Ultimatium from MOH/sister

kropee10 · February 2011

My six month pregnant sister (and Matron of Honor) told me today she would not be standing up in my wedding if I do not allow her would-be 5 month old and 5 year old would be allowed to attend my reception (they are invited to the ceremony). We want an 'adult' reception and are not inviting any other kids, including my FI's own two nieces.

What is the best way to approach my sister and let her know 'I want you to be part of my only wedding...but not my niece and nephew.'?

redheadfsu · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ultimatium-mohsister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:57d8609b-4fcf-4e06-9af4-41a481c9c384Post:cc89df41-014d-4661-8c52-4c4aee64eb7a">Ultimatium from MOH/sister</a>:
[QUOTE]My six month pregnant sister (and Matron of Honor) told me today she would not be standing up in my wedding if I do not allow her would-be 5 month old and 5 year old would be allowed to attend my reception (they are invited to the ceremony). We want an 'adult' reception and are not inviting any other kids, including my FI's own two nieces. What is the best way to approach my sister and let her know 'I want you to be part of my only wedding...but not my niece and nephew.'?
Posted by kropee10[/QUOTE]

Why are they invited to the ceremony? Inviting adults only is fine, but inviting kids for only half of the wedding is strange. I think that is really inconvenient for her. She has to take them home after the ceremony. That is kind of silly. I can see why she is upset. Invite the kids to all or none, not half.

McKenna2012 · February 2011

Is she supposed to find a way to get them home after the ceremony? I think you should make a "family kids only" exception and invite the nieces as well.

kropee10 · February 2011

I originally was not going to have any kids at the ceremony, and she previously told me she would not be in my wedding if the kids were not allowed there either. My nieces live out of state and would most likely not in attendance regardless if we allowed kids...

GoodLuckBear14 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ultimatium-mohsister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:57d8609b-4fcf-4e06-9af4-41a481c9c384Post:cc89df41-014d-4661-8c52-4c4aee64eb7a">Ultimatium from MOH/sister</a>:
[QUOTE]My six month pregnant sister (and Matron of Honor) told me today she would not be standing up in my wedding if I do not allow her would-be 5 month old and 5 year old would be allowed to attend my reception (they are invited to the ceremony). We want an 'adult' reception and are not inviting any other kids, including my FI's own two nieces. What is the best way to approach my sister and let her know 'I want you to be part of my only wedding...but not my niece and nephew.'?
Posted by kropee10[/QUOTE]

1. Nursing infants are an exception to the no children reception.
2. Immediate family (your kids, neices, nephews) can be an exception to the no children rule.

RebeccaB88 · February 2011

So what you're saying is that your ideal image of an adults only wedding is more important than the needs and feelings of your sister?

GoodLuckBear14 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ultimatium-mohsister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:57d8609b-4fcf-4e06-9af4-41a481c9c384Post:b3133519-eca1-4b32-8ce7-3f71a43015ba">Re: Ultimatium from MOH/sister</a>:
[QUOTE]I originally was not going to have any kids at the ceremony, and she previously told me she would not be in my wedding if the kids were not allowed there either. <strong>My nieces live out of state and would most likely not in attendance regardless if we allowed kids...
</strong>Posted by kropee10[/QUOTE]

are these nieces your MOH's kids?

sister2groom · February 2011

You should let her bring the 5 month old, and would it really hurt to oepn it up to her 5 year old as well? If his nieces can't come then you'd really only be adding 1 extra kid you didn't want, I don't really think that's worth fighting over.

vsgal · February 2011

Are you really ready to go to blows over this with your sister? Let her bring the kids and let it go.

I don't understand why they are invited to the wedding but not the reception. What a pain in the arse for the parents. Your sister probably has to be at the venue for most of the morning and afternoon. After the ceremony, she is going to have to take pictures with you and then get the kids home and hope the babysitter is on time. Then she has to drive all the way back to your reception? Not cool. Who is supposed to watch the 5 month old? If I had a wee one that young with someone else. I would decline your wedding as well.

MairePoppy · February 2011

You are the one making up the rules. And you can change them to accommodate a close family member, if you wanted.

