In what world should LW be responsible for comforting this girl?

mrsconn23 · November 2017

Dear Prudence, 

I live in a close-knit neighborhood. In October, my neighbor’s 16-year-old daughter ran over my family’s beloved cat. She was driving irresponsibly and texting, and she was horrified by what she’d done. I have tried not hating her, and I’ve tried telling myself that there’s always a risk that a cat allowed outdoors will be hit by a car. But I’m angry, and the best thing for me now is to keep my distance from the girl and her family. The parents won’t back off, though. Their daughter is traumatized, and they want me to comfort her. I don’t have that in me. I think this girl is lucky she didn’t strike and kill a person. Is it awful of me to not want to alleviate her emotional turmoil by speaking kindly to her? 

—Cat Killer

levioosa · November 2017

Wtf.

MissKittyDanger · November 2017

I would tell neighbours that I'm personally upset and not the right person to comfort their daughter, considering she is the reason I'm upset.

Which LW has every reason to be upset.

banana468 · November 2017

"It's your job to comfort your child while I comfort myself that she killed a living breathing creature due to her failure to be responsible."

southernbelle0915 · November 2017

Well this is a speshul snowflake in the making, isn't it? "Comfort our daughter because, in her reckless behavior, she murdered your cat..."

Let this bitch face the music. If I were her parents, I'd be taking away her phone AND her car and hammering it into her head that she's lucky it was a cat and not a kid chasing their ball. JFC.

mrsconn23 · November 2017

Instead of wanting LW to make amends with the daughter, the parents should be teaching her how to atone for her sins. Yes, taking the car and phone away would be a start...but volunteering at a shelter and/or making a donation of her own money could also go a long way.

And her being 'traumatized' is a *good* thing in this instance. It will help her to remember not to make the same mistake again. If it were me I'd be there for my kid, but lovingly help them understand that they made a mistake that had a grave result. They can get past it, but they also need to learn from it.

They are teaching her nothing by expecting her pain to be alleviated by the person she caused pain.

MissKittyDanger · November 2017

I'm rethinking about this - from neighbour's p.o.v - and I'm just wondering why the parents are telling their daughter to go comfort LW?

I would be doing that. Heartfelt apology and maybe something else - like baked goods - to show you are actually sorry.

short+sassy · November 2017

The girl's parents are outrageous, especially in adding to the LW's grief.

But, at the same time, I need to play a little devil's advocate. How does the LW know the accident was caused solely because the teen was driving irresponsibly? Is that what the girl said? Did they witness the accident?

If neither of those things happened, my money would be on the cat being a cat. And running out into the middle of the road, where even a careful driver might not have been able to avoid hitting the cat.

That's one of the reasons pet cats should be indoor cats, especially in an urban environment. That's why an indoor pet cat vs. an outdoor pet cat has double the life expectancy.

MissKittyDanger · November 2017

short+sassy said:

The girl's parents are outrageous, especially in adding to the LW's grief.
But, at the same time, I need to play a little devil's advocate. How does the LW know the accident was caused solely because the teen was driving irresponsibly? Is that what the girl said? Did they witness the accident?
If neither of those things happened, my money would be on the cat being a cat. And running out into the middle of the road, where even a careful driver might not have been able to avoid hitting the cat.
That's one of the reasons pet cats should be indoor cats, especially in an urban environment. That's why an indoor pet cat vs. an outdoor pet cat has double the life expectancy.

I'm thinking the daughter may have admitted she was on her phone.

short+sassy · November 2017

MissKittyDanger said:

short+sassy said:

The girl's parents are outrageous, especially in adding to the LW's grief.
But, at the same time, I need to play a little devil's advocate. How does the LW know the accident was caused solely because the teen was driving irresponsibly? Is that what the girl said? Did they witness the accident?
If neither of those things happened, my money would be on the cat being a cat. And running out into the middle of the road, where even a careful driver might not have been able to avoid hitting the cat.
That's one of the reasons pet cats should be indoor cats, especially in an urban environment. That's why an indoor pet cat vs. an outdoor pet cat has double the life expectancy.

I'm thinking the daughter may have admitted she was on her phone.

