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Use your words, with everyone.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,
I’m (over)due with my second child and I am not looking forward to the “help” that will come when she is born. When my son was born, my in-laws came for a week. They helped by holding my son, soothing my son, playing with him—all the things I wanted to do. To be fair, they also cooked and cleaned a bit, but I had no idea how to tell them to let us bond. My in-laws are coming again this time around, from what I understand. My husband insists they are helpful, but all I feel is that they are intrusive and disrespectful of my boundaries. My own family is popping in too, for just a few days, but I have no qualms about telling them where to stick it if they overstep! How do I manage my husband wanting his parents and my intense need to not deal with them?

—Bug Off With New Baby
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Re: Use your words, with everyone.

  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    This is a husband problem more than an IL issue.  So she needs to be firm with her husband regarding her expectations while her IL's are there, she also needs to not give in if MIL presses, and LW should just take the baby and leave the room if she needs to decompress and bond with the baby.  

    I understand where LW is coming from because in the early days with DefConn, I had issues speaking up to my IL's (and H) sometimes about needing space. We saw them way more than I wanted to while I was on maternity leave.  I will say that if MIL was at my house, shit was getting done though (and they weren't staying for days on end either).  
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  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Yea, she needs to talk to H first because when and for how long people stay needs to be a joint decision. I also liked how Prudie pointed out in her response that so far, the in-laws are not disrespecting her boundaries because boundaries do not appear to have been set. They seem to have no idea what they're doing isn't working for the LW, and they can't really be faulted for that. They have cooked and cleaned as well as helped with the baby and probably think they're doing all the right things. I can't tell you how many times I've heard or read about new moms who just need someone to come over and hold and entertain the baby so they can take a nap or a shower or something. They probably justifiably think holding the baby is a help. 

    Once again, a Prudie letter that could be answered with "Use your words."
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer

    mrsconn23 said:



    charlotte989875 said:


    The fact that the decision to all the in-laws to come wasn't a join one is the biggest problem; not the in-laws. 




    This, but also...I can see how her H thought he would be 'helpful' by arranging this so she 'didn't have to worry' about it.  If LW has never communicated to her H how she felt about their visit after the birth of their first child, then how could he know? I'm sure he's like, "Yeah, mom and dad came last time and made us a few dinners and ran some laundry.  It was nice and helpful."  LW didn't see it that way.  

    Again, using words would avoid so many of these 'conundrums'. 


    Right! My H thinks his mom is so helpful with the kids, to the point that he's mentioned moving her in with us, but he doesn't realize that he only made it out of infancy because of his grandmother. @southernbelle0915's script is perfect.
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Agreed that this is a husband issue moreso than an IL issue. It doesn't sound like the ILs did anything unreasonable as new grandparents. 

    She's a bit late for this, but she could do what I did and move across the country before the baby is born. 

    I initially got KU when we were living in PA, 2.5 miles from ILs. We knew we were moving to TX, so it became a non-issue, but i told him well in advance of getting KU that I didn't want his parents at the hospital when we had kids. I like my ILs, and I know they would be excited and helpful, but I also wanted peace and space to deal with pushing a human being out of my vagina (or having a human being cut out of my uterus) , and all of the associated recovery, bonding, breastfeeding struggles, etc.  He was fully supportive of whatever I wanted and told me he would set the boundaries (like not even calling them until the baby was born). Told him same went for my parents who were ~300 miles from us - they could visit after we got home, but let me get settled first. 

    So instead of that, we moved to TX, i got preeclampsia, got induced at 33W6D, and had an emergency c-section after 30 hours of labor hell. Wolverine spent 12 days in the NICU, and my parents didn't visit until she was 2.5 months old, and ILs visited when she was ~4months old. 

    My mom said she felt guilty not coming down to help out right after I had Wolverine - but with DK still job hunting, he was home to help me get around/to the NICU, bond with our daughter, and take care of the house. 

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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Other than like others said, have serious convo with her H - LW could learn from last time.
    @southernbelle0915  said it perfectly. If they're there, might as well have them actually help.


    Tbh I think it's a tad rude of the ILs to just assume the new mother wouldn't want to hold her child.
    It's one thing to offer, it's another to take.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    MissKittyDanger said:



    Tbh I think it's a tad rude of the ILs to just assume the new mother wouldn't want to hold her child.
    It's one thing to offer, it's another to take.


    After I had DefConn and was in the midst of the postpartum weepies and a whole heap of self-doubt brought on by exhaustion and wildly swinging emotions, I definitely remember being really upset about having to share him with other people and how I wished I could be pregnant again so he was all mine for a little bit longer.  

    This is why I don't hog babies and as soon as a mother wants her child back, I hand them over.   Also, newborns are boring and sleep a lot...and dead weight gets heavy even at 5lbs.  ;)  
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2017


    banana468 said:


    This isn't a boundary issue with the in-laws until the husband agrees with her.   Right now her husband needs to understand how his wife feels first and to see if they can be on the same page.   Don't blame the MIL for everything if the hubby does nothing. 




    Don't blame the MIL or the Hubby if the OP has never opened her mouth and said, "Thanks MIL, but I'm going to bond with my son right now."

    ETA: Or hasn't opened her mouth and said, "Hey Hubby, you need to slow your roll!  Don't invite ppl to stay with us for extended periods of time, especially right after I've given birth, w/o us discussing it 1st.  I personally don't want either set of parents staying in the house with us this time, and I'd really like more bonding time with the baby this time."

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    mrsconn23 said:



    MissKittyDanger said:




    Tbh I think it's a tad rude of the ILs to just assume the new mother wouldn't want to hold her child.
    It's one thing to offer, it's another to take.