Usually babies are an exception to the 'no children' rule, especially if they are still breastfeeding. And many brides allow immediate family members to bring their small children. It wouldn't mean you have to allow everyone to bring their kids.

But it's your wedding and your choice. And your sister, not you, gets to decide whether or not she will attend your wedding without her children.

aerinpegadrak · February 2011

We had an adult only wedding, but MOH's 9mo daughter and my 5mo niece were both in attendance. It made life easier for them not to have to find sitters, and everyone else liked getting to see them (or, in some cases, meet them for the first time). Nursing infants should always be the exception, they're simply too young to be left with sitters.

ElleestJenn · February 2011

I think its rude to not allow your out of state of nieces to attend. You can't expect your sister to leave your 5 month old baby with someone they really don't know for a long period of time and as well as the 5 year old. If you tell her that the children aren't allowed to be there for the reception you might not have your MOH.

I'm having an adult only reception but immediate family who are under 18 are allowed to come. We only have 3 on both sides under the age of 13.

Muffin'sMom · February 2011

Babies trump the no kids wedding...especially if they are in the wedding party/immediate family. I'm assuming that you have no children, or you wouldn't make an issue. How is she supposed to have them at the wedding and then take them and drop them off somewhere?

A regular guest gets to decide if they want to come based on the hassle factor of getting a sitter, cost, etc. Your wedding party/immediate family do not. They have agreed to be a part of your day. It would be human for you to make that as easy as possible.

sarah42nd · February 2011

Are you more worried about other people having an issue with the children being there? Im ASSuming that you told everyone else no kids and if you have the 2 kids come then maybe people will be mad at you guys because they had to finds sitters and what not? Is that what your thinking? What time is your wedding? I mean if its later they children may not be there the whole. She may stay for dinner with the children and decide to go home? Are you worried about the 'children ruining' the reception?

Sonita12 · February 2011

We are having a "no children wedding" (really, a lot of our friends who have kids would LOVE a night out so they're leaving them at home). Anyway, our nieces and nephews will be in attendance, however. It's ok to allow children of WP and immediate family to attend even if you're not allowing other guests' children to be there.

Besides, if it's a later wedding the kids will likely pass out even with loud music on so it shouldn't be a problem.

heinz11msw · February 2011

"Nursing infants are an exception to the no children reception"

THIS IS CORRECT.

Also, inconsiderate of you to expect her to leave her newborn.

Honestly, get over it. I would never ask my friends or sister in-laws to leave their babies.

graysquirrel · February 2011

If your sister is coming from OOT and doesn't have any alternative to brining her kids, I'd just let her do it. It is really hard for a nursing mom to leave her child-- where else would she leave the baby? And if you have one kid there who happens to be the child of your MOH and your neice, I don't think that people will have a conniption over it.

kropee10 · February 2011

No, I do not have kids myself. My sister lives in town with her husband who has the ability to bring the kids to and from the ceremony and reception site. She had already asked me to invite her MIL to the wedding so she could babysit the kids while she and my bro in law have fun. And I am pretty sure she will be drinking, so nursing a 5 month old will be out of the question. Also, my nieces are welcome to come but their mother (who would be my ex-sister in law) will most likely not let them come.

I want my sister to have a good time and know she likes to have a good time too. I do not want someone having to watch a 5 month old and a 5 year old when there will be no other kids around to play with. I thought I was looking out for her interests because she would NOT want to bring the kids, but I probably did not handle it in the best way.

Thanks for the honest replies.

