousins. The younger of the brothers was an "oops" baby. I understand this though in terms of legal liability. 
    My childhood BFF was another one with a big age gap between siblings. Her sister is ~12 years older - she was midway through college when BFF and I met in 3rd grade. 
    2 friends are like that.
    My bff has an age gap of 10yrs between her and her brother {she's older} and one of M's friends, he and his sister are in there early-mid 20s, then there's 2 younger siblings that aren't even 10! {20yr age gap approx}
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    MissKittyDanger said:
    *Barbie* said:
    TrixieJess said:

    That would have annoyed me too. FTR, there is 14 years between my two cousins. The younger of the brothers was an "oops" baby. I understand this though in terms of legal liability. 
    My childhood BFF was another one with a big age gap between siblings. Her sister is ~12 years older - she was midway through college when BFF and I met in 3rd grade. 
    2 friends are like that.
    My bff has an age gap of 10yrs between her and her brother {she's older} and one of M's friends, he and his sister are in there early-mid 20s, then there's 2 younger siblings that aren't even 10! {20yr age gap approx}
    My oldest is 20, Mouse is 11 months. They love each other though.
    MissKittyDangershort+sassyOurWildKingdomcowgirl8238
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    DrillSergeantCat said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    2 friends are like that.
    My bff has an age gap of 10yrs between her and her brother {she's older} and one of M's friends, he and his sister are in there early-mid 20s, then there's 2 younger siblings that aren't even 10! {20yr age gap approx}
    My oldest is 20, Mouse is 11 months. They love each other though.
    I love when it works out :) I'm assuming your oldest is adorable because Mouse is ;)

    {side note: the friends mentioned aren't from separate marriages - same parents}
    DrillSergeantCat
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