"My Kid Doesn't Have to Share" - article.

Re: "My Kid Doesn't Have to Share" - article.

• VarunaTT member

  

  April 2017

  I thought the article was spot on, b/c it differentiated between sharing w/someone you know vs. someone you didn't.  You don't have to share with random people coming up to you and demanding it, no matter your age or what they're demanding.  And I still know adults that feel like they have to offer up an excuse for "No."  Well, you don't.  No is no and you don't have to explain it.
  
  This to me fits into the same category as not making your kids hug someone they don't want to.  Bodily autonomy and boundaries are important and kids have to be taught so they have them as adults.  So far, most of my friends have done a good job.  The few that try and make their kids hug me, and I can tell the kid is uncomfortable, I'll make an excuse to duck out of it for them.

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• short+sassy member

  

  April 2017 edited April 2017

  Not a mother myself, but I agree with the article.  I thought the "sandwich" was a good analogy.  I realize this is one mom's perspective, and she is certainly going to be very biased and "momma bear" toward her child, but she made it sound like the other boys were the rude ones.  Like they just barged over and expected to play with her son's toys.

  Perhaps.  But I suspect the other boys may not have been as aggressive as she made it sound.

  I'm having to go seriously back in time here.  But the gist I remember from my childhood is that I needed to ask nicely and politely if I wanted to play with another child's toy.  And if they said "no", I had to respect that.  Though I secretly thought they were a jerk if they didn't share.  Which kind of goes along the lines of, if another child asked me if they could play with my toy(s), I felt obligated to say "yes".  Even if I didn't want to.  Because I was supposed to "share".

  I appreciate this mother giving her son the power to say "no".  If you think about it, those are deep seated teachings in early childhood to be a "pleaser".  You (general you) grow up feeling like you have to say "yes" and help others, even if it is to your detriment and not what you want.  Which isn't necessarily a bad quality.  But it can also easily go too far. 

  Edited to add:

  My H teases me sometimes.  He eats faster than I do and, if we had something extra good, he'll pretend like he's going to come take the rest of my food.  I'll pull my plate closer to me, glare at him, and pretty much like a toddler say, "MINE!!!" 

  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  April 2017 edited April 2017

  In this scenario, I agree that the kid doesn't have to share. He doesn't know those kids. And kids could stand to be told "no" once in a while. It's good for them.
  
  But if my kid brings a toy to a play date with a friend, he has to share it. If he doesn't want to share it, he can leave it at home or in the car.
  
  ETA: I should say, unless it's a lovie/blankie/security item. I wouldn't make him share that.

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• short+sassy member

  

  April 2017

  Yeah, I think the stranger vs. friend/sibling is an important distinction in that article.

  I also remember growing up.  It might be MY toy but, if my sister wanted to play with it also, I'd have to let her play with it sometimes also.  And vice versa.

  

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• *Barbie* member

  

  April 2017

  i agree with the mom in the article - it's ok for the kid to refuse to share with people they do not know/do not know well. if my daughter took toys to a play date or had friends over, i would expect her to share with her friend, or not bring that toy/put the toy away before her friend came over. i would also support my daughter if she asked for a toy back because the other kid was not treating it well. 
  
  i'd be embarrassed if my daughter was being aggressive in trying to get another kid to share a toy. 
  
  luckily Wolverine is very generous and shares pretty willingly. she's also not afraid to tell another kid "no."
  

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• DrillSergeantCat member

  

  April 2017

  https://www.popsugar.com/moms/Should-You-Teach-Kids-Share-27333250
  
  When I first read this article, the comments were atrocious. Most of the commenters agreed that the child in the second scenario should have given up the car he was playing with even though there were nearly identical cars for him to use. I think the mother of that child was BSC trying to get someone else's child off a toy and had that been my child she was talking to, we'd have had words.
  
  I feel like I failed my oldest. I didn't teach him how to say no or that it's okay to say no. Then, when it was important for him to use his words, he was too scared to. He just told me a couple weeks ago about how, after starting his job, he was so anxious and overwhelmed that when he went to bed he couldn't sleep because he just kept hearing his name over and over. He would complain to me about the number of hours he was working and I told him, "Talk to your manager. Tell her you can't work that many hours." He wouldn't do it.
  
  He'd complain to me about his grandma forcing him to go on a trip that he didn't want to go on and I'd tell him, "tell her no," but he wouldn't. I even tried explaining that it's always okay to say no as long as you're not rude about it.  

  

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• MissKittyDanger member

  

  April 2017

  @DrillSergeantCat  You didn't fail him. Some people can be taught they're allowed to say 'no' but still have issues with confrontation. I have that issue and was taught it's okay to say no.
  Regardless, you didn't fail him.

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• Heffalump member

  

  April 2017

  I'm of two minds, honestly.
  
  No, of course I don't think a kid should have to share anything and everything.  We have this rule at home.  It's okay to have certain things that are special to you, and not for sharing.  It just can't be everything under the sun.  And if it's a thing that you don't want to share, then you need to put it away when your friends come over.  That's just good manners. 
  