LoveMuffins · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ultimatium-mohsister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:57d8609b-4fcf-4e06-9af4-41a481c9c384Post:12a27fec-33e5-4f54-bd21-0e182badb5ac">Re: Ultimatium from MOH/sister</a>:
[QUOTE]No, I do not have kids myself. My sister lives in town with her husband who has the ability to bring the kids to and from the ceremony and reception site. <strong>She had already asked me to invite her MIL to the wedding so she could babysit the kids while she and my bro in law have fun.</strong> And I am pretty sure she will be drinking, so nursing a 5 month old will be out of the question. Also, my nieces are welcome to come but their mother (who would be my ex-sister in law) will most likely not let them come. I want my sister to have a good time and know she likes to have a good time too. I do not want someone having to watch a 5 month old and a 5 year old when there will be no other kids around to play with. I thought I was looking out for her interests because she would NOT want to bring the kids, but I probably did not handle it in the best way. Thanks for the honest replies.
Posted by kropee10[/QUOTE]

Now that seems a little ridiculous to me. If she's not even watching the kids, and they do have someone to watch them, then why do they need to be there? Does MIL live out of town or something? Although i don't see why she couldn't just watch them at your sister's house, even if that was the case. With all of this information, I can understand your point a lot better.

It seems like it would be easiest for your sister not to have them at either the ceremony or the reception... have you asked her why she's so adament about having her children there, when she's not going to be paying attention to them anyway?

ElleestJenn · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ultimatium-mohsister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:57d8609b-4fcf-4e06-9af4-41a481c9c384Post:12a27fec-33e5-4f54-bd21-0e182badb5ac">Re: Ultimatium from MOH/sister</a>:
[QUOTE]No, I do not have kids myself. My sister lives in town with her husband who has the ability to bring the kids to and from the ceremony and reception site. She had already asked me to invite her MIL to the wedding so she could babysit the kids while she and my bro in law have fun. <strong>And I am pretty sure she will be drinking, so nursing a 5 month old will be out of the question.</strong> Also, my nieces are welcome to come but their mother (who would be my ex-sister in law) will most likely not let them come. I want my sister to have a good time and know she likes to have a good time too. I do not want someone having to watch a 5 month old and a 5 year old when there will be no other kids around to play with. I thought I was looking out for her interests because she would NOT want to bring the kids, but I probably did not handle it in the best way. Thanks for the honest replies.
Posted by kropee10[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I thought you said she was 6 months pregnant, so she shouldn't be drinking at all. I'm little confused as to whom these nieces belong to now, and if they're out of state because you also mentioned that earlier as well. You said they were sister's so what does your ex-sister in law have to do with this. The information is a little unclear to me. </div><div>
</div><div>Now if your sister lives in the same town that is too much to ask if the MIL can come to babysit. But I think its rude to assume that her husband can/would want to drive them back home after the ceremony before the reception. However, I think the 5 month needs to be allowed to come. I think most people are going to see your two little nieces and just think you invited children that are immediately related to you, which is common.

</div>

sarah42nd · March 2011

The neices belong to the ex sister- in-law and not her sister . She never answered if they lived in town she just said she is pretty sure XSIL won't allow them to come.

Her sister will have given birth to the child she is carrying now . So the child will be 5 months old by then ( Oct 2011) . Sister also has a 5 year old . Her sister lives in the same town as OP. Since Sister gave birth OP is saying that she probably wont be breastfeeding because she will be drinking.

From what I understand ... OPs sister wants her 2 children ( 5months and 5 years ) to come to the wedding but she also wants the OP to invite sisters husband mother ( OPs sisters MIL) so she can watch the children at the reception so OPs sister and BIL can have fun at the recepition. So that 3 extra people OP's sister wants to add to OPs guest list

courtney1188 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ultimatium-mohsister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:57d8609b-4fcf-4e06-9af4-41a481c9c384Post:32720d55-d96f-4aa8-b1c5-5be419361f70">Re: Ultimatium from MOH/sister</a>:
[QUOTE]So what you're saying is that your ideal image of an adults only wedding is more important than the needs and feelings of your sister?
Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]

I really hate this line of thinking. While I agree that you can't really exclude a 5-month-old, I have a feeling you'd be saying this despite the kid's ages. If her sister really chooses to get that upset over an adults-only wedding, she needs to loosen up - it's not her wedding and therefore not her decision. Her sister does not NEED to have her children there, OP already said that sister's MIL could babysit. Although again, exceptions need to be made for breastfeeding infants.

