My dad is unable to dance with me at our wedding how do I still include him?

Re: My dad is unable to dance with me at our wedding how do I still include him?

• ShesSoCold mod

  

  September 2018

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  It’s not mud, you’re mean! I’m ignoring you! 
  
  Stuck -
  
  You're not doing a very good job. 
  
  What, exactly, did you want from us?

  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  September 2018 edited September 2018

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• missJeanLouise member

  

  September 2018

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  missJeanLouise said:

  Op. Take a breath. This will all be okay.
  
  There is one thing I am confused on. You have not asked your dad about this, correct? But your mother has? And she is upset about it? But you think your dad will be fine with it?
  
  am I misunderstanding anything so far?
  
  
  

  Deep breath.....Yes I haven’t asked my dad about this I’m sorry I didn’t I should have, yes my mom was upset about it, I just thought after the dance rehearsal with my father in law and my fiancé and his step mom watching but also participating I thought it was ok when I talked to my mom the next morning she yelled at me, soon we were both crying I just need help not yelling. No misunderstandings so far, you’re good 

  
  I still think talking to your dad about how he would want to be included is your best option. If you have to use your mother as an interpreter or just writes notes back and forth, so be it. Maybe it would mean a lot to him just to sway back and forth a couple times with his daughter on her wedding day, maybe a hug would suffice, you won’t truly know until you ask him.
  
  my mom got all upset because I didn’t have a role for my stepdad in the wedding but he didn’t want one so she ended up having to apologize. I know he didn’t want one because I asked him.
  
  I also have not seen spotlight dances between in laws and a bride/groom. I am not saying you can’t do it (I don’t think anyone is), just that doing it once the dance floor is already open might be more appropriate. 
  
  Have you considered dancing with your mom instead of your dad? 

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• banana468 member

  

  September 2018

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  climbingwife said:

  I truly have a hard time believe you're in your 30s. "The s word". Really? Have you been on the internet before? 
  
  I have attended dozens of weddings, and I can't recall one where the bride danced with her FIL. While everyone one was dancing, sure. But not their own dance. 
  
  If my father had not been able to dance with me at my wedding, I would have skipped the dance. 

  I’ve been on the internet for a very long time I just hate curse words I basically have to filter everything out in my head 

  If you think that's bad I hope you don't watch POTUS talk. 

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• ShesSoCold mod

  

  September 2018

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  climbingwife said:

  I truly have a hard time believe you're in your 30s. "The s word". Really? Have you been on the internet before? 
  
  I have attended dozens of weddings, and I can't recall one where the bride danced with her FIL. While everyone one was dancing, sure. But not their own dance. 
  
  If my father had not been able to dance with me at my wedding, I would have skipped the dance. 

  I’ve been on the internet for a very long time I just hate curse words I basically have to filter everything out in my head 

  You're doing a great job of this, though.

  
  

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• banana468 member

  

  September 2018

  missJeanLouise said:

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  missJeanLouise said:

  Op. Take a breath. This will all be okay.
  
  There is one thing I am confused on. You have not asked your dad about this, correct? But your mother has? And she is upset about it? But you think your dad will be fine with it?
  
  am I misunderstanding anything so far?
  
  
  

  Deep breath.....Yes I haven’t asked my dad about this I’m sorry I didn’t I should have, yes my mom was upset about it, I just thought after the dance rehearsal with my father in law and my fiancé and his step mom watching but also participating I thought it was ok when I talked to my mom the next morning she yelled at me, soon we were both crying I just need help not yelling. No misunderstandings so far, you’re good 

  
  I still think talking to your dad about how he would want to be included is your best option. If you have to use your mother as an interpreter or just writes notes back and forth, so be it. Maybe it would mean a lot to him just to sway back and forth a couple times with his daughter on her wedding day, maybe a hug would suffice, you won’t truly know until you ask him.
  
  my mom got all upset because I didn’t have a role for my stepdad in the wedding but he didn’t want one so she ended up having to apologize. I know he didn’t want one because I asked him.
  
  I also have not seen spotlight dances between in laws and a bride/groom. I am not saying you can’t do it (I don’t think anyone is), just that doing it once the dance floor is already open might be more appropriate. 
  
  Have you considered dancing with your mom instead of your dad? 

  If she has to filter words I wonder what kind of filter there is for the concept of two women dancing together. 

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• climbingsingle member

  

  September 2018

  Yes, why not dance with your mom? Why are you parents totally cut out of the dances? Hug your dad, and then dance with your mom. 

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  September 2018

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  I don’t think it would be proper to dance with my mom she’s dancing with my fiancé I think she’s had a knee replacement but I don’t know if it would be the same sorry 😐 

  Nothing is going to be the same because it’s not your Dad. 
  
  If you want to dance with your FIL, by all means you should do it. But you asked what people thought and they told you. If you don’t care what people say, then great, you do you! But it seems like you do care...

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• ShesSoCold mod

  

  September 2018

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  I don’t think it would be proper to dance with my mom she’s dancing with my fiancé I think she’s had a knee replacement but I don’t know if it would be the same sorry 😐 

  Good lord how many spotlight dances are you having?!