That's my suspicion, as well. But it was not actually said in the letter.

And, even then, the cat's family was still partially at fault. Because, had the cat not been where it shouldn't have been, the accident wouldn't have happened. A driver is doing nothing wrong, just driving down the road. That's what the road is for. However, a driver does have the responsibility to be undistracted and aware of their surroundings. Because pets/kids/pedestrians/bicyclists/other cars, also make mistakes and do dumb stuff ALL the time.

MissKittyDanger · November 2017

short+sassy said:

MissKittyDanger said:

short+sassy said:

The girl's parents are outrageous, especially in adding to the LW's grief.
But, at the same time, I need to play a little devil's advocate. How does the LW know the accident was caused solely because the teen was driving irresponsibly? Is that what the girl said? Did they witness the accident?
If neither of those things happened, my money would be on the cat being a cat. And running out into the middle of the road, where even a careful driver might not have been able to avoid hitting the cat.
That's one of the reasons pet cats should be indoor cats, especially in an urban environment. That's why an indoor pet cat vs. an outdoor pet cat has double the life expectancy.

I'm thinking the daughter may have admitted she was on her phone.

That's my suspicion, as well. But it was not actually said in the letter.
And, even then, the cat's family was still partially at fault. Because, had the cat not been where it shouldn't have been, the accident wouldn't have happened. A driver is doing nothing wrong, just driving down the road. That's what the road is for. However, a driver does have the responsibility to be undistracted and aware of their surroundings. Because pets/kids/pedestrians/bicyclists/other cars, also make mistakes and do dumb stuff ALL the time.

For sure, and LW mentioned they knew the risk of the cat being an outdoor cat but had the girl - or anyone - been paying attention, they could have swerved. Even if cat got hit, it could have reduced damages and had chance to live.
My aunt's cat is an outdoor one, and he got hit by a car and survived. It was a rough hit, but the vet figures the car swerved and cat got hit by the actual car and not tire.

ahoywedding · November 2017

Jeez louise, they are not setting this kid up for success later in life! When I was in college, I ran over a neighbor's bike that was parked in our driveway (he was hanging out at our house). I don't know how I didn't see it behind my car, but I backed over it and dragged it allllll the way down. It was actually repairable, but my parents made ME call local bike shops to get estimates for repairs, bring it to the shop, pay for the repairs and pick it up. The neighbor tried to play it off like it wasn't a big deal, but my parents were like "nope, she messed up, let her feel bad about it." I felt like an ass every time I saw that neighbor for YEARS.

ILoveBeachMusic · November 2017

MissKittyDanger said:

short+sassy said:

MissKittyDanger said:

short+sassy said:

The girl's parents are outrageous, especially in adding to the LW's grief.
But, at the same time, I need to play a little devil's advocate. How does the LW know the accident was caused solely because the teen was driving irresponsibly? Is that what the girl said? Did they witness the accident?
If neither of those things happened, my money would be on the cat being a cat. And running out into the middle of the road, where even a careful driver might not have been able to avoid hitting the cat.
That's one of the reasons pet cats should be indoor cats, especially in an urban environment. That's why an indoor pet cat vs. an outdoor pet cat has double the life expectancy.

I'm thinking the daughter may have admitted she was on her phone.

That's my suspicion, as well. But it was not actually said in the letter.
And, even then, the cat's family was still partially at fault. Because, had the cat not been where it shouldn't have been, the accident wouldn't have happened. A driver is doing nothing wrong, just driving down the road. That's what the road is for. However, a driver does have the responsibility to be undistracted and aware of their surroundings. Because pets/kids/pedestrians/bicyclists/other cars, also make mistakes and do dumb stuff ALL the time.

For sure, and LW mentioned they knew the risk of the cat being an outdoor cat but had the girl - or anyone - been paying attention, they could have swerved. Even if cat got hit, it could have reduced damages and had chance to live.
My aunt's cat is an outdoor one, and he got hit by a car and survived. It was a rough hit, but the vet figures the car swerved and cat got hit by the actual car and not tire.

