MOH trouble

CulyeenRN · June 2017

So I'm in my friend's wedding as a Matron of Honor along with my friend "Emily's" sister "Alice." There are two other bridesmaids and one other maid of honor. Surprisingly this post is not about difficulty with 3 MOH. Currently myself and the other bridesmaids mesh really well and are all so excited for our friend. The only kink in the chain is Alice.
The wedding is June 2018 and although it may seem early to talk about dresses and shoes Emily is in grad school and wants to get things done in advance. She has graciously given us 6 dresses to choose from and has made sure at least one style will be flattering for each girl. The initial response to these dress choices was delight from all except Alice. She told Emily that the dress choices were horrible and that Emily was trying to make her look ugly. After this incident Emily had a talk with Alice and their mother and everything seemed to be smoothed over.

Then today I posted on our Facebook group that Emily wanted us to wear mint green flats and if they saw any cute ones to post pictures in the comments. Immediately Alice commented "I'll talk to her since I'm more comfortable in heels. (Because she has flat feet)" So not wanting her to bother Emily I explained that heels weren't practical for a wedding on a lawn and suggested using podiatric insoles. Her response was "Thanks for the advice I'll discuss this with her, the wedding is literally more than a year away"

Later in the day Emily told me that again Alice had complained and said she had to look good if she was to be in the wedding and trout Emily was trying to Mather look bad. I've told all the other ladies in the bridal party to ignore this behavior and to continue to go along with Emily's wishes for her big day. I'm not sure what else I could do to help my friend work with her sister in as stress free a way as possible. We're a year a way and I foresee worse behavior on Alice's part as the we'd draws near.

JediElizabeth · June 2017

CulyeenRN said:

So I'm in my friend's wedding as a Matron of Honor along with my friend "Emily's" sister "Alice." There are two other bridesmaids and one other maid of honor. Surprisingly this post is not about difficulty with 3 MOH. Currently myself and the other bridesmaids mesh really well and are all so excited for our friend. The only kink in the chain is Alice.

The wedding is June 2018 and although it may seem early to talk about dresses and shoes Emily is in grad school and wants to get things done in advance. She has graciously given us 6 dresses to choose from and has made sure at least one style will be flattering for each girl. The initial response to these dress choices was delight from all except Alice. She told Emily that the dress choices were horrible and that Emily was trying to make her look ugly. After this incident Emily had a talk with Alice and their mother and everything seemed to be smoothed over.

Then today I posted on our Facebook group that Emily wanted us to wear mint green flats and if they saw any cute ones to post pictures in the comments. Immediately Alice commented "I'll talk to her since I'm more comfortable in heels. (Because she has flat feet)" So not wanting her to bother Emily I explained that heels weren't practical for a wedding on a lawn and suggested using podiatric insoles. Her response was "Thanks for the advice I'll discuss this with her, the wedding is literally more than a year away"

Later in the day Emily told me that again Alice had complained and said she had to look good if she was to be in the wedding and trout Emily was trying to Mather look bad. I've told all the other ladies in the bridal party to ignore this behavior and to continue to go along with Emily's wishes for her big day. I'm not sure what else I could do to help my friend work with her sister in as stress free a way as possible. We're a year a way and I foresee worse behavior on Alice's part as the we'd draws near.

I think you're making more out of this than you need to. Alice is Emily's sister. You're Emily's friend. You two don't have to get along, you just need to get through the wedding together and (I assume) plan a bachelorette and a shower with the group (or whoever wants to help with that...it's not an obligation).

I have a difficult sister. I asked her and my best friend to be my MOHs. There was a lot of drama, and by the end of it, she decided not to be in the wedding party although she was a guest at the wedding and was at the shower, getting ready beforehand, etc. My MOH was wonderful because she (a) kept a smile on her face and deflected any issues with my sister to myself or my mother, and (b) ran interference if my sister was being difficult with other friends/bridal party members until she could get myself or my mother involved. It was MUCH less stressful for me that way, because my mom & I could diffuse situations that anyone else would make worse. It sounds the same for Emily.

I'm going to go ahead and assume the same thing is happening here. Yes, allowing Emily to deal with Alice will cause her more stress - stress that Alice can be blamed for, and for which you can be a friendly ear to vent to if you want to help. If you try to get in the middle, though, you're likely to make it worse, make Emily more stressed out, and that's going to be on you.

Instead, just be a friend. You may want to ask Emily how she'd like you do deal with Alice. And then listen to her when she tells you, because she probably knows the best way to handle the situation.

MobKaz · June 2017

I have to go with Alice on this one. Emily should barely have chosen her wedding party this far out, let alone make dress and shoe selections.

If Emily is going to insist on a specific shoe, then Emily needs to pay for the shoes. More than a year out and this much micromanaging, I foresee much more and worse behavior from Emily.

lovesclimbing · June 2017

I agree with @mobkaz.

