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Ask to meet for coffee? Via text, of course.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I'm in my mid-20s and consistently annoyed by the way many people my age approach conflict. Over the past few years, I’ve had co-workers and friends initiate disagreements by text message or email. I hate having difficult conversations remotely. It’s stressful, and you lose all sense of body language, facial expressions, and tone. How are you supposed to resolve anything when you’re missing all that information?

A friend of mine from college, “Mariana,” is wonderful but a bit sensitive, and frequently gets upset at perceived slights. She has twice in the past three months tried to initiate difficult conversations over text and email. I have told her I don’t like that,  and tried to transition the conversation to in-person. Today, she texted me about another way in which I’ve recently let her down. Should I tell her outright that I don’t discuss things like that via text? Or, since she is the one who is hurt, should I use her preferred method of communication? I'm torn over whether to prioritize her comfort or mine.

–Fighting in the Digital Age

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Re: Ask to meet for coffee? Via text, of course.

  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I'm confused, what's the actual question?

    She's your friend.  Do you not hang out with your friends?  Set up a day to hang out and while together, approach the conversation!  This really isn't that difficult.
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  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
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    This person exhausts me. I am surprised she has any friends (kidding). But seriously, friend brings up issue and LW shuts it down instead of saying "I am sorry you feel that way. Are you free tonight to talk about it?" If this person is so opposed to difficult conversations, you would think they would already have a system in place. 
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Honestly, I get both sides.

    Discussion via text - It helps you think before you type. Get clarity on words before responding to the other person. Ensures you're not talking over each other and keeps emotions {anger, hurt, etc} at bay. I'm an emotional person, so when I get upset or happy, I start to cry. {as to which I always joke that when I'm mad, I'm crying because I can't kill you ...}

    Discussion in person - Any discussion in person is always best. Sometimes them seeing you notably upset helps the person realize they did something wrong.
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  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I mean, I kind of can't stand in-person important discussions. I far prefer to organize my thoughts through writing and taking my time in responding to anything the other person has to say. 

    But. I'm a crazy introverted unicorn person, so. I recognize that there are instances where other people *need* to have a face-to-face, and I'm willing to do that for them. (I also don't tell people I'm upset until I've had enough time to determine whether that's rational or not, but again, unicorn.) 

    LW needs to just tell friend flat-out that she needs to do this in person. Can Friend accommodate that? And then decide if it's worth keeping the friendship if Friend can't, but still insists on minute-to-minute updates about her feel-feels. (I'm not liking Friend, can you tell?) 
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    baconsmom said:
    I mean, I kind of can't stand in-person important discussions. I far prefer to organize my thoughts through writing and taking my time in responding to anything the other person has to say. 

    But. I'm a crazy introverted unicorn person, so. I recognize that there are instances where other people *need* to have a face-to-face, and I'm willing to do that for them. (I also don't tell people I'm upset until I've had enough time to determine whether that's rational or not, but again, unicorn.) 
    1st paragraph - same. I've had best "hash out" conversations via text

    2nd paragraph - I'm considered an "outgoing introvert", so we may need to make a club :|
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Man, K does this text thing. I really don't like it.  BUT, I will do these things via text until [specific point in my mind that changes w/the conversation].  After that, I tell her this needs to be done in person.  I take it as far/long as I can via text for her, she will stop when I say it needs to be in person for me.  I know it's easier for her.

    I'd recommend LW to try the same.  She's obviously already at a point where she needs a face-to-face, so friend needs to step up and give in.

    Segue:  3 times in 3 months?  There's something else going on here.  That's a whole lotta misunderstandings and I'd either need to have the big "is this worth it" convo or ghost her already.
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  • Ro041Ro041 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If you have a friend who you have had difficult conversations with twice in the past three months and she is initiating a third difficult conversation - you need to let that friendship die.  Seriously - no friendship should have that much difficulty surrounding it.  

