Your family sucks.

mrsconn23 · June 2018

Dear Prudence,

I was married for six years to the love of my life. I lost him to septic shock in December of 2016. I was completely devastated at the time, but through counseling and grief support, I’m doing much better. My parents, my children, and especially my sister keep asking me when I’m going to start dating again. I’ve tried saying I’m not ready, and I get “But you’re so young!” I’m 50. Honestly, I have no desire to date again. It’s been 17 months since I lost the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. How do I get through to them that I need time and will make the decision for myself? This issue is compounded by the fact that my family didn’t care for my husband, so they think if they’re over it, I should be too.

—Unready Widow

CharmedPam · June 2018

"friends, I'll be ready when I'm ready. Until then, I'm learning the new life I have to live".

banana468 · June 2018

"When I'm ready you'll know. Until then back off and let me process on my and not your terms."

charlotte989875 · June 2018

Your family does suck. Even if they mean well, they suck.

You do you, LW. If/when you feel ready, date. If you don't, then don't. Ignore your terrible family.

VarunaTT · June 2018

Hand them a Ho Sit Down and STFU card. This is a level of uncaring I can't even fathom.

levioosa · June 2018

17 months is nothing. Family needs to sit down and shut up. I can’t even fathom asking someone who has lost a spouse when and why they’re not dating yet. I would be completely silent until they mentioned wanting to get back out in the dating pool first.

downtondiva · June 2018

She should tell them to back off and that the only person who can decide when she's going to start dating again is her. And if that's never, then so be it.

Jen4948 · June 2018

Yeah, your family does suck. Tell them (nicely) to STFU

mrsconn23 · June 2018

levioosa said:

17 months is nothing. Family needs to sit down and shut up. I can’t even fathom asking someone who has lost a spouse when and why they’re not dating yet. I would be completely silent until they mentioned wanting to get back out in the dating pool first.

It has been over 2.5 years since MIL died and there has been *one*, mostly joking, mention of FIL dating. (An old friend told FIL he had someone 'perfect' for him...FIL gave it more than 2 seconds of thought, but I don't think he met her or even talked to her on the phone. When I asked DH if his dad was interested in meeting this lady, he almost choked on his own tongue. IF FIL ever dates again, even casually, there's going to be feelings in my H and his siblings.)

So yeah, this lady's family can fuck all the way the hell off. Especially since it sounds like it was a rather sudden death. Regardless of how they felt about him, don't they love her? If the answer is yes, they're not acting like it.

short+sassy · June 2018

Grief is such a different and very personal thing for people. If she hasn't already, she needs to draw a hard line and explain they are HURTING her and making things worse with these questions. And they need to stop. Period.

I do want to add that I think a very occasional and sensitive conversation with a close loved one about their plans, dating or otherwise, sometime after an SO's death is fine. But more like a check into how their doing, what are their feelings, etc. Maybe they're starting to think about dating, but feel guilty. Or feel like they can't imagine wanting to date anyone again. Listen and be appropriately supportive with good advice.

I had both of these types of conversations with my own mother after the death of my father (her H). Though both of them were at her prompting. Very shortly after his death, she expressed that she wasn't sure she would ever want to date again. I told her the grief was still fresh and she might change her mind later on. That it was okay if she didn't, but I knew daddy wouldn't want her to be alone if she changed her mind one day. And neither would I.

About 6 months later, I know she wasn't even looking, but she met another man she really liked. She felt guilty and worried it was "too soon". I told her she had nothing to feel guilty for. She had loved her husband with all of her heart during his lifetime. And if she felt ready to date again, she should. She and that gentleman have been together now for 20 years and got married about 8 years ago. He's a good man who has brought a lot of happiness into her life and I am grateful to him for that.

ernursej · June 2018

I would tell them that you appreciate their interest in your wellbeing, but that your wellbeing does not include dating right now. Tell them that you do not wish to discuss the topic again. If they continue, offer boundaries and then stick with the boundaries.

Your family sucks.

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