Use your words

mrsconn23 · January 2019

Dear Prudence,

I’m transgender and legally changed my name a few months ago. My parents still use my old name, and I don’t have the courage to correct them over the phone. I live apart from them because I’m a university student, and they call me on a regular basis. My dad probably doesn’t accept me being trans/nonbinary. Mom totally accepts me and has even bought me gender-affirming clothes. How do I correct my parents when they use my old name?

—Too Shy to Speak Up

ShesSoCold · January 2019

Yeah, there's no advice here other than "use your words". I feel for LW but I feel like they are like a lot of LWs and looking for some magical way to let people know how they feel. Well, there is. And it's called speaking.

LW needs to say something or deal with it; I don't see a third option here. A gentle "Mom, my name is Steven now. I know that I've been Nancy to you since I was born but I really need you to stop using that and call me Steven" is hopefully not too anxiety-provoking for LW. Then if it continues, I'd start ending calls as soon as someone says Nancy.

banana468 · January 2019

"Mom I know this is probably a hard thing to get used to but my name is now "X"

VarunaTT · January 2019

I'd try and find parents a support group for this. Honestly, having their own peers tell them they're being douchey AF and to use their child's correct name (hopefully in a more nice and supportive way, I'm in a mood today), will probably be more helpful than anything LW could say, since it's obvious they're being ignored.

charlotte989875 · January 2019

Maybe email them? That way it’s not right on the phone where you’re talking, but you’re also making it clear they’re not respecting your name?

cupcait927 · January 2019

VarunaTT said:

I'd try and find parents a support group for this. Honestly, having their own peers tell them they're being douchey AF and to use their child's correct name (hopefully in a more nice and supportive way, I'm in a mood today), will probably be more helpful than anything LW could say, since it's obvious they're being ignored.

My inlaws could use a support group but I'd doubt they'd ever go. My BIL legally changed his name close to two years ago and my inlaws will still slip up and call him by his old name and use incorrect pronouns. They love their son but are still very much struggling with the change. My MIL wouldn't even change his name in her phone until about a year after he made the announcement.

VarunaTT · January 2019

cupcait927 said:

VarunaTT said:

I'd try and find parents a support group for this. Honestly, having their own peers tell them they're being douchey AF and to use their child's correct name (hopefully in a more nice and supportive way, I'm in a mood today), will probably be more helpful than anything LW could say, since it's obvious they're being ignored.

My inlaws could use a support group but I'd doubt they'd ever go. My BIL legally changed his name close to two years ago and my inlaws will still slip up and call him by his old name and use incorrect pronouns. They love their son but are still very much struggling with the change. My MIL wouldn't even change his name in her phone until about a year after he made the announcement.

There are almost always slip ups; I still use the wrong pronouns for K sometimes. It's all in how you handle it; if you just simply correct yourself and move on, it's usually the most appreciated. Acceptance of a family member does take time and I don't deny anyone that journey. Outright refusal is just cruel.

I actually have a somewhat funny story: My boss is a great ally and is aware that K identifies as non-binary. I guess, what he didn't realize, is K's preferred pronouns are "they, them, theirs." He just 'fessed up that he heard me using they, assumed I had multiple partners or something and was like, "Whatever." And then was reading something of mine on FB and realized I was using they b/c it's a gender neutral pronoun. I just started laughing.

charlotte989875 · January 2019

VarunaTT said:

cupcait927 said:

VarunaTT said:

I'd try and find parents a support group for this. Honestly, having their own peers tell them they're being douchey AF and to use their child's correct name (hopefully in a more nice and supportive way, I'm in a mood today), will probably be more helpful than anything LW could say, since it's obvious they're being ignored.

My inlaws could use a support group but I'd doubt they'd ever go. My BIL legally changed his name close to two years ago and my inlaws will still slip up and call him by his old name and use incorrect pronouns. They love their son but are still very much struggling with the change. My MIL wouldn't even change his name in her phone until about a year after he made the announcement.

There are almost always slip ups; I still use the wrong pronouns for K sometimes. It's all in how you handle it; if you just simply correct yourself and move on, it's usually the most appreciated. Acceptance of a family member does take time and I don't deny anyone that journey. Outright refusal is just cruel.

I actually have a somewhat funny story: My boss is a great ally and is aware that K identifies as non-binary. I guess, what he didn't realize, is K's preferred pronouns are "they, them, theirs." He just 'fessed up that he heard me using they, assumed I had multiple partners or something and was like, "Whatever." And then was reading something of mine on FB and realized I was using they b/c it's a gender neutral pronoun. I just started laughing.

Love that his response to multiple partners was “whatevs”!

OurWildKingdom · January 2019

charlotte989875 said:

Maybe email them? That way it’s not right on the phone where you’re talking, but you’re also making it clear they’re not respecting your name?

I like the e-mail (or snail mail letter) idea.

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