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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    missJeanLouise said:
    This person exhausts me. I am surprised she has any friends (kidding). But seriously, friend brings up issue and LW shuts it down instead of saying "I am sorry you feel that way. Are you free tonight to talk about it?" If this person is so opposed to difficult conversations, you would think they would already have a system in place. 

    This x10.  I'm confused why the LW couldn't figure that out for themselves.  Though I do feel them.  Hence why I might initially try to give a brief answer via text or e-mail.  But if it starts going nowhere fast or I feel that is what will happen.  Then, yeah, I suggest meeting in person.

    To me, text messages are strictly for short, to the point, information.  Like, "Just checked in.  Where r u?"  Yet again in life, I find myself in the minority and am just baffled by what the masses like, lol.  I don't understand how people enjoy having long-a** conversations, via text message.  So hateful.  So time consuming.

    E-mails I like, but there is a lot of missed or potentially misunderstood communication with just the written word.

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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Video chat?

    But seriously this isn't that hard. "Let's meet for dinner", "Let's meet for coffee", "Stop by on your way home from work", "Lets catch that art/music/food/beer/cat festival this weekend and we can chat about this then". 
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    southernbelle0915 said:
    Some people are better able to express themselves in writing - maybe Mariana is one of them, so texting for her lets her feel more heard....or something.

    Anyway. This is going to sound really cold, but I can't stand people who are super sensitive and taking everything as perceived slights. It is draining to be in relationships with them. I am way too fucking busy with life and actual issues to answer a text message that says something like "when you were over the other day and you went to the bathroom, was it because you were mad at me?" or "were you 5 minutes late because you're punishing me for being late the other day?" omggggggg....
    Image result for eye roll gif
    I'm literally in this right now. I have a very sensitive friend who is mad at me. The thing she is mad about is small, I apologized, took responsibility, and moved on. She is still upset. It's such a dumb thing to be upset over, and I'm not going to beg and cry to make her feel better. Same friend also does all of the things you mentioned. "What did you mean when you said x thing the other day????" It's constant and exhausting. So I haven't made any other effort to additionally "fix" if. I have way more important things going on in life. I don't have time to carefully watch every single little thing I say and text. 


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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    levioosa said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    Some people are better able to express themselves in writing - maybe Mariana is one of them, so texting for her lets her feel more heard....or something.

    Anyway. This is going to sound really cold, but I can't stand people who are super sensitive and taking everything as perceived slights. It is draining to be in relationships with them. I am way too fucking busy with life and actual issues to answer a text message that says something like "when you were over the other day and you went to the bathroom, was it because you were mad at me?" or "were you 5 minutes late because you're punishing me for being late the other day?" omggggggg....
    Image result for eye roll gif
    I'm literally in this right now. I have a very sensitive friend who is mad at me. The thing she is mad about is small, I apologized, took responsibility, and moved on. She is still upset. It's such a dumb thing to be upset over, and I'm not going to beg and cry to make her feel better. Same friend also does all of the things you mentioned. "What did you mean when you said x thing the other day????" It's constant and exhausting. So I haven't made any other effort to additionally "fix" if. I have way more important things going on in life. I don't have time to carefully watch every single little thing I say and text. 
    Exactly! And life only gets busier/more complicated. In my experience, these are the same people who are gossipy too. It's like they're bored without some kind of (non) drama to fill their time, thoughts, and conversation. No thanks!

    Solid, low-maintenance friendships that make you happy and relaxed.....man, there is nothing better!
    *********************************************************************************

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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    southernbelle0915 said:

    Anyway. This is going to sound really cold, but I can't stand people who are super sensitive and taking everything as perceived slights. It is draining to be in relationships with them. I am way too fucking busy with life and actual issues to answer a text message that says something like "when you were over the other day and you went to the bathroom, was it because you were mad at me?" or "were you 5 minutes late because you're punishing me for being late the other day?" omggggggg....
    Image result for eye roll gif
    Same. I have no patience for that. 
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