I think you should just stay out of it. This is the bride's sister you're talking about. She should be free to talk to her sister whenever she wants about anything. The bride can then respond however she wants. And the bride should NOT be pulling you into the drama. Alice has six dress choices, and Emily can just tell her to suck it up and pick one. (Hopefully, Emily asked for budgets and the dresses are within the lowest budget provided.)

As for the shoes, I hope Emily is paying for them because mint flats is a very specific shoe choice. If she's paying for hem, Emily has the right to dictate shoes, but honestly, I'm on Alice's side. I think shoes should allowed how the person wearing them wants them. I don't like the way my legs look when I'm wearing a skirt and flats.

MesmrEwe · June 2017

Have a talk with Emily about being flexible on the details - for example, allowing each of you to choose the same fabric/color/designer but individual style of dress to fit your personalities/budgets instead of matching as well as shoes that make your feet the most comfortable standing on the lawn for the ceremony and reception. It'll make everyone happy and Alice won't have to micromanage the rest of you and turn this wedding into hers instead of Emily's.

MesmrEwe · June 2017

Just adding: "Team choose your own gosh darn shoes!" (I have super hard to fit long wide skis for feet, it's a nightmare to find comfortable shoes and I have toe issues so tight isn't an option)

LondonLisa · June 2017

You are far to invested in this than you need to be. Emily and Alice have their own relationship independent of you. Why do you need to insert yourself in their issue? If Emily comes to you just say 'That's stressful, but I think you should talk to Alice directly about this'.

I actually kind of agree with a lot of her complaints. It is way to far out to pick dresses. If she is requiring a certain shoe, the bride should pay for these. I am wondering if everything you are hearing is through Emily's perspective.

Also, I immediately side eye a bride that goes to her mother to speak to her sister to 'smooth things over'. This sounds like drama central.

charlotte989875 · June 2017

They are sisters let them work it out. The best way to be a good friend is to stay out of the drama.

STARMOON44 · June 2017

The wedding is over a year away. You don't need matching shoes. Just chill.

Heffalump · June 2017

OP, I agree with the others: this is so not your circus, nor your monkeys. I've seen enough sister fights to know not to get in the middle of one.

It's not your business to mediate shoe disagreements between Alice and Emily. You can be a good friend to Emily by listening if she wants to vent about Alice. But you're not the nanny, and it's not your job to make sure they play nicely together.

I also agree that Emily's cart is way before the horse here, so it's not like Alice is totally off base with some of these comments.

aurianna · June 2017

Alice is being required to buy shoes that she finds uncomfortable in a color that likely does not match anything else she owns.
Yeah. I wouldn't be pleased either.

Don't get in the middle of this one, but for the record, Alice is right to be annoyed about the shoe demands.

levioosa · June 2017

Stay out of this. By inserting yourself into the middle of the drama you're creating way more trouble for yourself than you need to.

MairePoppy · June 2017

Stay out of it. Alice and Emily are sisters and have a lifetime of experience dealing with each other.

The bride is honoring you with the MOH title because you are her best friend. The MOH is not the supervisor of the other bms or the liaison between the bride and bm.

banana468 · June 2017

Another one for stay out of it. This is a sibling matter. Not your circus - not your monkeys.

I also think the bride here is kind of asking for trouble by starting things so early. In one year you can get pregnant and actually HAVE the child. It's way too early to pick a dress. There isn't enough detail to know whether or not the sister is also difficult but I don't think the bride is doing herself any favors here.
A few words of advice:
-Giving dress options are great. But first listen to the tastes and budgets of the bridesmaids. If they haven't been bridesmaids before and you're picking BM dresses (that will need alterations), take the alterations into account when you're looking for a dress. A BM that can afford a $150 dress in total shouldn't have to buy a $150 dress knowing that alterations can add up. The bride has time. She can shop until the end of the summer and STILL it's not too late to order.

-Please don't dictate shoes down to a relatively unpopular color. Nudes, black, brown and metallics are versatile. If the bride wants a specific color then the expense for such a shoe should come out of the bride's pocket.

Low expectations in general is kind of the key to happiness. As a bride or MOH, don't enter into the wedding planning like there's a master checklist of all things bridal that you've seen and therefore must do. When expectations are low, people have a tendency to be far happier.

downtondiva · June 2017

Sorry, but I have to side with Alice on the shoe issue. First off, I think it's a lot to ask someone to buy shoes in such an obscure color. Second of all, as someone who has dealt with foot problems my entire life, I really think it's much better to let people decide on their own what type of shoes to wear. There are very few shoes I'm comfortable in all day, but I know what I can manage in and what I can't. I would resent it like hell if someone was forcing me to wear something I knew I couldn't be comfortable in for more than an hour.

It sounds to me like there may be some underlying issues between Emily and Alice. I'm sure you meant well by trying to mediate, but from now on, you need to stay out of it, whether it's shoes or something else. Emily chose to have her sister in the wedding party, and she needs to be the one to deal with it when Alice gives her a hard time. It's not your job to fix things between them.

MOH trouble

Re: MOH trouble

Choose Another Board

Search Boards