Four men.

mrsconn23 · January 2017

Dear Prudence,
I feel totally trapped. Six years ago, after raising two successful children and finalizing an amicable divorce, I married a man with a troubled 17-year-old child. I didn’t marry my husband until his son was out of the house, but he’s continued to be a problem—calling constantly for money and dealing drugs. He went to prison for nine months after getting his girlfriend pregnant (who also has a drug problem), and it was the most peace any of us had ever had. My husband has tried to keep the worst away from me, but it causes him a lot of stress. We now have temporary custody of their 4-year-old (her family has too much criminal history to qualify). We are the boy’s only alternative to foster care and I have serious doubts his parents will be able to get their acts together within a year, which is the current limit for reunification.

Our life before this consisted of lots of traveling, going out to dinner, and doing what we wanted after having raised our own kids and working hard. I’ve decided that I want to stay, in no small part because I don’t have any friends, which I realized after my first divorce, and would be devastatingly alone if I left. I love my husband and hope to get our life back after this detour. This child is a good kid, but he is difficult and has been through a lot: He doesn’t sleep well, he’s very obstinate, and I find myself resentful that I’m in this terrible place. My husband apologizes and says I don’t have to stay, and I recognize he has no choice. He can’t send his grandson into foster care. I feel like I have no good choice. I hate the boy’s parents for putting me in this situation, and I don’t know what to do to make this work and to stop being so angry. This little boy doesn’t deserve more screwed-up people around him and I was a great mom once. I just don’t know if I can do it again.

—Resentful

DrillSergeantCat · January 2017

Put him in counseling, put your family in counseling. You're all struggling to deal with this new familial situation and could use some guidance.

mrsconn23 · January 2017

She's an idiot for putting blinders on to her stepson's issues and thinking that if he was 'out of the house', that he'd no longer be a problem.

Part of me feels like she made this bed, so she should lie in it. Another part of me thinks she should cut and run, because if she can't get past her resentment and hatred, this little boy does not need her in his life.

I get that her pretty picture of a life beyond 'raising kids' is not working out the way she thought it would, but a blind man on a galloping horse could have probably seen this coming.

DrillSergeantCat · January 2017

I have a friend whose adult daughter is pregnant. She (daughter) doesn't have a job, won't get a job, sleeps all day, is up all night, and my friend worries that she doesn't really want the baby. I've warned my friend that I hope she's prepared to parent an infant, because that's where this is headed.

bleve0821 · January 2017

I hate that she's calling this a "detour." It makes me prickly.

That's all I've got.

mrsconn23 · January 2017

AtomicBlonde said:

I hate that she's calling this a "detour." It makes me prickly.

Yes. This woman needs a version of the game show "This Is Your Life" that's steeped in reality. Actually, I know a few people who need that.

charlotte989875 · January 2017

Sure, this is not an ideal situation, but sometimes life is like that. You make your choices. If you choose to stay, find a way to carve out some time for yourselves. Find ways to do the things you like to do together. Sure you probably didn't picture raising another small child, but you and your husband made a choice to keep his (your) grandchild out of foster care, so now you have to deal with the consequences.

Also, the anger at the kid? It's definitely not his fault. Get some therapy to deal with these issues. And maybe some part-time care (if that's in budget) so that you can have some time to yourself as well.

bleve0821 · January 2017

The more I think about this letter, the more issues I have with it. That "detour" really changed the whole tone of the letter for me.

I mean, I understand that it's a shock to find yourself, an empty-nester close to or already retired, suddenly raising a grandchild. DH's aunt and uncle are doing that with two infants, and it's been incredibly hard for them, their marriage, their happiness. But it happens. For any number of reasons. And I feel like if LW is ready to walk out on an otherwise stable marriage, on the man she loves, because raising another child wasn't part of her "vision," I think she needs to GTFO and be gone already, because that's a one-foot-out-the-door attitude if I've ever seen one. What if the SS had been a good kid who got killed in a car accident, and the child's maternal family was incapable of helping for reasons that didn't involve criminal activity? Would she still want to leave? Would she still resent the parents?