  
  

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• flantastic member

  

  September 2018

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  I don’t think it would be proper to dance with my mom she’s dancing with my fiancé I think she’s had a knee replacement but I don’t know if it would be the same sorry 😐 

  What?
  
  a) How do you not know if the mother you live with has had a knee replacement? And why would that knee replacement mean she can't dance with you if she's already planning to dance with your FI?
  
  b) Nothing is going to be the same, unless you figure out a way to dance with your dad. So I don't think that should be your limiting factor.
  
  c) So you guys are planning on your FI dancing with his MIL, and you're dancing with your FIL? What's the reasoning there? What are you trying to symbolize? You're already full throwing the "tradition" out the window, in that case, so I think skipping the dances is an equally valid and avant-garde option.

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• missJeanLouise member

  

  September 2018

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  I don’t think it would be proper to dance with my mom she’s dancing with my fiancé I think she’s had a knee replacement but I don’t know if it would be the same sorry 😐 

  How many spotlight dances are you having?
  you and your Fiancé 
  your Fiance and your mom
  you and your FFIL
  is your fiancé also dancing with his mom?
  are any of these happening at the same time or when the dance floor is already open? 

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• banana468 member

  

  September 2018

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  I don’t think it would be proper to dance with my mom she’s dancing with my fiancé I think she’s had a knee replacement but I don’t know if it would be the same sorry 😐 

  I want to make sure I understand:
  -Your mom and your FI will dance with each other.
  -You and your FIL HAVE to dance w/ each other.
  -Your FI and his mom will dance? 
  -You can't dance with your dad because he can't hear and can't walk and you can't buy him a wheelchair.
  -Dancing with your mom is out of the question because her knees are bad and they only let her sway to ONE song and that has to be a spotlight dance with her FSIL.
  -Four letter words and the concept of two women dancing together get filtered.

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• banana468 member

  

  September 2018

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  flantastic said:

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  I don’t think it would be proper to dance with my mom she’s dancing with my fiancé I think she’s had a knee replacement but I don’t know if it would be the same sorry 😐 

  What?
  
  a) How do you not know if the mother you live with has had a knee replacement? And why would that knee replacement mean she can't dance with you if she's already planning to dance with your FI?
  
  b) Nothing is going to be the same, unless you figure out a way to dance with your dad. So I don't think that should be your limiting factor.
  
  c) So you guys are planning on your FI dancing with his MIL, and you're dancing with your FIL? What's the reasoning there? What are you trying to symbolize? You're already full throwing the "tradition" out the window, in that case, so I think skipping the dances is an equally valid and avant-garde option.

  This is our wedding day I can’t skip anything please no more comments 

  It's YOUR wedding.   Why can't YOU make the decisions about what you are and are not skipping? 
  
  Why so many spotlight dances?  
  
  Why can't you just walk up to these people and ask them to dance without the fanfare and orchestration? 
  
  I think you're over-complicating things for the sake of it.   Why are you doing that? ! 

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• flantastic member

  

  September 2018

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  flantastic said:

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  I don’t think it would be proper to dance with my mom she’s dancing with my fiancé I think she’s had a knee replacement but I don’t know if it would be the same sorry 😐 

  What?
  
  a) How do you not know if the mother you live with has had a knee replacement? And why would that knee replacement mean she can't dance with you if she's already planning to dance with your FI?
  
  b) Nothing is going to be the same, unless you figure out a way to dance with your dad. So I don't think that should be your limiting factor.
  
  c) So you guys are planning on your FI dancing with his MIL, and you're dancing with your FIL? What's the reasoning there? What are you trying to symbolize? You're already full throwing the "tradition" out the window, in that case, so I think skipping the dances is an equally valid and avant-garde option.

  This is our wedding day I can’t skip anything please no more comments 

  Your wedding day will be a success if you get married. That's what makes it a wedding day. Sure, we try to plan for the rest and ensure we have meaningful moments and a good party, but at the end of the day, it should be a good day if you get married.
  
  If you keep that as your perspective, you won't get thrown for a loop over the little things.
  
  If you also keep the feelings of your guests and close family and friends in perspective - i.e., acting as if you care about the people you say you care about - then your relationships will grow stronger after the wedding. It's doing what's best for everyone, not having a special dance, that will be a testament to your relationships.

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• ei34 member

  

  September 2018

  Another vote to ask your dad directly how he’d like to be included.  There’s another question on the board right now about a family member with Alzheimer’s- is your father cognitively impaired or just hard of hearing?  If the latter, ask him.  You don’t like any of our suggestions anyway, ask your dad.
  FWIW, I’ve been to weddings with no spotlight dances, with just one (bride/father but not groom/mother) and with both.  There isn’t a tradition that has to be followed for it to be a wedding.  I can totally see why your mom was upset with the thought of you hugging your dad but then dancing with your FFIL in your dad’s place.  