  I also think that if you are taking something out into the public world, a bit of sharing isn't unreasonable.  A playdate at the park is tricky, because the line between specifically playing with your friend and playing with a bunch of random kids is much blurrier than if you were at someone's house. 
  
  Some of this seems to be specific baggage on the mom's part, like she's really concerned that sharing toys means that her kid is going to be pushed around all his life, and I think it's a false equivalency.  You can teach kids to be generous within limits, though I would argue that this isn't where I'd set the limit.
  
  I think it also depends on the kid.  Both of mine are pretty strong-willed and don't hesitate to stand up for themselves, so I probably err on the side of pushing sharing and consideration more than I feel the need to teach them to advocate for themselves.  They've got that down.  If I felt that they were letting other kids push them around, then maybe I would be more concerned. 
  
  But I also feel that there is a decline in civility, particularly in public, so I'm always looking for ways to counteract that.  No one was asking the kid to give away his toys, just to let other kids play with them with him, and take turns.  There are worse skills for a kid to practice, especially considering that he can go home in an hour and play with them the rest of the day, if he wants to. 
  
  In addition to the lack of civility, I feel like kids aren't as good at playing with other kids as they used to be, maybe because there are smaller families with fewer siblings, fewer extended families living near each other, a lot of kids are in organized activities and/or indoor play (Xbox, iPad, etc.) and don't spend as much time roaming in packs as they used to.  And I also feel that there is an attitude of "My kid shouldn't have to do anything he doesn't want to."  I think that's helpful, to a point.  (People have gotten so much better about respecting boundaries, for example.)  But I also think it's possible to go too far the other way.  They're going to have to grow up and work with other people, and it's a hard skill to learn from scratch when you're grown.    
  

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• 6fsn member

  

  April 2017

  I was starting to type, but Heffalump pretty much nails it.
  
  I can't think of a time we've taken a toy to a park because they're at a park!  Play with the things and the kids there.  My kids keep special things in their rooms and they are allowed privacy there.  They don't have to let anyone in (they usually do, but 6let is starting to want to be alone).  When I have Bible Study here they know to put things up they don't want played with.  I do love when Max comes home and gets excited to see what toys the liked that day.

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• MissKittyDanger member

  

  April 2017

  @Heffalump  @6fsn  You both make excellent points. I mean if you're going to the park to specifically spend time with someone, don't bring toys you don't want to share.
  I think this article was more for the kids who aren't at the park for play dates. Not having to share with kids they don't know kind of deal.
  

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• levioosa member

  

  April 2017

  
  

  Heffalump said:

  
  

  I'm of two minds, honestly.
  
  No, of course I don't think a kid should have to share anything and everything.  We have this rule at home.  It's okay to have certain things that are special to you, and not for sharing.  It just can't be everything under the sun.  And if it's a thing that you don't want to share, then you need to put it away when your friends come over.  That's just good manners. 
  
  I also think that if you are taking something out into the public world, a bit of sharing isn't unreasonable.  A playdate at the park is tricky, because the line between specifically playing with your friend and playing with a bunch of random kids is much blurrier than if you were at someone's house. 
  
  Some of this seems to be specific baggage on the mom's part, like she's really concerned that sharing toys means that her kid is going to be pushed around all his life, and I think it's a false equivalency.  You can teach kids to be generous within limits, though I would argue that this isn't where I'd set the limit.
  
  I think it also depends on the kid.  Both of mine are pretty strong-willed and don't hesitate to stand up for themselves, so I probably err on the side of pushing sharing and consideration more than I feel the need to teach them to advocate for themselves.  They've got that down.  If I felt that they were letting other kids push them around, then maybe I would be more concerned. 
  
  But I also feel that there is a decline in civility, particularly in public, so I'm always looking for ways to counteract that.  No one was asking the kid to give away his toys, just to let other kids play with them with him, and take turns.  There are worse skills for a kid to practice, especially considering that he can go home in an hour and play with them the rest of the day, if he wants to. 
  
  In addition to the lack of civility, I feel like kids aren't as good at playing with other kids as they used to be, maybe because there are smaller families with fewer siblings, fewer extended families living near each other, a lot of kids are in organized activities and/or indoor play (Xbox, iPad, etc.) and don't spend as much time roaming in packs as they used to.  And I also feel that there is an attitude of "My kid shouldn't have to do anything he doesn't want to."  I think that's helpful, to a point.  (People have gotten so much better about respecting boundaries, for example.)  But I also think it's possible to go too far the other way.  They're going to have to grow up and work with other people, and it's a hard skill to learn from scratch when you're grown.    
  

  
  

  
  Yes. All of this.
  
  I was a stubborn child. I've never had a problem saying no. So as a kid, yeah, my mom forced me to share (mostly with my brother--I was pretty good with friends). I don't think this is quite the same as bodily autonomy with saying no to hugs, but there's a middle ground here and the article seems like the mom is overreacting just a tad to perceived situations. 

  
  

  
  

  

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