And then there's this "our life before" crap. Which, when combined with the "detour" and "hope to get our life back" just sounds self-centered and whiny. Okay, I get it, things are going to change if the decision is made to stay and co-parent this child. But it's not like "traveling, going out to dinner, and doing what we wanted" is going to be completely off the table.

This letter just makes me want to flip tables, and I don't know if that would change if I hadn't bristled at the "detour."

Heffalump · January 2017

I can't disagree with any of y'all above, and would just like to add that "I’ve decided that I want to stay, in no small part because I don’t have any friends, which I realized after my first divorce, and would be devastatingly alone if I left" is a super shitty reason to stay with someone. "I hate this situation, but at least it's better than being alone" is not healthy.

short+sassy · January 2017

I'm a little more sympathetic to the LW. I feel really bad for her. That's a big deal to undertake raising a small child in your later years. I've never wanted to be a mother, period. And I sure as heck wouldn't want it thrust upon me as I'm approaching retirement.

I wouldn't blame her for leaving her H over it. It's not what she signed up for and there isn't a compromise. But, that's the thing. She needs to be "all in" or "all out". You can't half-ass being a parent, even if it was unexpected.

I feel like she is still in denial over the situation. She needs to face that her H will probably be raising this young child and decide if she can handle that her life is going to be very different than what she had expected.

Stay or go. Either choice is fine, but unfortunate. However, the bad choice is doing what she is doing. Staying, but with anger and resentment. This poor child has already had a rough start in life. He doesn't need to feel unwanted by yet another adult in his life.

GBCK · January 2017

I'll add that I ruffle a little bit that "raise this kid" and "leave-and be alone forever" and "put the kid in foster care" are the only options.

I know there aren't a lot of awesome options, but surely there are SOME?
Respite care for occasions (which, if the state is involved, should exist), adoption type options (which is a big hairy deal and is the dad/mom/grandfatehr choice, not MrsConn's, but, still), make some effing friends, get some family counseling....
Surely MrsConn can see more than just those 2?

Although I gues ssometimes when you're in it, you need someone else to point these things out, that's why you write letters to prudie.

OliveOilsMom · January 2017

I would love to know what Prudie's response to this LW was, I feel like this is one of those letters where she would miss the mark.

I think the counseling for all is the first step to make. The child probably has some disabilities if the mother was using drugs during the pregnancy. While I'm sure they could get frustrating to deal with, there also needs to be some compassion towards him.

All I can see are LW's selfish wants. To have her H to herself, to travel, go out to dinner, not be alone, etc. But the other part she is missing is that this small child who is her grandchild by marriage NEEDS as stable of a life as s/he can get. So as S+S mentioned above, LW needs to go all in or all out. Resenting the child will help no one.

mrsconn23 · January 2017

I’m so sorry for the situation you’re in. It’s clear that you want to do better for your husband’s grandson, and you understand that your anger and resentment aren’t helping any of you, and I want to commend you for that level of self-awareness. Though you are aware that your husband’s young grandson is not at fault (nor is he being “difficult” on purpose), and might be better off with your help, this was not a life you expected to enter into six years ago, and this is a significant and understandable shock to your system. But ultimately you’ll have to answer for yourself whether you’re willing and able to stay in your marriage if it means helping to raise another child for the next 14 years. This may very well not be a “detour” but the new order of your husband’s life. If the answer is no, as it seems to be, it may be better for you to leave now, before your resentments build and begin to negatively affect him. If the main reason keeping you in your marriage now is a fear of loneliness, that’s not a very healthy foundation for a relationship.

But regardless of whether you stay or go, I think you should do two things right away: seek counseling for dealing with these intense, overwhelming feelings of resentment, and spend at least a few hours every week cultivating a social life outside of your husband and grandson, whether reconnecting with old friends you’ve lost touch with or developing new interests that get you out of the houseand in new social situations. It may be that attending to your own emotional well-being will give you the clarity you need for the difficult decision ahead of you.

VarunaTT · January 2017

My grandparents took me in when I was 12. My grandmother made the decision and grandpa went along. He wasn't super thrilled about the new kid showing up, though he felt a sense of duty, I suspect.