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• flantastic member

  

  September 2018

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  flantastic said:

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  flantastic said:

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  I don’t think it would be proper to dance with my mom she’s dancing with my fiancé I think she’s had a knee replacement but I don’t know if it would be the same sorry 😐 

  What?
  
  a) How do you not know if the mother you live with has had a knee replacement? And why would that knee replacement mean she can't dance with you if she's already planning to dance with your FI?
  
  b) Nothing is going to be the same, unless you figure out a way to dance with your dad. So I don't think that should be your limiting factor.
  
  c) So you guys are planning on your FI dancing with his MIL, and you're dancing with your FIL? What's the reasoning there? What are you trying to symbolize? You're already full throwing the "tradition" out the window, in that case, so I think skipping the dances is an equally valid and avant-garde option.

  This is our wedding day I can’t skip anything please no more comments 

  Your wedding day will be a success if you get married. That's what makes it a wedding day. Sure, we try to plan for the rest and ensure we have meaningful moments and a good party, but at the end of the day, it should be a good day if you get married.
  
  If you keep that as your perspective, you won't get thrown for a loop over the little things.
  
  If you also keep the feelings of your guests and close family and friends in perspective - i.e., acting as if you care about the people you say you care about - then your relationships will grow stronger after the wedding. It's doing what's best for everyone, not having a special dance, that will be a testament to your relationships.

  Of course I care, I’m deeply offended by what you said 

  I'm not saying you don't care. I'm saying that caring is the way to go. That may seem obvious, but a lot of brides do lose that perspective.
  
  I don't know you, so I can't say if you're one of those brides - but the easy response to "My mom and possibly my dad are hurt by this decision" is to figure out if there's a way that works for you and doesn't hurt them. You do seem to have trouble grasping what is and is not truly negotiable for a wedding. I'm trying to help you with that.

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  September 2018

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• missJeanLouise member

  

  September 2018

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  flantastic said:

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  flantastic said:

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  flantastic said:

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  I don’t think it would be proper to dance with my mom she’s dancing with my fiancé I think she’s had a knee replacement but I don’t know if it would be the same sorry 😐 

  What?
  
  a) How do you not know if the mother you live with has had a knee replacement? And why would that knee replacement mean she can't dance with you if she's already planning to dance with your FI?
  
  b) Nothing is going to be the same, unless you figure out a way to dance with your dad. So I don't think that should be your limiting factor.
  
  c) So you guys are planning on your FI dancing with his MIL, and you're dancing with your FIL? What's the reasoning there? What are you trying to symbolize? You're already full throwing the "tradition" out the window, in that case, so I think skipping the dances is an equally valid and avant-garde option.

  This is our wedding day I can’t skip anything please no more comments 

  Your wedding day will be a success if you get married. That's what makes it a wedding day. Sure, we try to plan for the rest and ensure we have meaningful moments and a good party, but at the end of the day, it should be a good day if you get married.
  
  If you keep that as your perspective, you won't get thrown for a loop over the little things.
  
  If you also keep the feelings of your guests and close family and friends in perspective - i.e., acting as if you care about the people you say you care about - then your relationships will grow stronger after the wedding. It's doing what's best for everyone, not having a special dance, that will be a testament to your relationships.

  Of course I care, I’m deeply offended by what you said 

  I'm not saying you don't care. I'm saying that caring is the way to go. That may seem obvious, but a lot of brides do lose that perspective.
  
  I don't know you, so I can't say if you're one of those brides - but the easy response to "My mom and possibly my dad are hurt by this decision" is to figure out if there's a way that works for you and doesn't hurt them. You do seem to have trouble grasping what is and is not truly negotiable for a wedding. I'm trying to help you with that.

  Ok then tell me what I’ll do and I’ll do it, otherwise leave me be 

  Talk to your dad.

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• banana468 member

  

  September 2018

  Dances with parents don't need to happen.   They just don't.   And announced special and choreographed dances don't need to happen.
  
  Also, guests don't want to see them.  A guest wants to see as few spotlight dances as possible.   Now if you want to dance with these people that's great - but guests don't want to attend a show and watch what seems like up to 5 spotlight dances.   They want to see you, talk to you, know that they're happy and know that they aren't forced into you being the entertainment. 
  
  That's just wedding reality.   

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• climbingsingle member

  

  September 2018

  Is  your FI dancing with his mom and your mom? 

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• ShesSoCold mod

  

  September 2018

  Knottiee1eb12191514c72d said:

  eileenrob said:

  Another vote to ask your dad directly how he’d like to be included.  There’s another question on the board right now about a family member with Alzheimer’s- is your father cognitively impaired or just hard of hearing?  If the latter, ask him.  You don’t like any of our suggestions anyway, ask your dad.
  FWIW, I’ve been to weddings with no spotlight dances, with just one (bride/father but not groom/mother) and with both.  There isn’t a tradition that has to be followed for it to be a wedding.  I can totally see why your mom was upset with the thought of you hugging your dad but then dancing with your FFIL in your dad’s place.  

  I’m not trying to replace my dad in this dance, do you want me to report you?

  Friendly note from a mod - your perception of others being rude or offensive to you is not a violation of TOS, unless you are being called names or personally attacked. None of this is happening in this thread.
  
  However, excessive reporting of posts that are not violations, IS a TOS violation and you can receive a warning for it. 
  

  
  

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