Sexuality can be fluid and ever evolving, no?

mrsconn23 · May 2018

Dear Prudence,

My best friend and I came out to each other when we were teenagers, she as gay and me as bisexual. I’m in my 20s now and have a large network of LGBTQ friends, and being bisexual has always been a key part of my “image,” as it were.

However, I don’t think I’m bi anymore. I’ve not felt attracted to women for just over a year now, not just in terms of not having dated any girls but on a conceptual level too, and it’s not a desire I see returning. I’ve started to feel really guilty for maintaining the belief to my social group that I’m also queer when I’m just not. In my case it really does feel like “just a phase,” albeit a phase of nearly a decade. I’m scared that if I “come out” as straight then people close to me will feel betrayed and deceived, and I could lose a lot of friends. But carrying on like this is making me feel like this awful imposter.

—Distressing Revelation

STARMOON44 · May 2018

If you lose friends because you are honest about your sexual orientation I don’t think they’re good friends to begin with.

charlotte989875 · May 2018

I think it's always best to be honest with the people in your life, and if it's getting hard not to say anything, it's time to say something. Hopefully these people are your true friends and will understand that identities can and do change. If not, that's sad and hard, but not worth maintaining if they don't support who you are.

short+sassy · May 2018

I agree with the PPs, but I also don't think this necessarily needs to be a big revelation to everyone in the friend group. It could be mentioned if the subject naturally comes up or even posed as a question to others. Like, "I've found it a bit puzzling, but I really haven't felt an attraction to women over the last year."

Also, I cringed when she used the word "phase". That has always struck me as a homophobic term people use to discount a person's sexuality. Like, "Oh, she's not really gay. She's only 20 and just experimenting. She doesn't really know what she wants. It's just a phase she'll grow out of when she meets the right man." Gag.

Although a different subject, it was a similar bristling experience that I had about 20 years ago. When my BFF and her mom told me I would "change my mind when I met the right man", on the subject of having children. Gag again.

This is an aspect of time travel people don't often talk about, lol. I would love to go back in time to that moment...as I am now...and say, "Actually, no, BFF and BFF mom. This is 44-year-old shortnsassy from the future. I met the right man. I still never wanted to have children."

VarunaTT · May 2018

Huh. This is pretty cringe-worthy and I think I'd be fairly hurt if one of my friends did this, not necessarily b/c of them, but b/c of the particular issues surrounding "just a phase," "choosing a side", political climate, etc. And they really need to work on their verbiage. They were never bi, I'd really rather them just use bi-curious or something, rather than I was bi, now I'm not, it was just a phase. But, I'd rather my friend live their truth as well. Sooner rather than later is good, I think.

ETA: I'd also have some questions. My preferences wax and wane, and being bi isn't some sort of magical ratio of attraction to different genders.

ernursej · May 2018

VarunaTT said:

Huh. This is pretty cringe-worthy and I think I'd be fairly hurt if one of my friends did this, not necessarily b/c of them, but b/c of the particular issues surrounding "just a phase," "choosing a side", political climate, etc. And they really need to work on their verbiage. They were never bi, I'd really rather them just use bi-curious or something, rather than I was bi, now I'm not, it was just a phase. But, I'd rather my friend live their truth as well. Sooner rather than later is good, I think.

ETA: I'd also have some questions. My preferences wax and wane, and being bi isn't some sort of magical ratio of attraction to different genders.

How does one know if they were bi or bi curious for 10 years?

VarunaTT · May 2018

ernursej said:

VarunaTT said:

Huh. This is pretty cringe-worthy and I think I'd be fairly hurt if one of my friends did this, not necessarily b/c of them, but b/c of the particular issues surrounding "just a phase," "choosing a side", political climate, etc. And they really need to work on their verbiage. They were never bi, I'd really rather them just use bi-curious or something, rather than I was bi, now I'm not, it was just a phase. But, I'd rather my friend live their truth as well. Sooner rather than later is good, I think.

ETA: I'd also have some questions. My preferences wax and wane, and being bi isn't some sort of magical ratio of attraction to different genders.

How does one know if they were bi or bi curious for 10 years?

I don't know, b/c I haven't had that experience. But referring to your sexuality as a "phase" is something that has been wielded as a sword against the queer community for decades and that verbiage really shouldn't be used by anyone in any context. So, my suggestion is bi-curious b/c that acknowledges that someone was curious, might've had some attractions, played around, and decided it wasn't for them. IDK how long that journey takes. It's also why I said preferences can wax and wane for some people...I've tended to be more attracted to the others of the same gender of the person I am with at the time, though with K identifying as non-binary, it's thrown a loop into that theory.

Sexuality can be fluid and ever evolving, no?

Re: Sexuality can be fluid and ever evolving, no?

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