It took a long time (I call both my grandparents Mom and Dad), but Dad came around. I would say at least 3 years. Once I could drive on my own and wasn't such a burden, it lessened for him a lot I think. Then he could see me as an actual person in his life and not just a drain. IDK what I think it did to our relationship, b/c our relationship has changed a lot over the years, both good and bad.

IDK what I'd tell this woman to do. I can see both sides. But if she's going to be totally unable to get past it, even with counseling, maybe she should just go.

levioosa · January 2017

My brother is this son. It's super frustrating when people call it a "phase." No, it's not a fucking phase or a detour. He's a mess, his life is a mess, and it's caused our parent's lives to be a mess because while I have the strength to ignore his bullshit, they do not. I honestly can't believe that we don't have an "impending child" situation yet. LW needs a reality check for sure. This shit isn't just going to disappear and she needs to look long and hard at her future and decide if this is something she is wiling to undertake. Counseling and Al-anon and Nar-anon for sure.

OliveOilsMom · January 2017

mrsconn23 said:

I’m so sorry for the situation you’re in. It’s clear that you want to do better for your husband’s grandson, and you understand that your anger and resentment aren’t helping any of you, and I want to commend you for that level of self-awareness. Though you are aware that your husband’s young grandson is not at fault (nor is he being “difficult” on purpose), and might be better off with your help, this was not a life you expected to enter into six years ago, and this is a significant and understandable shock to your system. But ultimately you’ll have to answer for yourself whether you’re willing and able to stay in your marriage if it means helping to raise another child for the next 14 years. This may very well not be a “detour” but the new order of your husband’s life. If the answer is no, as it seems to be, it may be better for you to leave now, before your resentments build and begin to negatively affect him. If the main reason keeping you in your marriage now is a fear of loneliness, that’s not a very healthy foundation for a relationship.
But regardless of whether you stay or go, I think you should do two things right away: seek counseling for dealing with these intense, overwhelming feelings of resentment, and spend at least a few hours every week cultivating a social life outside of your husband and grandson, whether reconnecting with old friends you’ve lost touch with or developing new interests that get you out of the houseand in new social situations. It may be that attending to your own emotional well-being will give you the clarity you need for the difficult decision ahead of you.

Prudie was pretty spot on this time. I do think this is one of those times when she should have provided the LW a harsher response though. I feel like she often overreacts, but then for a letter like this, she is meh.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2017

AtomicBlonde said:

I hate that she's calling this a "detour." It makes me prickly.

That's all I've got.

It's not a detour- it's a dead end, full stop. This child is four, so she and her husband have at least a 14 year commitment to raising this child. . . which in reality could drag on forever considering she thought she'd be done with her husband's son once he turned 18, and then BAM! he saddles them both with another child.

OliveOilsMom said:

All I can see are LW's selfish wants. To have her H to herself, to travel, go out to dinner, not be alone, etc. But the other part she is missing is that this small child who is her grandchild by marriage NEEDS as stable of a life as s/he can get. So as S+S mentioned above, LW needs to go all in or all out. Resenting the child will help no one.

Not to pick on you or Atomic, but I take major umbrage with this statement. This is the sentiment that child free people have to deal with all of the time, and I just hate it. I think it's very short sighted.

There is nothing selfish about admitting and being 100% honest that you don't want the responsibility of raising a child- whether you come to that decision and choose to be completely child free, or whether you decide this for yourself later in life after you have raised your own kids. It's simply the fact of your reality.

Rather what is selfish is bringing a child into this world, who had no choice in the matter, and then not getting your shit together to raise that child and give it the stability you mentioned.

Yes, the LW was pretty stupid not to see the writing on the wall with her husband's son, and to think a person so troubled would magically vanish from their lives at 18, taking with him all traces of the drama he creates. But I don't think she's a selfish or bad person for stating she doesn't want to raise another child.

If she entered into her relationship with her husband with a certain expectation of the type of life they would have together, and she has no desire to raise another child all the way to adulthood, there's nothing wrong with that. . . except for the fact that now that has all been shot to shit.

So, the LW really needs to sort out if her having to raise this child now is totally a deal breaker or something she can genuinely comes to terms with because she values her relationship with her husband over her own desire not to have to be a mother again.

