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Plus one line

augustgirl21augustgirl21 member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
edited February 2018 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So when I originally did my rough draft of guest list to see the maximum number of people who could show up I gave everyone over 16 a plus one to make sure we would have room. Now that we are closer to addressing and sending invites who should get a "and guest on invite?" My main question is the list my FMIL gave me some people have "and guest" some don't and I don't know if the people are 16 or 90. She invited our future neighbors (FI's current neighbors) and the majority of them are in their 80s and widowed. She did not have and guest for these ladies. 
All of my great aunts are widowed and have been for years. One of them has lots of "male friends" so she is getting and guest. But some have been single since their husbands past years ago. 
Is this a case by case basis or a set rule/guide? 

Obviously if I know they are dating someone that persons name goes on the invite. I'm asking about the ones who are single. 

*edited for clarity  

 

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Re: Plus one line

  • ahoyweddingahoywedding member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited February 2018
    We gave everyone who was single a plus one, but my youngest cousin was a junior in high school. It doesn't technically matter, as long as you're consistent. Even if someone doesn't want to bring a "date," they may want to bring a friend.

    edit: your/you're
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  • kahluakoalakahluakoala member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I'd focus first on:
    - Folks who won't know anyone at the wedding
    - Folks who are travelling a long distance and might be looking for someone to split a hotel room with / explore an area with
    - Family. I'm kinda of the attitude that if an adult family member would feel comfortable bringing someone to a wedding (like, the last single cousin wants to bring a friend), or they're seeing someone they haven't told people about yet and would like the chance to introduce them they should get that opportunity, and I trust them not to just bring a date for the sake of a date, so I'd like them to feel the most comfortable.

    Careful with older people - I know I mentioned to my FMIL that her mom (FGMIL) would be welcome to bring a guest, but she's a widow, and FMIL cautioned me that if I write "and guest" on her invite I'll insult her, and it would be better to just verbally communicate that if she wants someone to accompany her that's not already invited (which would be unlikely because all her kids, grandkids, and nieces/nephews are already attending) she can bring them.
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  • augustgirl21augustgirl21 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    @kahluakoala yes this is my issue with the older people. I don't want to insult widows by writing "and guest" 

     

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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited February 2018
    The only RULE about plus ones at weddings is that you cannot break up an established couple.  Older people often have quiet relationships with others, and they would not be insulted if their friend was included.  (Senior lady, here!)
    No one is entitled to a random date for your wedding, and, as others have said, you should always try to get the name of the guest instead of writing "and guest".  It sounds like you have things under control.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    In terms of your FMIL’s list, I would just ask her to clarify who should get a guest. Let her make that determination for her single guests. 

    For yours, if you have room and budget, I’d give a plus one to everyone. If you don’t, then I’d probably not give a plus one to guests under 18 and then consider it social circle by social circle. If you have singles in the same social circle/at the same table, it would be awkward to give one/some a plus one and not others.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
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  • MandyMostMandyMost member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Lots of good advice here, but I'll just echo it's good to do it "in circles". If one of these "old lady widows" doesn't get a guest and another does, they might feel hurt or angry. 
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  • SoonToBeSmith0512SoonToBeSmith0512 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited February 2018
    CMGragain said:
    The only RULE about plus ones at weddings is that you cannot break up an established couple.  Older people often have quiet relationships with others, and they would not be insulted if their friend was included.  (Senior lady, here!)
    No one is entitled to a random date for your wedding, and, as others have said, you should always try to get the name of the guest instead of writing "and guest".  It sounds like you have things under control.
    This is good advice.

    One rule of thumb is to give a +1 to only those for whom you could give a named guest (vs. "and guest"). This could be regardless of the stage of their relationship, how long they've been together, etc. OR you could set some sort of parameter, i.e., only SO's of 6 months or longer, only couples engaged or living together, etc. But consistency is key. Pick the rule of thumb that feels most appropriate for your circle and stick with it.

    I'll also add that regardless of relationship status, I think it's common courtesy  to give every member of your wedding party a +1.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    ShesSoCold said:
    missJeanLouise said:
    SoonToBeSmith0512 said:
    CMGragain said:
    The only RULE about plus ones at weddings is that you cannot break up an established couple.  Older people often have quiet relationships with others, and they would not be insulted if their friend was included.  (Senior lady, here!)
    No one is entitled to a random date for your wedding, and, as others have said, you should always try to get the name of the guest instead of writing "and guest".  It sounds like you have things under control.
    This is good advice.

    One rule of thumb is to give a +1 to only those for whom you could give a named guest (vs. "and guest"). This could be regardless of the stage of their relationship, how long they've been together, etc. OR you could set some sort of parameter, i.e., only SO's of 6 months or longer, only couples engaged or living together, etc. But consistency is key. Pick the rule of thumb that feels most appropriate for your circle and stick with it.

    I'll also add that regardless of relationship status, I think it's common courtesy  to give every member of your wedding party a +1.
    The bolded is actually very rude. My DH and I dated for 4 years before getting engaged and then had an 18 month engagement. I had friends get engaged, married, and divorced within that 18 months but I wouldn’t be allowed to bring my BF because we didn’t cross some arbitrary boundary!? Fuck that noise. If someone considers themselves in a relationship, you invite their SO. End of story. If you are unsure if someone is seeing anybody, ask them. 

    This. Also a "plus one" is for truly single people. People in relationships don't get plus ones. They get their partner invited by name. Period.
    All of that.   @SoonToBeSmith0512 you may have been fed some bad information.   Those who are in a relationship are invited with their SO.   The only people who get to define that relationship are those in it.  

    To set any kind of parameter is incredibly rude. 
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  • MandyMostMandyMost member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    SoonToBeSmith0512 said:

    One rule of thumb is to give a +1 to only those for whom you could give a named guest (vs. "and guest"). This could be regardless of the stage of their relationship, how long they've been together, etc. OR you could set some sort of parameter, i.e., only SO's of 6 months or longer, only couples engaged or living together, etc. But consistency is key. Pick the rule of thumb that feels most appropriate for your circle and stick with it.
    No, the rule of thumb is that if you can name the "guest", then you name them on the invitation. It is rude to send someone in a relationship a "Mary Smith and Guest" invite, instead of inviting "Mary Smith and James Jones". 

    Picking any arbitrary parameter where YOU are judging the state of THEIR relationship is wrong. Period. It doesn't matter if they met yesterday and eloped today, or have been dating for 30 years and still not living together. It's not up to you to decide if the person is in a relationship (a couple, a social unit) or not. 
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