Not necessarily. I was driving a car to work when I was a teenager (long before cell phones). A dog shot out and was run over by the rear wheels of my car. I couldn't have swerved and avoided it. Unfortunately the dog was killed. I stopped and spoke to the owner. The dog had run out of the door. I was devastated. It was an accident all around. The dog was an indoor dog that shot out the door and I wasn't distracted. No one was to blame.

southernbelle0915 · November 2017

ILoveBeachMusic said:

MissKittyDanger said:

short+sassy said:

MissKittyDanger said:

short+sassy said:

The girl's parents are outrageous, especially in adding to the LW's grief.
But, at the same time, I need to play a little devil's advocate. How does the LW know the accident was caused solely because the teen was driving irresponsibly? Is that what the girl said? Did they witness the accident?
If neither of those things happened, my money would be on the cat being a cat. And running out into the middle of the road, where even a careful driver might not have been able to avoid hitting the cat.
That's one of the reasons pet cats should be indoor cats, especially in an urban environment. That's why an indoor pet cat vs. an outdoor pet cat has double the life expectancy.

I'm thinking the daughter may have admitted she was on her phone.

That's my suspicion, as well. But it was not actually said in the letter.
And, even then, the cat's family was still partially at fault. Because, had the cat not been where it shouldn't have been, the accident wouldn't have happened. A driver is doing nothing wrong, just driving down the road. That's what the road is for. However, a driver does have the responsibility to be undistracted and aware of their surroundings. Because pets/kids/pedestrians/bicyclists/other cars, also make mistakes and do dumb stuff ALL the time.

For sure, and LW mentioned they knew the risk of the cat being an outdoor cat but had the girl - or anyone - been paying attention, they could have swerved. Even if cat got hit, it could have reduced damages and had chance to live.
My aunt's cat is an outdoor one, and he got hit by a car and survived. It was a rough hit, but the vet figures the car swerved and cat got hit by the actual car and not tire.

Not necessarily. I was driving a car to work when I was a teenager (long before cell phones). A dog shot out and was run over by the rear wheels of my car. I couldn't have swerved and avoided it. Unfortunately the dog was killed. I stopped and spoke to the owner. The dog had run out of the door. I was devastated. It was an accident all around. The dog was an indoor dog that shot out the door and I wasn't distracted. No one was to blame.

Ditto. I hit a squirrel once. It darted out in front of my car. I couldn't react fast enough to swerve even if I'd wanted to. And if I had swerved to miss the squirrel, I probably would have hit a car parked on the side of the street.

IMO, there are true, unavoidable accidents and then there are avoidable accidents that are a result of reckless or risky behavior. Like texting while driving.

MissKittyDanger · November 2017

ILoveBeachMusic said:

MissKittyDanger said:

short+sassy said:

MissKittyDanger said:

short+sassy said:

The girl's parents are outrageous, especially in adding to the LW's grief.
But, at the same time, I need to play a little devil's advocate. How does the LW know the accident was caused solely because the teen was driving irresponsibly? Is that what the girl said? Did they witness the accident?
If neither of those things happened, my money would be on the cat being a cat. And running out into the middle of the road, where even a careful driver might not have been able to avoid hitting the cat.
That's one of the reasons pet cats should be indoor cats, especially in an urban environment. That's why an indoor pet cat vs. an outdoor pet cat has double the life expectancy.

I'm thinking the daughter may have admitted she was on her phone.

That's my suspicion, as well. But it was not actually said in the letter.
And, even then, the cat's family was still partially at fault. Because, had the cat not been where it shouldn't have been, the accident wouldn't have happened. A driver is doing nothing wrong, just driving down the road. That's what the road is for. However, a driver does have the responsibility to be undistracted and aware of their surroundings. Because pets/kids/pedestrians/bicyclists/other cars, also make mistakes and do dumb stuff ALL the time.

For sure, and LW mentioned they knew the risk of the cat being an outdoor cat but had the girl - or anyone - been paying attention, they could have swerved. Even if cat got hit, it could have reduced damages and had chance to live.
My aunt's cat is an outdoor one, and he got hit by a car and survived. It was a rough hit, but the vet figures the car swerved and cat got hit by the actual car and not tire.