If this child really is a dealbreaker then sadly I think she should end her relationship with her husband bc I agree that no child should be raised by a parent who doesn't want it- there's already way too much of that going on in the world.

And full disclosure, I'm child free by choice but I'm not anti-child or anti-natalist; I really like kids- toddlers are actually my favorite age group- I just prefer being an Aunt over a mother. . . it's nice to be able to send them home and get back to my "life before" :-P

*Barbie* · January 2017

There's a shitton of red flags on the part of LW, and I'm not excusing that, but WTELF at the husband not making this huge life decision *with* his wife. I find that pretty inexcusable. The least he could have done was sat down with her, discussed different options, impact to their lives, what they both wanted, and a timeline to make a decision. If he was dead set on taking the child and she was completely against it, they could have compromised on a trial period (6 months, a year) and then reevaluated.

There's a lot of other options, as GBCK said, beyond foster care, the unfit parents, and grandparents taking full custody.

Based on her letter, it sounds like she needs to get a life, and leave. The kid has enough problems without adding in a resentful grandmother.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2017

*Barbie* said:

There's a shitton of red flags on the part of LW, and I'm not excusing that, but WTELF at the husband not making this huge life decision *with* his wife. I find that pretty inexcusable. The least he could have done was sat down with her, discussed different options, impact to their lives, what they both wanted, and a timeline to make a decision. If he was dead set on taking the child and she was completely against it, they could have compromised on a trial period (6 months, a year) and then reevaluated.

There's a lot of other options, as GBCK said, beyond foster care, the unfit parents, and grandparents taking full custody.

Based on her letter, it sounds like she needs to get a life, and leave. The kid has enough problems without adding in a resentful grandmother.

Preach! That was my 1st thought.

GBCK · January 2017

re: making the choice w/ the spouse...

I don't know if y'all remember 15ish years ago...but our first year of marriage we were *kinda* approached about being kinship care for a cousin's kid, through CPS.
I mentioned it to the Mr, who was much less than enthusiastic. He'd have thought about it harder if I had insisted. I did some soul searching, decided (IMO, still correctly) our marriage couldn't deal w/ that right then, and for a bunch of other reasons (the level of trainwreck is kinda epic. I've told stories of this cousin). I don't know that he still knows how close I came to insisting that we consider it.

I lost track of cousin's kid, for the most part, after that (more complicated reasons), and I recenty found out the kid (now an adult, legally speaking) is in jail now for a few more years.
I have all sorts of feels about that. I kinda want to cry about it, because the kid never had a chance.
I don't think I could go back and make a different choice, but it still sucks a lot.

kimmiinthemitten · January 2017

Naranon - find a meeting

PrettyGirlLost · January 2017

kimmiinthemitten said:

Naranon - find a meeting

Did you mean to post this in the thread where the LW has an alcoholic uncle?

This LW doesn't want to raise her husband's son's child. . .

kimmiinthemitten · January 2017

PrettyGirlLost said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

Naranon - find a meeting

Did you mean to post this in the thread where the LW has an alcoholic uncle?

This LW doesn't want to raise her husband's son's child. . .

No, I mean it in this one (I haven't made it through all the Prudies yet). The H is enabling the son and the wife is enabling the H.

Her life, in her opinion, is becoming unmanageable/not what she wants, because of the choices of the addict and she is angry about that and unsure of what to do. No one else can tell her what is right for her. She needs to do her own personal inventory and decide for herself if she wants to stay, if so what boundaries she will establish for herself, and how to release herself from the anger.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2017

kimmiinthemitten said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

Naranon - find a meeting

Did you mean to post this in the thread where the LW has an alcoholic uncle?

This LW doesn't want to raise her husband's son's child. . .

No, I mean it in this one (I haven't made it through all the Prudies yet). The H is enabling the son and the wife is enabling the H.

Her life, in her opinion, is becoming unmanageable/not what she wants, because of the choices of the addict and she is angry about that and unsure of what to do. No one else can tell her what is right for her. She needs to do her own personal inventory and decide for herself if she wants to stay, if so what boundaries she will establish for herself, and how to release herself from the anger.