GreenEyes38 · March 2011

For starters I absolutely never post on these boards. When I read them I am often horrified by the responses the posters receive. This is post is not exception to that feeling, and having recently been in a similar situation, I feel compelled to comment. Obviously I do not have all of the information and I do not know all of the background conversations and decision making processes that have led you to this situation. So I will share mine and try to relate it to your situation. For starters, the only children that will be attending our wedding are my fiancés 14 nieces and nephews and I do not want any children under five there. It is a 6:30 Catholic ceremony with the actual reception not starting until almost 9pm. That is too late for children and that is our choice to make. No children. His sisters are responsible for finding child care and I have made it known that if they need help finding child care I have resources. They have found their own child care and know they are responsible for their own children.

Now, we got engaged in August and when I called to tell my sister she shared with me that she just found out she was pregnant again. She would have the baby at the end of April, meaning at our wedding she would have a two years old and a barely four month old baby. My sister is an ardent breast feeder and insisted on being in the bridal party. By Christmas, after my discussion on the best way to accommodate her recently having given birth—regarding the dress, her weight, her breasts, etc.—and breast feeding we had to have a real conversation about each of our expectations. I explained that I understand that this infant is reliant on my sister, but that there are pumps, babysitters, her husband, my stepmother, aunts, babysitters and her Mother-In-Law (who was invited since I know them and that is appropriate etiquette) and if she choose to step out of the church during the ceremony, miss pictures, not get hair and make up done, not ride in the limo, etc. with the bridal party that was something she would have to be okay with. I was not trying to be insensitive, which I’m sure some posters will think I am evil on this board, but it is one day and a day that does run on a very tight schedule. I offered her multiple accommodations and my sister was unyielding. So I had to have that discussion with her that these were her choices and I was not responsible for what she choose to do and I did not want to later hear her complain—In other words I can’t ask the priest to hold on while she steps out, or tell the photographer to wait thirty minutes while she feeds, or leave hour gaps in between the ceremony, cocktail hour and reception. She made the decision that she would attend what she could and if she missed something she was okay with that. However, in the end my sister stepped down because she found out she is pregnant with twins and knows she cannot handle all of the stress and worry of two babies and a toddler on top of trying to be available to be a bridesmaid. I was very supportive of my sister’s decision and have continued to offer her options to make the weekend as stress free as possible.

Now, I hope from my post that you understand what I am saying is you have to be considerate of your sister and you have to communicate. She is a new mother and her obligation is to that infant. But if she is insistent on being an attendant she has to make concessions and understand that this is not her wedding, it is not her schedule to tweek and not her guest list to dictate. If she is not breastfeeding and you have offered her child care options, have tried to accommodate her by adjusting picture times, etc. and she refuses, then maybe she should not be a bridesmaid so she can instead sit in the pew with her five year old and five month old and make her top priority of that day being a mother. It does not make her a bad mother to leave her two children with a competent sitter—a family friend, a sitter from a service agency or her in-laws if they live in the town or are willing to travel in town for a visit—nor does it make her a bad sister to not be an attendant. It just means that life is not perfect and sometimes people are in different places in their lives.

I hate that phrase, “It’s your day”. It sounds so bratty and immature, but at a certain point, it is your and your fiancés day and to constantly be battling people and giving into demands that an individual has no right to ask of is unreasonable. If you are sticking to your guns about no children then she will have to make the choice to either get a sitter or just not come. But that is her choice and she has not right to steamroll you into a decision that is not hers to make.

If you have not adequately and maturely discussed this with your sister, you need to do so and the two of you, independently of your parents, her husband, and other best friends need to be on the same page. There is a very logical and reasonable solution to this problem. You accommodate her schedule of being a mommy the day of to the best of abilities, she hires a sitter, and she accepts what she can and cannot do. Then you both enjoy the day and remember that you are sisters. When I was three months old my Mom left me with my Dad’s Grandmother all day so she could be sister’s maid of honor. She pumped and was gone from 9am until 8pm and I turned out just fine, so it can be done.

