Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years and moved in together about six months ago. While he’s a wonderful, charismatic person, he also has a drinking problem defined by daily binge drinking. The majority of our relationship before he moved in was long-distance, and while I was aware of the drinking issue, I was unprepared for the day-to-day challenges of alcoholism. A year ago, he found out that I had been unfaithful, and after some time apart, we decided to try to make it work. In that time, I’ve dedicated myself to making it up to him by cutting off friends, coming out as gay, introducing him to my family, moving him in, and doing everything I can to redeem myself. However, during our first few weeks and months living together, he still seemed distant, resentful, and uninterested in me. Small things, like mentioning a conversation with a co-worker or meeting with a friend, sent him into a jealous rage. Eventually, I started reporting every move I made to him throughout the day to build trust—but despite brief stints of contentment, we always ended up clashing again. This happened so frequently that we were asked to leave a rental property in my name, barely escaping an eviction. We moved again, and we both have great careers and I was confident that we could still make it work. But he treated me as a roommate with benefits—I would ask for a kiss or a hug or encouragement after a stressful day only to be blown off, repeatedly.
After silently dealing with his suspicion and indifference for months, I confronted him, but he told me I was being dramatic. A year after we got back together, he still views me with contempt—although he has admitted his own indiscretions since then. He won’t listen to anyone about his destructive drinking. He says he loves me but still can’t trust me. I’ve left our home—but he insists I come back daily so he can sleep better at night. Yet when I’m there, his attitude toward me remains the same. I want to get out of this cycle, but I fear I’m in too deep to see the situation clearly.
—Drunk in Love