Ooooooh duh. Sorry I had the dumbs on the way home ><

kimmiinthemitten · January 2017

PrettyGirlLost said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

Naranon - find a meeting

Did you mean to post this in the thread where the LW has an alcoholic uncle?

This LW doesn't want to raise her husband's son's child. . .

No, I mean it in this one (I haven't made it through all the Prudies yet). The H is enabling the son and the wife is enabling the H.

Her life, in her opinion, is becoming unmanageable/not what she wants, because of the choices of the addict and she is angry about that and unsure of what to do. No one else can tell her what is right for her. She needs to do her own personal inventory and decide for herself if she wants to stay, if so what boundaries she will establish for herself, and how to release herself from the anger.

Ooooooh duh. Sorry I had the dumbs on the way home ><

That's okay! I think our immediate reactions to things are based on our experiences. As a NarAnon member, I immediately go to the 12 steps when addiction is involved.

Heffalump · January 2017

*Barbie* said:

There's a shitton of red flags on the part of LW, and I'm not excusing that, but WTELF at the husband not making this huge life decision *with* his wife. I find that pretty inexcusable. The least he could have done was sat down with her, discussed different options, impact to their lives, what they both wanted, and a timeline to make a decision. If he was dead set on taking the child and she was completely against it, they could have compromised on a trial period (6 months, a year) and then reevaluated.

There's a lot of other options, as GBCK said, beyond foster care, the unfit parents, and grandparents taking full custody.

Based on her letter, it sounds like she needs to get a life, and leave. The kid has enough problems without adding in a resentful grandmother.

True, but in his defense, sometimes you don't have time to sort all this out beforehand. DH has a cousin who was arrested with his wife for cooking meth in their trailer, and FIL got a call that said "Can you come pick up their girls (4 and 2 at the time), or should we put them in foster care?" There was not much time for weighing pros and cons, it was literally "come get these kids or they're in the system."

It would be nice if they had more time to deliberate, for sure, but it doesn't work that way. Kids need someone to take care of them, and they're either going to Place A or Place B--they can't hang out in the police cruiser while various relatives debate the relative merits of each scenario. Someone has to feed them, give them a bath, and put them to bed that night.

I'm guessing in the moment, the LW's husband said "Sure, we'll take him," because what else can you really do with your own grandchild? He may have discussed it with the LW, but briefly, and she may have been so blindsided that she just said "Well, okay," before either of them could really think through the implications. Maybe she thought it was temporary, and someone else would take them long-term. (The letter did say that the boy's mother's family was disqualified, which makes it sound like maybe they wanted to or tried but couldn't.) That's not to say that it's not a suck situation for her, because it is, but it's not like he swung by an orphanage on the way home and picked up a kid on a whim.

BTW, I think I mentioned before, but DH's cousin's girls (above) have turned out so well, especially given the circumstances. Their grandmother (who lived out of state at the time) ended up adopting them and has really done a great job with them. No idea what happened to their mother, and their father died when he ran his truck off a county road and hit a tree. Killed himself and two passengers, and toxicology came back with just about everything under the sun. Fortunately for the girls, by then he was (not surprisingly) not a presence in their lives.

kimmiinthemitten · January 2017

Heffalump said:

*Barbie* said:

There's a shitton of red flags on the part of LW, and I'm not excusing that, but WTELF at the husband not making this huge life decision *with* his wife. I find that pretty inexcusable. The least he could have done was sat down with her, discussed different options, impact to their lives, what they both wanted, and a timeline to make a decision. If he was dead set on taking the child and she was completely against it, they could have compromised on a trial period (6 months, a year) and then reevaluated.

There's a lot of other options, as GBCK said, beyond foster care, the unfit parents, and grandparents taking full custody.

Based on her letter, it sounds like she needs to get a life, and leave. The kid has enough problems without adding in a resentful grandmother.

True, but in his defense, sometimes you don't have time to sort all this out beforehand. DH has a cousin who was arrested with his wife for cooking meth in their trailer, and FIL got a call that said "Can you come pick up their girls (4 and 2 at the time), or should we put them in foster care?" There was not much time for weighing pros and cons, it was literally "come get these kids or they're in the system."