    After I had DefConn and was in the midst of the postpartum weepies and a whole heap of self-doubt brought on by exhaustion and wildly swinging emotions, I definitely remember being really upset about having to share him with other people and how I wished I could be pregnant again so he was all mine for a little bit longer.  

    This is why I don't hog babies and as soon as a mother wants her child back, I hand them over.   Also, newborns are boring and sleep a lot...and dead weight gets heavy even at 5lbs.  ;)  


    That's kinda what I was thinking. I mean not just trying to bond, but let's just take the child away from the mother who is dealing with enough after birthing them ...

    Any weight + no sleep = not good {especially for me lol jello arms!}
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2017


    *Barbie* said:

    Ww1fe had a story about this... 




    FOUND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    PART ONE
    First, good mertin.

    Second, if I'm not pregnant now, it won't be for lack of trying.

    :: icing my ladyparts::

    Third, we went to see SIL's baby on Friday. I don't have any pics 'cause it was like it didn't happen. We were there for 2 hours and MIL would not let go of that baby. She was clasped all to her chest almost the entire time. The only moment the child was free was when SIL fed her. And even then it took MIL 10 minutes to hand her over. SIL was sitting there, ready to pop out the teat, but MIL did NOT want to hand her over. Every time the baby made the smallest piece of a whimper, MIL would snatch her back. SIL was too tired to fight her, but BIL sort of made a small token protest. Eventually she got to feed her, but MIL was leaning over her throughout, and being all finger waggy and hover-y about it.

    I have another interesting tidbit about the baby that I have to put in another post, 'cause I'll need to DD it.

    The best part of the night was when MIL retold SIL's birthing horror. Not only did she pewp the table, apparently she peed while pushing and it shot over the doctor's shoulder and hit a nurse in the chest.

    DH looked absolutely horrified when he heard that, but then he busted out laughing. As did I. MIL didn't think it was funny and SIL was still so doped up on pain meds she didn't know what was going on. We left soon after that, once we realized we weren't getting any quality baby time.

    PART TWO
    DH doesn't hold babies until they get up to 10 pounds. He loves them, don't get me wrong, but, I dunno, I guess he thinks he's crush them with his superhuman strength or something.

    Sunday we went to the hospital to visit Baby #7. As usual, I held her while DH tickled her feet. I leaned like I was going to hand her to him and he vigorously shook his head No.

    After we left the hospital, we went out to SIL's to visit my little Izzy. We haven't seen her since she was born, and you remember how that went. MIL had her hermtically sealed to her chest the entire time. Whatever. We got to the house and BIL answered the door. We came in and sure enough, there sat MIL with Izzy clamped in her arms. SIL was upstairs. DH plopped down in front of the TV; I wandered over to MIL to get a look at the kid, but MIL had her wrapped all to be damned. She only had her face out 'cause MIL was feeding her. I hovered for a moment, but you can guess how effective that was. So I grabbed a magazine and sat in the TV room with the boys.

    SIL came down a little later and we chatted for a minute. Then she & BIL started talking about how they went to a movie Friday night, and had we seen Eagle Eye yet. DH & I both blinked like hell and said, ah, no... and how the hell did y'all get to a movie? MIL piped up that she'd watched Izzy.

    Please note, Izzy is about 2.5 weeks old. That seems mad early to have baby burnout but who am I to judge? Yet judge I did.

    Anyway, MIL got up and walked over to where DH & I were sitting. She leaned down to us and I thought she was going to finally give the child to me, but no. She was merely showing her to us. It was like, "Oooh, look, here's your auntie, she wants to hold you but PSYCH!!" Then she walked into the kitchen with her.

    At this point, DH popped up off the couch and followed MIL to the kitchen. He walked right up on her and said, "Here, give me the child." MIL started sputtering about how she wasn't done eating yet, but DH was steadily easing Izzy out of MIL's arms. He said, "I know how to feed a baby. Give her to me." And damn if she didn't hand her over with bottle and burpy towel thing. MIL looked like she just got her purse snatched. Ha! She was standing there with her mouth open as DH walked away.

    DH brought Izzy back to the couch, fed her and burped her. Then he rocked her a little bit until she started to fall asleep. He gave her to me and said, "Here. Get some quality time." I was like, um, thanks but who are you and what have you done with my husband? But I quietly took her and had newborn quality time. She fell asleep on my shoulder and it was glorious. MIL tried to snatch her back but SIL told her to stop or she'd wake Izzy up. With that, MIL gathered her belongings and announced that she was heading home. Everyone was like kthxbai and then went back to whatever we were talking about before. She took another half hour to actually leave, but she finally did.

    We left a few hours later. When we got to the car I said, "Ok, what was that? Izzy ain't but 8 pounds now! What happened to the 10 pound rule?" He said if he didn't step in, MIL would never have let go of that baby. He wasn't going to waste a 45 drive on watching the top of her head.

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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer

    *Barbie* said:



    MissKittyDanger said:


    Other than like others said, have serious convo with her H - LW could learn from last time.
    @southernbelle0915  said it perfectly. If they're there, might as well have them actually help.


    Tbh I think it's a tad rude of the ILs to just assume the new mother wouldn't want to hold her child.
    It's one thing to offer, it's another to take.




    yeah, but the LW didn't say that they "took the child" - just that they held, soothed, and played with him - all of which seems reasonable for new grandparents to do with a baby - especially if one of the parents isn't all "GIVE ME BACK MY DAMN BABY"

    admittedly, my baby experience is limitied, but are you not supposed to do these things? it's not like the ILs whipped out a boob to soothe the kid or something... 

    Ww1fe had a story about this... 


    They probably didn't forcefully remove the child from her arms, but after I've pushed a baby out of my body, it's not helpful to just hold the baby. It's helpful to clean the kitchen, make some food, do some laundry, etc.
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I wish I had know wonderw1fe .... her MIL sounds bat shit!
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