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Wedding Woes

Ring request

Dear Prudence,

When I was 16, my father died suddenly. My mother coped as best she could, raising me and my two brothers on her own, and when I was away at college, she got rid of nearly all my father’s things. She gave my father’s sister the wedding ring that had once belonged to his mother and that he had bequeathed to me. My mom felt the ring would mean more to my aunt since my grandmother had died before I was born. I found this out later and didn’t object at the time, but as I’ve grown older I regret having almost nothing of my father’s apart from a few photos.

My aunt has since died and (I assume) the ring was passed down to her daughter. I know it’s churlish, but I’d really like to ask my cousin for the ring since my dad had meant for me to have it. I have no idea of its monetary value but don’t think it’s very much—my grandparents weren’t wealthy. My cousin and I are not close (she is almost a generation older than I am) so if I made this request, I know it would be a surprise to her, and possibly an unwelcome one. On the other hand, she also never had the chance to meet our grandmother and I am sure has other mementos of her mother. Do I need to let this go or would it be OK to ask?

—No Exchanges, No Returns

Re: Ring request

  • LW needs to let this go.   How would she ask for it? "Hey I'm guessing you have your dead mom's ring but it was supposed to be mine.   Can I have it?"

    LW has every right to be bummed and possibly irritated with her mom for not honoring dad's request.   But it doesn't entitle her anything more than her feelings. 
    STARMOON44InLoveInQueensshort+sassy
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I think it doesn't hurt to ask - once.  After that, LW needs to let it go.  I also think LW should acknowledge its an awkward ask.

    "Hi cousin, I know this is an awkward request and I hope it doesn't bring you any pain.  But when my father passed, I was supposed to get grandmom's wedding rings.  My mom gave everything away, including the rings.  Aunt received the rings and I was hoping that you might consider passing them on to me.  I don't have anything of dad's and this is the only thing that I know he wanted me to have."

    It might also be helpful to offer a monetary value for the rings to cousin, since LW wants them for the meaning behind the rings.

    SSC - That's terrible that your SF won't even SELL you one of your mother's belongings that you want.

    short+sassy
  • I’d write her a letter (maybe email?) explaining the situation and your request. Then leave it up to the cousin, but prepare yourself to let it go, too. I don’t think it hurts to ask, but she also has every right to say no. 
    ShesSoColdmissJeanLouise
  • I agree. I think if LW wrote a letter or email explaining things, like she does here, maybe cousin would understand. Couldn’t hurt to try.
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its

    I think it doesn't hurt to ask - once.  After that, LW needs to let it go.  I also think LW should acknowledge its an awkward ask.

    "Hi cousin, I know this is an awkward request and I hope it doesn't bring you any pain.  But when my father passed, I was supposed to get grandmom's wedding rings.  My mom gave everything away, including the rings.  Aunt received the rings and I was hoping that you might consider passing them on to me.  I don't have anything of dad's and this is the only thing that I know he wanted me to have."

    It might also be helpful to offer a monetary value for the rings to cousin, since LW wants them for the meaning behind the rings.

    SSC - That's terrible that your SF won't even SELL you one of your mother's belongings that you want.

    Yeah. I was avoiding it at first but whatever. It's a hunting rifle. My mom was left handed, but shot right handed. My stepdad is right handed, but shoots left handed, so he can't even use it. 

    The worst part is when we asked to buy it, he said "But [new wife] shoots right handed". 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • ei34ei34 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ditto other that it can’t hurt to ask.

    sorry that you’re dealing with that @ShesSoCold
  • I think it’s incredibly inappropriate to ask. Cousin has just lost her mother. She shouldn’t need to be dealing with LW’s drama. Move on. 
    banana468
  • I also think it would be okay to gently ask once.  And if the cousin declines, then request if the cousin every thinks about selling it, to please contact me first.  Then let it go.

    But @STARMOON44 brings up a good point.  We don't know when the cousin's mother passed away.  The LW should not be making this request while grief is fresh.

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    charlotte989875
  • If cousin is a generation older, maybe ask if it would be ok to get them when she passes, after explaining the circumstances, of course.  

  • I agree - doesn't hurt to ask!  The thing is, the jewelry could be a thing that's not important to her, especially an "old ring" and rather than it being donated, or sold for the value of the metal, why not ask (because if the cousin doesn't know there's an interest..  She's not psychic!)..  


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    short+sassy
  • MesmrEwe said:
    I agree - doesn't hurt to ask!  The thing is, the jewelry could be a thing that's not important to her, especially an "old ring" and rather than it being donated, or sold for the value of the metal, why not ask (because if the cousin doesn't know there's an interest..  She's not psychic!)..  


    That's what I was thinking. If it is important, than the cousin can say no, but if it isn't, then maybe LW can get back something that has meaning.
    imageimage
    short+sassycharlotte989875MesmrEwe
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think it’s incredibly inappropriate to ask. Cousin has just lost her mother. She shouldn’t need to be dealing with LW’s drama. Move on. 
    I agree. 

  • I don't think it's unreasonable to ask about the ring, but if LW's aunt just passed away recently, I would suggest waiting a little while. I like the idea of sending a letter or email asking, as it's a bit less confrontational and avoids putting the cousin on the spot and allows her some time to think about it. 

    That being said, LW should be prepared for cousin to ask for proof that her father wanted her to have the ring, or to outright tell her no. In that case, LW will need to accept cousin's decision graciously and move on. This is not something to hound a relative about or hold a grudge against them for. It's just not worth it.
    image
    charlotte989875short+sassySTARMOON44OliveOilsMom
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