It would be nice if they had more time to deliberate, for sure, but it doesn't work that way. Kids need someone to take care of them, and they're either going to Place A or Place B--they can't hang out in the police cruiser while various relatives debate the relative merits of each scenario. Someone has to feed them, give them a bath, and put them to bed that night.

I'm guessing in the moment, the LW's husband said "Sure, we'll take him," because what else can you really do with your own grandchild? He may have discussed it with the LW, but briefly, and she may have been so blindsided that she just said "Well, okay," before either of them could really think through the implications. Maybe she thought it was temporary, and someone else would take them long-term. (The letter did say that the boy's mother's family was disqualified, which makes it sound like maybe they wanted to or tried but couldn't.) That's not to say that it's not a suck situation for her, because it is, but it's not like he swung by an orphanage on the way home and picked up a kid on a whim.

BTW, I think I mentioned before, but DH's cousin's girls (above) have turned out so well, especially given the circumstances. Their grandmother (who lived out of state at the time) ended up adopting them and has really done a great job with them. No idea what happened to their mother, and their father died when he ran his truck off a county road and hit a tree. Killed himself and two passengers, and toxicology came back with just about everything under the sun. Fortunately for the girls, by then he was (not surprisingly) not a presence in their lives.

Considering, he hides the worst of his sons addiction and behavior from her I'm going to go ahead and assume she was complicity blindsided because she preferred to not know what was going on. You can't ask to be kept in the dark and then complain you weren't involved or didn't have enough time to make a decision. They could and should have discussed boundaries and what they are and aren't willing to do long before it got to this point.

mrsconn23 · January 2017

kimmiinthemitten said:

Heffalump said:

*Barbie* said:

There's a shitton of red flags on the part of LW, and I'm not excusing that, but WTELF at the husband not making this huge life decision *with* his wife. I find that pretty inexcusable. The least he could have done was sat down with her, discussed different options, impact to their lives, what they both wanted, and a timeline to make a decision. If he was dead set on taking the child and she was completely against it, they could have compromised on a trial period (6 months, a year) and then reevaluated.

There's a lot of other options, as GBCK said, beyond foster care, the unfit parents, and grandparents taking full custody.

Based on her letter, it sounds like she needs to get a life, and leave. The kid has enough problems without adding in a resentful grandmother.

True, but in his defense, sometimes you don't have time to sort all this out beforehand. DH has a cousin who was arrested with his wife for cooking meth in their trailer, and FIL got a call that said "Can you come pick up their girls (4 and 2 at the time), or should we put them in foster care?" There was not much time for weighing pros and cons, it was literally "come get these kids or they're in the system."

It would be nice if they had more time to deliberate, for sure, but it doesn't work that way. Kids need someone to take care of them, and they're either going to Place A or Place B--they can't hang out in the police cruiser while various relatives debate the relative merits of each scenario. Someone has to feed them, give them a bath, and put them to bed that night.

I'm guessing in the moment, the LW's husband said "Sure, we'll take him," because what else can you really do with your own grandchild? He may have discussed it with the LW, but briefly, and she may have been so blindsided that she just said "Well, okay," before either of them could really think through the implications. Maybe she thought it was temporary, and someone else would take them long-term. (The letter did say that the boy's mother's family was disqualified, which makes it sound like maybe they wanted to or tried but couldn't.) That's not to say that it's not a suck situation for her, because it is, but it's not like he swung by an orphanage on the way home and picked up a kid on a whim.

BTW, I think I mentioned before, but DH's cousin's girls (above) have turned out so well, especially given the circumstances. Their grandmother (who lived out of state at the time) ended up adopting them and has really done a great job with them. No idea what happened to their mother, and their father died when he ran his truck off a county road and hit a tree. Killed himself and two passengers, and toxicology came back with just about everything under the sun. Fortunately for the girls, by then he was (not surprisingly) not a presence in their lives.