Not necessarily. I was driving a car to work when I was a teenager (long before cell phones). A dog shot out and was run over by the rear wheels of my car. I couldn't have swerved and avoided it. Unfortunately the dog was killed. I stopped and spoke to the owner. The dog had run out of the door. I was devastated. It was an accident all around. The dog was an indoor dog that shot out the door and I wasn't distracted. No one was to blame.

You make a good point.
And maybe it's just my area, but there is advertising about keeping your eyes on the road, going slow in certain areas, etc that could prevent that.

You also owned up to the mistake and didn't expect the dog owner to comfort you.

mrsconn23 · November 2017

southernbelle0915 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

MissKittyDanger said:

short+sassy said:

MissKittyDanger said:

short+sassy said:

The girl's parents are outrageous, especially in adding to the LW's grief.
But, at the same time, I need to play a little devil's advocate. How does the LW know the accident was caused solely because the teen was driving irresponsibly? Is that what the girl said? Did they witness the accident?
If neither of those things happened, my money would be on the cat being a cat. And running out into the middle of the road, where even a careful driver might not have been able to avoid hitting the cat.
That's one of the reasons pet cats should be indoor cats, especially in an urban environment. That's why an indoor pet cat vs. an outdoor pet cat has double the life expectancy.

I'm thinking the daughter may have admitted she was on her phone.

That's my suspicion, as well. But it was not actually said in the letter.
And, even then, the cat's family was still partially at fault. Because, had the cat not been where it shouldn't have been, the accident wouldn't have happened. A driver is doing nothing wrong, just driving down the road. That's what the road is for. However, a driver does have the responsibility to be undistracted and aware of their surroundings. Because pets/kids/pedestrians/bicyclists/other cars, also make mistakes and do dumb stuff ALL the time.

For sure, and LW mentioned they knew the risk of the cat being an outdoor cat but had the girl - or anyone - been paying attention, they could have swerved. Even if cat got hit, it could have reduced damages and had chance to live.
My aunt's cat is an outdoor one, and he got hit by a car and survived. It was a rough hit, but the vet figures the car swerved and cat got hit by the actual car and not tire.

Not necessarily. I was driving a car to work when I was a teenager (long before cell phones). A dog shot out and was run over by the rear wheels of my car. I couldn't have swerved and avoided it. Unfortunately the dog was killed. I stopped and spoke to the owner. The dog had run out of the door. I was devastated. It was an accident all around. The dog was an indoor dog that shot out the door and I wasn't distracted. No one was to blame.

Ditto. I hit a squirrel once. It darted out in front of my car. I couldn't react fast enough to swerve even if I'd wanted to. And if I had swerved to miss the squirrel, I probably would have hit a car parked on the side of the street.

IMO, there are true, unavoidable accidents and then there are avoidable accidents that are a result of reckless or risky behavior. Like texting while driving.

A dog ran out in front of me on a road with a 45 MPH speed limit (a residential county road) when I was in HS. I swerved and braked at the same time to avoid him. He ran with the direction of my swerve, so I STILL HIT HIM (or, he ran into me). There were people in a yard watching the whole thing, but they were all, "It's not our dog!" when I got out of the car, crying because I thought I'd killed the poor thing. The dog got up and ran off before I could catch him, seemingly OK. But yeah, I did everything I could to avoid the dog and still hit him. Ugh.

short+sassy · November 2017

I had incident where a child walked right in front of my car. I had absolutely no time to react at all, even to start putting the brake on. But his dad was able to grab his arm and yank him back to the sidewalk. I still shudder at the thought of what could have happened. I would have hit that child square on going 35 MPH and probably would have killed him.

I also want to add that, this is a curving intersection with a thin median. And there is a stupid, giant 10' high bush right where they were standing on the median. There is no way I could have seen them ahead of time.

kerbohl · November 2017

Have the parents never experienced the loss of a pet before? Or maybe they are just better at handling it than I am. If someone was responsible for the death of one of my rabbits, I would NOT be able to offer any comfort whatsoever, and would definitely end up making them feel any worse, just because I would be so upset. And for the animal to die for such a stupid reason like texting and driving? The parents are making an unwise move. Having the daughter volunteer at an animal shelter would probably comfort her a lot better than talking to someone who is very hurt at the loss of a beloved animal.

charlotte989875 · November 2017

This entire thread made me really sad.

oliviaengaged · December 2017

I want to know if she said sorry to you? Why do you comfort her? it's ridiculous. You are a nice person, it's not your problem, it's her responsibility. She is 16!!! She should know the result of her bad behavior.

short+sassy · December 2017

knottief573ab4e053541bf said:

I want to know if she said sorry to you? Why do you comfort her? it's ridiculous. You are a nice person, it's not your problem, it's her responsibility. She is 16!!! She should know the result of her bad behavior.