If she steps down from being an attendant then include her in another way, which is what I am doing. My sister is now being a reader, a family friend is sitting for her and she will be available to tend to the needs of her two four month olds. Hope this helps and I hope you resolve this issue. There are so many things to stress about for a wedding and arguing with your sister over something as sensitive as children, is the last thing you want to be stressing about.

courtney1188 · March 2011

^ I really, really tried to read that, GreenEyes, but it's very hard to get what you're saying without paragraphs. Not trying to be rude, just saying that if you want posters to hear your opnion it's much easier to understand if you can short and break it down into paragraphs, it's so much easier on the eyes.

And also, starting your post complaining about others here is never a good idea. Different people have different posting styles, and they're not going to change because someone doesn't like it. By making it the first thing you say you're automatically making people not really want to listen to you, I'm sure that's not what you want.

lexmarie10 · March 2011

YES. I agree with pretty much everything you said, GreenEyes.

I also can't stand when people say "It's your day," but you know what? It is! The further I get in my planning, the more people are trying to tell me what to do. Don't let anyone bully you and do not feel let people make you feel guilty about not having children at the reception. I'm not having children at either the wedding or reception and honestly, I think most of my friends and family would like a break from their kids.

Obviously, try to have a calm conversation with your sister about it (if you haven't already), but if she still is giving you all these ultimatums, I think it's time to take a step back, tell her "I'm sorry that's how you feel," and let her decide if she can go along with your wishes. As obnoxious and cliche as it sounds, it really is your (and your fiance's) wedding day and you should be allowed to decide how it goes.

Good luck and I'm sorry that this is stressing you out! I hope everything turns out OK!

StephieBow · March 2011

One of the first things my mom said to me is "It's not proper to tell family members not to bring their kids..." ... and I'm not just talking about a few... collectively there could be 10+ kids at my wedding. Not the way I imagined things going but, it is what it is.

It is not worth having major fights with my cousins or FIs over whether or not their children (all under 5) can attend or not. The best we can do is hope that the parents want a night out on their own and they stay with a sitter or their grandparents.

That said, I do not think it was right of your sister to say what she said, it was rude. There are better ways to approach the topic and a way to make you feel like you aren't under attack - I will give you that!

shoebie · March 2011

no kids is no kids she is making your day about her find someone else to stand up for you and why does everyone say nursing infants are the exception who dosent own a breast pump these days

Ximena M · March 2011

Good Job! I love what you said.

Mr&MrsChamberlain · March 2011

I would say that she has put you in an awkward situation on what is supposed to be your special day. In my opinion it doesn't matter what she wants becuase it's your day. I have a sister who is being the same way about everything which is why I'm trying to keep my plans to myself so far. She should be able to say that it's okay for her children to stay home while she goes to the reception for a few hours. It's understandable to have an 'adult' reception with no children. It's more responsible to say that children can't come instead of letting them go and be around the 'adult situations' whatever they might be. All I'm saying is that it's your wedding, not hers.You need to be happy, not her. If that's what it comes down to and she still won't do it then she's not being a very good sister.

tmwanyo · March 2011

if you dont want any kids then Im sorry but I say no kids.
And I know some people do not care who is around and will breasfed in the open barely covered and can care less who is watching. No thank you I dont need to see you nursing your child. So that would be all the more for me to NOT want a baby at my wedding.
Also SOME parents do not discipline their kids at all, I dont want a child throwing some tantrum in the middle of the reception especially if the parents wont care to do anything to make the situation better and let the kid have a fit.
I am ALL for no kids personally. If others want that fine but I am not going to have to worry about that,

cms4mf · March 2011

When I was younger a cousin of mine was having an adults-only wedding. My parents brought me to town with them and left them with some other cousins who's parents had hired a babysitter. I ended up going to the wedding (but not the reception). As a little girl I'd never been to a wedding before and was so excited to go! It was just something fun for a little kid to see, plus now 20 years later I know that I went to my cousin's wedding. We weren't upset about me not going to the reception- I got to see her in her pretty dress at the ceremony and had fun playing barbies with my cousins at home in the evening and going to bed while our parents were still out having fun at the wedding.

I think it would be good if both sides were more understanding. Generally issuing an ultimatim is harsh and not the most conducive way to come up wtih a compromise.

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