A Wrench in the Plan

officernurse · November 2018

My fiance and I have been together nine years. We briefly separated for seven months last year (I dated, he didn't, we both realized that we were only meant to be with each other) and it honestly made our relationship so much better. We got engaged and started planning our wedding while I submitted all my paperwork for the US Navy Reserves. Everything was moving right along (fights with MOB, venue tours, etc) until on our anniversary he told me I needed to go to the doctor because he found A Lump.

Well I did go to the doctor. There was a lump. I had a surgical consult, then surgery, pathology, oncology, then the Official News: I Have Breast Cancer. Another surgery to make sure we got it all, now 20 weeks of chemo and radiation to try an make sure it doesn't come back.

At first I was devastated, now I'm accepting it as a Thing That Happened And I Must Deal With It. I'm trying to get back into planning my wedding, but my parents and family don't want to talk about it. They only want to talk about the Cancer (big
'C' because you can hear it in their voices) and not about the Future (because they're still scared and thinking I'm going to die stage). It's hard to be excited about anything when everyone is all Doom and Gloom all the time. It's ridiculous to stop my entire life because of a medical diagnosis that my team is positive that we're going to beat and this will all be a distant memory.

I'm not sure what the point of this post was. I'm frustrated that no one seems to see me as a person anymore. Now I'm just the Girl With Cancer Who Might Die, a title that I neither want nor claim. I'm the Girl Who Will Live Because I Beat Cancer's Ass, and won't let anyone tell me differently.

ILoveBeachMusic · November 2018

First of all I'm sorry this happened to you but am glad you are getting the medical care necessary and that your prognosis is good.

Have you had a sit down with your family and talked to them about how their behavior is affecting you? I think that would be a good step if you haven't done so. They need to know that you need to continue with your life and plans and need their support. Perhaps they could benefit from some kind of group counseling for families of cancer patients - I'm sure they exist. A positive outlook (which you seem to have) is so important when battling a disease. Your family needs to know how their behavior is impacting you in that arena.

Best of luck!

downtondiva · November 2018

I really admire your attitude and wish you all the best in your recovery.

As for your family, have you talked to them about how they're making you feel? Some people cope with a stressful situation, such as a loved one's illness, by talking about it a lot, but that doesn't mean that your family should be talking about your cancer constantly around you when you would rather be looking to the future. Let them know how frustrating it is not to be seen as a person anymore, and why it's important for you to be able to discuss other things and have something to look forward to. As @ILoveBeachMusic said, they may be well served to find a support group for families of cancer patients. While it's understandable that they are having trouble dealing with this, they don't have to make it harder for you to deal with it.

Jen4948 · November 2018

Best of luck to you! I also like your attitude.

I'm very sorry your family isn't being more supportive. I'm jumping on the "talk to your family" bandwagon along with your PPs. Tell them that you need to focus on living and that it's not helpful that they don't see you in any capacity other than as a cancer patient. As PPs note, they might benefit from joining a support group, but you are not helped by their unwillingness to discuss anything else with you.

MyNameIsNot · November 2018

I'm sorry you've had to deal with cancer, but happy your prognosis is good!

I agree with PPs. Talking to your family is a good step, but a support group may be really helpful. My father beat cancer (10 years of remission in January!), and it was really hard for all of us. We were so scared that he was going to die, and we didn't know what to do. It felt weird and wrong to focus on little things or daily life when "OMG dad could die" was always running through my head. Talking to a friend who had gone through the same thing was incredibly helpful to me, and gave me an outlet outside of the family so that I could be supportive to both of my parents.

Also, you can try to get them to follow your lead. Go ahead and plan the wedding, and act excited to talk about it. When you show that you are excited and ready to move on, it will help "give them permission" to think about something other than the cancer.

MesmrEwe · November 2018

It's time to employ the "Family Chatty Kathy" technique! (The opposite of "Bean Dip!")... It's time to talk with the family chatty Kathy about your feelings of "OMG People - my wedding isn't a freaking funeral to my bachelorette years!! I need a healthy respite from the precautionary chemo to enjoy and plan the wedding and want my nearest and dearest surrounding me and having fun too!"

When my Mom was diagnosed with what then was a fatal condition and we can say she was one of the "Test subjects" for the now cures (Yes, she was in multiple studies to find the CURE, and now is being monitored for any potential residual aspects of the damage done by the condition or treatment), the thing she was up front about was telling people "Pretend you don't know about the diagnosis and treat me like normal - the last thing I want is people treating me differently!"...

Way to go for your FI speaking up to say "there's a lump!" instead of brushing it off!

thisismynickname2 · November 2018

I'm so sorry for your diagnosis and admire your attitude! In addition to what others said... come here to talk about your wedding. We're all here because we like weddings. We'll talk about The Future with you!

A Wrench in the Plan

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