I just wanted to give you a head's up that the original post is a copy of a letter from Dear Prudence, ie an advice columnist. It's not a problem that @mrsconn23 herself has. You are definitely not the first to misunderstand .

Dear Prudie letters are a regular Thursday thing on this board. So come back tomorrow and join in on the fun!

MissKittyDanger · December 2017

short+sassy said:

knottief573ab4e053541bf said:

I want to know if she said sorry to you? Why do you comfort her? it's ridiculous. You are a nice person, it's not your problem, it's her responsibility. She is 16!!! She should know the result of her bad behavior.

I just wanted to give you a head's up that the original post is a copy of a letter from Dear Prudence, ie an advice columnist. It's not a problem that @mrsconn23 herself has. You are definitely not the first to misunderstand .
Dear Prudie letters are a regular Thursday thing on this board. So come back tomorrow and join in on the fun!

What .... you mean @mrsconn23 doesn't have a huge amount of problems?

#fakenews

judywedding2019 · December 2017

It's not comforting thing, but teaching thing.

*Barbie* · December 2017

MissKittyDanger said:

short+sassy said:

knottief573ab4e053541bf said:

I want to know if she said sorry to you? Why do you comfort her? it's ridiculous. You are a nice person, it's not your problem, it's her responsibility. She is 16!!! She should know the result of her bad behavior.

I just wanted to give you a head's up that the original post is a copy of a letter from Dear Prudence, ie an advice columnist. It's not a problem that @mrsconn23 herself has. You are definitely not the first to misunderstand .
Dear Prudie letters are a regular Thursday thing on this board. So come back tomorrow and join in on the fun!

What .... you mean @mrsconn23 doesn't have a huge amount of problems? #fakenews

this is nothing compared to @mrsconn23's incestuous relationship with his gay twin brother, and not knowing how to tell the family or if they should tell.

"My fraternal twin and I (both men) are in our late 30s. We were always extremely close and shared a bedroom growing up. When we were 12 we gradually started experimenting sexually with each other. After a couple of years, we realized we had fallen in love. Of course we felt guilty and ashamed, and we didn't dare tell anyone what we were doing. We hoped it was "just a phase" that we’d grow out of, but we wound up sleeping together until we left for college. We knew this could ruin our lives, so we made a pact to end it. We attended schools far apart and limited our contact to family holidays. But we never fell out of love with each other, so after graduation we moved in together and have been living very discreetly as a monogamous couple ever since. I'm not writing to you to pass moral judgment on our relationship—we're at peace and very happy. Our dilemma is how to deal with our increasingly nosy family and friends. They know we’re gay, and we live in a state where same-sex marriage is legal, so we’re getting pressure to settle down. I feel we should continue being discreet for the rest of our lives and blow off their questions. It's nobody's business, and I fear they would find our relationship shocking and disgusting. My brother, though, is exhausted with this charade. He thinks that if we get the family together with a therapist to talk through the issues, they'll eventually accept it. I think he's out of his mind, but I also want to make him happy. Is this one of those times when honesty is not the best policy? If so, how do we get everyone to stop worrying we will die alone? I'm also concerned about the legal implications of this—would the therapist be required to report us to the authorities? Could we go to prison?"

mrsconn23 · December 2017

^ That's the letter that got me banned!

*Barbie* · December 2017

mrsconn23 said:

^ That's the letter that got me banned!

i don't know why people are so judgey about you having a relationship with your gay twin brother. it's not impacting them in any way.

In what world should LW be responsible for comforting this girl?

Re: In what world should LW be responsible for comforting this girl?

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