Wedding Woes

I feel like the issue discussed is not the real issue here.

Dear Prudence,

Four years ago, I got pregnant while taking birth control pills. I didn’t want to have an abortion, but my boyfriend wanted me to, so I did. We started using condoms, and I kept taking the pill. It seemed reasonable at the time, as we were both scared. I definitely don’t want to get pregnant right now, but in the past year or so, condoms have started to bother me. I just miss having unbarriered sex—it feels better, it’s more convenient, and it’s more intimate. In four years, I’ve only forgotten to take the pill twice, and I have not had any abnormal bleeding. I feel 99.7 percent confident, and I feel the 0.3 percent risk is worth taking for people in long-term relationships. My boyfriend wants to keep using both and doesn’t understand why I would allow any chance at all. Of course I’ll respect his wishes, and his perspective seems logical. I just can’t shake the feeling that it takes away from our intimacy and commitment. I’m being irrational, right?

—Condom Commitment

Re: I feel like the issue discussed is not the real issue here.

  • I think you need to look at what the ACTUAL risk is here and not the "I think" risk.   


    Beyond that, you need to talk to the BF to have an answer about what the two of you will do should your method and backup not work.  The answer doesn't need to be the same but you need to have an understanding should it present itself again.

    Also, the law says that he can't push you do have an abortion.   So you need to decide if your desire to adhere to his wants is more important than yours.   And if you have any concerns about what has been done then you should see a counselor if there are any residual issues that you think are unresolved.
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited July 2018
    I think beyond the condom or no condom issue, they need to discuss what they see in the future. 

    Are they never planning to have kids or are kids a few more years away?  If that is the case, maybe a long-term BC option (like an IUD) would be a better plan (if she's a good candidate).  Or if they want to stay together long-term, but have no plans for children maybe a vasectomy would be an option for him? (even though from the tone of the letter, they sound young)

    Furthermore, if they continue with pills and condoms...there is still a risk for pregnancy.  So what if they do get pregnant again?  Is she going to let him pressure her into another abortion?  If not, is he going to walk away from her and their child if she goes through with the pregnancy?

    Also, is she not over the abortion?  I mean, I can't tell her throwing it out there casually in the letter. 

    This is deeper than whether or not to use condoms. 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    I think beyond the condom or no condom issue, they need to discuss what they see in the future. 

    Are they never planning to have kids or are kids a few more years away?  If that is the case, maybe a long-term BC option (like an IUD) would be a better plan (if she's a good candidate).  Or if they want to stay together long-term, but have no plans for children maybe a vasectomy would be an option for him? (even though from the tone of the letter, they sound young)

    Furthermore, if they continue with pills and condoms...there is still a risk for pregnancy.  So what if they do get pregnant again?  Is she going to let him pressure her into another abortion?  If not, is he going to walk away from her and their child if she goes through with the pregnancy?

    Also, is she not over the abortion?  I mean, I can't tell her throwing it out there casually in the letter. 

    This is deeper than whether or not to use condoms. 
    Yeah all of that.   Of course the short term answer is "use condoms" but the LT answer is 'where is all of this going???" 
  • Anyone else think she wants to be in that .01 percent and ‘accidentally’ get pregnant again and not have an abortion this time? It just sounds like she didn’t want to end the pregnancy and is hoping for a redo. 

    I’m all about the condom free life and I’m diligent about the pill. But we know the realities of what that means. 
  • Anyone else think she wants to be in that .01 percent and ‘accidentally’ get pregnant again and not have an abortion this time? It just sounds like she didn’t want to end the pregnancy and is hoping for a redo. 

    I’m all about the condom free life and I’m diligent about the pill. But we know the realities of what that means. 
    Yup 100%. And I bet he thinks so too 
  • Anyone else think she wants to be in that .01 percent and ‘accidentally’ get pregnant again and not have an abortion this time? It just sounds like she didn’t want to end the pregnancy and is hoping for a redo. 

    I’m all about the condom free life and I’m diligent about the pill. But we know the realities of what that means. 


    Maybe that is what her b/f is worried about also ;).

    I also wonder if she ever looked more closely as to why her b/c pills failed before.  Yes, it can technically happen.  But it is exceedingly rare.  I've heard most failures also have an extenuating circumstance with them.  A missed dose or two decreases the effectiveness.  Was she taking other medications at the time?  Some medications will decrease the effectiveness.  An antibiotic is one of them.

    At any rate, if there was an extenuating circumstance she could point to that contributed to the previous failure, maybe that could sway her b/f.

    As someone who is ardently Pro-Choice.  Whatever that choice is.  I am very unsettled with the info that she wanted to keep the baby, but didn't because her b/f wanted her to have an abortion.  I need more info on those conversations.

    Best case scenario, they had discussion(s).  He (gently) gave his opinion with no pressure.  She, of her own volition, decided an abortion was the right choice.  Though now has some sadness and second-guesses about that choice.  However, I think one of the two next scenarios are the more likely ones.  1) He pressured her.  Strongly.  That's DTMFA territory.  2) Or he gave his opinion.  She's a "pleaser" personality and/or is too insecure to follow her own needs.  And had an abortion she really didn't want.

    I think some therapy sessions would be helpful for LW.  She has unresolved issues over the abortion.  And maybe needs to work out recognizing her own value.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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