Considering, he hides the worst of his sons addiction and behavior from her I'm going to go ahead and assume she was complicity blindsided because she preferred to not know what was going on. You can't ask to be kept in the dark and then complain you weren't involved or didn't have enough time to make a decision. They could and should have discussed boundaries and what they are and aren't willing to do long before it got to this point.

Exactly. Not the same but, it's a rolling conversation in my house regarding the kiddo. He's probably going to go to a local college, work, and live at home. DH and I are dealing with what 'threshold' we'll put up with if he starts fucking around (because he's not the most focused and mature kid...yet), not staying in school or keeping jobs or whatever. He's looking at part time jobs right now, so we're hopeful that taste of working, money, and responsibility will help him to grow up a bit.

They probably never, ever had this conversation. Remember, she raised 'successful' kids.

OliveOilsMom · January 2017

PGL - I just want to clarify that I don't think people who are childless by choice are selfish. When I read the letter all I got from LW is me, me, me. If she was blindsided by taking the grandchild in and eventually realized that she didn't want to raise another child, that's fine. But she should have left long ago.

What gets me about this LW is that it could have been something other than a child that changed her life. What if instead of taking the grandchild in, they had a financial crisis or a medical crisis? For a different reason, LW would not have been able to go out to dinner or travel either. She still would be lonely if she left in either of those circumstances. That is why I think LW is selfish.

bleve0821 · January 2017

OliveOilsMom said:

PGL - I just want to clarify that I don't think people who are childless by choice are selfish. When I read the letter all I got from LW is me, me, me. If she was blindsided by taking the grandchild in and eventually realized that she didn't want to raise another child, that's fine. But she should have left long ago.
What gets me about this LW is that it could have been something other than a child that changed her life. What if instead of taking the grandchild in, they had a financial crisis or a medical crisis? For a different reason, LW would not have been able to go out to dinner or travel either. She still would be lonely if she left in either of those circumstances. That is why I think LW is selfish.

This is where I am, too. I'm not judging her for not wanting to raise a grandchild. It's not easy, and it's a strain, and it's a shock to wake up to something like that. And it absolutely isn't fair. To any party involved. I just don't like the tone of her letter, word choice, or the rationale she chose to provide. "Don't want to leave because I'll be lonely." "Want my life back." Etc. I know it's hard to not focus on the unfairness of it all, but I could never imagine leaving my husband because of a situation like this. For better or worse, right?

PrettyGirlLost · January 2017

OliveOilsMom said:

PGL - I just want to clarify that I don't think people who are childless by choice are selfish. When I read the letter all I got from LW is me, me, me. If she was blindsided by taking the grandchild in and eventually realized that she didn't want to raise another child, that's fine. But she should have left long ago.
What gets me about this LW is that it could have been something other than a child that changed her life. What if instead of taking the grandchild in, they had a financial crisis or a medical crisis? For a different reason, LW would not have been able to go out to dinner or travel either. She still would be lonely if she left in either of those circumstances. That is why I think LW is selfish.

I see, so you think she's selfish because she admitted she's staying in the marraige bc if she leaves she'll be lonely?

I can see your point there. I don't think she's being selfish for admitting she prefers her old lifestyle- going out to dinner, traveling, general freedom- over raising a child again.

I imagine she hasn't left yet because she still loves her husband, and she's on the fence about whether this is a dealbreaker or if she can accept it as her new reality. Plus she's already once divorced so I'm sure she's not relishing the idea of having 2 failed marriages. And there's a stigma around not wanting to be a parent, too.

AtomicBlonde said:

This is where I am, too. I'm not judging her for not wanting to raise a grandchild. It's not easy, and it's a strain, and it's a shock to wake up to something like that. And it absolutely isn't fair. To any party involved. I just don't like the tone of her letter, word choice, or the rationale she chose to provide. "Don't want to leave because I'll be lonely." "Want my life back." Etc. I know it's hard to not focus on the unfairness of it all, but I could never imagine leaving my husband because of a situation like this. For better or worse, right?

Depends on what the LW's definition of worse is though, right? She was just being honest in her tone.

I totally agree with everyone- If she's going to be miserable and resentful of this child and her husband and the new life she'll need to adjust to, she should leave now rather than making their lives miserable long term.

Four men.

Re: Four men.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards