Unknown daughter might want to know her father

mrsconn23 · May 2017

Dear Prudence,
My husband recently learned for the first time as the result of genetic testing that he has an 18-year old daughter. From what we’ve been able to gather, she was adopted as a baby and her biological mother identified a different father on her birth certificate. My husband has no idea who her mother is; he was not in a relationship during that time of his life and thinks it must have been a one-night stand. He was never contacted by the state she was born in or the adoption agency.

Now we’re not sure what to do. My husband replied courteously to his daughter’s email, providing a little background information and gently explaining that he can’t help identify her birth mother. He is not really interested in a relationship with her, but does not want to be cruel. We both assume it means a lot to her to have found him, although she said in her last message that she has a great life and is very happy. What should he do, and how can I help?

—Not Interested but Not Heartless

missJeanLouise · May 2017

This is tough. But I wouldn't stress too much until daughter expresses a want of a relationship. It all sounds fairly new so maybe it will just wrap itself up.

MissKittyDanger · May 2017

I would think opening lines of communication and see what happens would suffice.

That way they can see if a relationship works out.

levioosa · May 2017

I think his response was good. LW can just support him and any feelings he might have about the situation. I do think it is sensitive because this probably took the daughter awhile to investigate and find him. And, I'm a little confused about the whole birth mother thing. The daughter has to know who the birth mother is. She didn't just pull LW's husband's name out of a hat when the birth certificate said something different. She must have talked to bio-Mom who was like "well, it could be Bob Sanders instead."

missJeanLouise · May 2017

levioosa said:

I think his response was good. LW can just support him and any feelings he might have about the situation. I do think it is sensitive because this probably took the daughter awhile to investigate and find him. And, I'm a little confused about the whole birth mother thing. The daughter has to know who the birth mother is. She didn't just pull LW's husband's name out of a hat when the birth certificate said something different. She must have talked to bio-Mom who was like "well, it could be Bob Sanders instead."

Some of the genealogy testing places will help you connect with relatives. It is possible that husband got tested and she found him through that.

Heffalump · May 2017

That must be a shock. I would let the dust settle, and if the husband still doesn't want a relationship, then I think the bio daughter needs to respect that.

levioosa · May 2017

missJeanLouise said:

levioosa said:

I think his response was good. LW can just support him and any feelings he might have about the situation. I do think it is sensitive because this probably took the daughter awhile to investigate and find him. And, I'm a little confused about the whole birth mother thing. The daughter has to know who the birth mother is. She didn't just pull LW's husband's name out of a hat when the birth certificate said something different. She must have talked to bio-Mom who was like "well, it could be Bob Sanders instead."

Some of the genealogy testing places will help you connect with relatives. It is possible that husband got tested and she found him through that.

Huh. Interesting.

charlotte989875 · May 2017

I think the response was good and now leave it up to the young woman to make the next move. She may not be looking for a relationship, may just want family/medical history, may just be curious. Let her lead and decide how you want to respond if/when she does.

short+sassy · May 2017

My H's bio-mom put all four of her sons up for adoption when she left her abusive husband. My H was the youngest at only 2. He was in foster care (same family) for a couple years and adopted at 4. One of his brothers found him years ago. Neither my H nor the brother he knows have ever been able to find the other two. Through this brother, my H found out who is bio-mom and bio-dad are. The bio-dad was already passed. But my H got in touch with his bio-mom. Also years ago.

From what my H says, while it was exciting at the time to get in touch with her and meet her a few times, it wasn't the pivotal and humongous moment that TV/movies likes to make it out to be. I suppose it could be, but it wasn't for them. It was nice. They occasionally keep in touch. But it wasn't like meeting her was going to change the life he had or person he had become.

His brother refused to and never contacted the bio-mom. He was 6 when she gave him up for adoption. Unlike my H who was too young. He remembers her from his childhood. He remembers the feelings of abandonment.

One of my H's cousins was also adopted. She found her bio-mom at the age of 17. It did not go well and was heartbreaking for her. Her mom acknowledged the letter and wrote back. Gave a little bit of info on their story and some medical information. But closed the letter that she was not interested in having a relationship and did not want to be contacted again. Which, of course was her right, but the cousin felt like she'd been rejected twice.

Those are some long stories to say. I think the LW's H shouldn't rush to if he wants a relationship or not with this young woman. I'm sure this has been shocking news! If the daughter would like to explore a relationship with him, which would be my assumption also, I definitely don't think he is obligated to do that. I'd just hope his heart stays in the right place and he is sensitive to her feelings. Perhaps leave the door open for very occasional contact, ie e-mail, if that wouldn't upset him to do.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2017

levioosa said:

missJeanLouise said:

Some of the genealogy testing places will help you connect with relatives. It is possible that husband got tested and she found him through that.

Huh. Interesting.

Yeah, that seems unethical to me, and just another reason why I find these commercial genealogy places a bit shady and dangerous.

So LW's hubby was trying to do that Ancestry.com crap and they happened to keep his genetic and medical info on file so that when mystery daughter was trying to find her bio dad they ran her DNA against his- and a pool of many others- without any of their consent?

Shady.

And if that's not what happened then I'm really confused.

"My husband recently learned for the first time as the result of genetic testing that he has an 18-year old daughter."

Like, huh? How does that work exactly? Who was having the genetic testing and why? How did that lead him to be connected to a daughter he never knew existed?

As a molecular biologist I really want more details, lol.

southernbelle0915 · May 2017

@short+sassy - that's a really interesting story about your H's bio-family.

Obviously I'm only looking at it through my experience's lens, but I can't imagine how hard/heartbreaking it must have been for bio-mom to give up FOUR children...like older children, not babies...for adoption. And heartbreaking for the kids too. Ugh. It just makes me want to cry.

short+sassy · May 2017

southernbelle0915 said:

@short+sassy - that's a really interesting story about your H's bio-family.

Obviously I'm only looking at it through my experience's lens, but I can't imagine how hard/heartbreaking it must have been for bio-mom to give up FOUR children...like older children, not babies...for adoption. And heartbreaking for the kids too. Ugh. It just makes me want to cry.

I agree. I couldn't imagine the desperation of that choice. My H is originally from Oregon and he was born in a rough, remote logging town. The town actually no longer exists. His bio-mom was a young teenager when she got married. Didn't finish high school. Had never had a job. Had never left the state and was all around still young and very inexperienced when she left her husband.

And this would have been back in the mid '60s. I'm not sure what kind of social programs would have been around to help her back then. So, while I can understand her decision, I can also understand the deep resentment of her older bio son.

One of the sad things for my H, that I really never though about in terms of adoption until I met him, is he has no idea what he looked like as a baby or even a toddler. His youngest photos he's seen were after he was adopted at 4. I think about the overflowing albums of photos my mom has. I can see what I looked as a baby...by the month or even week! What I looked like as a toddler and can already recognize some of the features I have as an adult. He has none of that.

According to his bio-mom, there were baby pictures that she turned over to the adoption agency along with some of his toys. They were supposed to follow him wherever he was placed, but obviously didn't and I'm sure were long ago lost to time.

missJeanLouise · May 2017

PrettyGirlLost said:

levioosa said:

missJeanLouise said:

Some of the genealogy testing places will help you connect with relatives. It is possible that husband got tested and she found him through that.

Huh. Interesting.

Yeah, that seems unethical to me, and just another reason why I find these commercial genealogy places a bit shady and dangerous.

So LW's hubby was trying to do that Ancestry.com crap and they happened to keep his genetic and medical info on file so that when mystery daughter was trying to find her bio dad they ran her DNA against his- and a pool of many others- without any of their consent?

Shady.

And if that's not what happened then I'm really confused.

"My husband recently learned for the first time as the result of genetic testing that he has an 18-year old daughter."

Like, huh? How does that work exactly? Who was having the genetic testing and why? How did that lead him to be connected to a daughter he never knew existed?

As a molecular biologist I really want more details, lol.

Pretty sure it is an optional box you check. But all of this is second hand info from a former co-worker. Ancestry.com Absolutely keeps all of the information though and (I can't remember if it was that one or a different one but) I am pretty sure it is run by the LDS church which has a crazy fascination with genealogy.

Unknown daughter might want to know her father

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