Mom is up in my business.

mrsconn23 · February 2019

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been with my husband for 12 years. He found work in a different state and moved away, but I stayed behind and moved in with my mother. My husband and I worked out a “don’t ask, don’t tell,” semi-open relationship for the time we’ll be apart. I’ve had a few dates and met some cool, interesting folks. The problem is my mother. She sees me going out and having late nights and thinks the worst of me (that I’m cheating, that I’m a bad wife, etc). I don’t think my mother should be privy to the most intimate parts of my relationship with my husband, but she continues to pick fights with me and ask questions she really doesn’t want the answers to. How can I manage this situation?

—Relationship Is Too Open

banana468 · February 2019

OK - can someone familiar with open relationships tell me how they work? The OP is going out with someone who isn't her husband and unless the relationship IS open I think many people question it.

Or is the answer, "This isn't your relationship so knock it the eff off. "

ShesSoCold · February 2019

Hmmm. I'm torn here. Because I'm usually in the camp of "my house, my business", regardless of age. So I think Mom here is okay to be asking and if LW doesn't want to answer, she can move out. But I also wouldn't want to be telling my mom the details of my relationship either, so I get it.

banana468 · February 2019

ShesSoCold said:

Hmmm. I'm torn here. Because I'm usually in the camp of "my house, my business", regardless of age. So I think Mom here is okay to be asking and if LW doesn't want to answer, she can move out. But I also wouldn't want to be telling my mom the details of my relationship either, so I get it.

I'm really on the fence too. And the other part is, "If a relationship is open then who knows about it?"

ei34 · February 2019

I’m projecting my own (close) relationship with my mom onto LW, but I’d just tell mom what I’d worked out with my husband. And then say that we were happy/comfortable with our choice and that it’s not up for discussion. The mom May be more curious than judgy. But if mom still had a running commentary I’d move out.

edit- spelling

ShesSoCold · February 2019

banana468 said:

OK - can someone familiar with open relationships tell me how they work? The OP is going out with someone who isn't her husband and unless the relationship IS open I think many people question it.

Or is the answer, "This isn't your relationship so knock it the eff off. "

So, I don't have experience with open relationships but I doubt they all "work" the same, just like monogamous relationships don't all work the same. Sounds to me like LW and her husband have a quietly open relationship. They know each other may be dating, but aren't telling the entire world that they now have an open relationship.

Which I totally get because I'm sure Mom's judgement and questions here would be a lot more obnoxious if she knew.

banana468 · February 2019

ShesSoCold said:

banana468 said:

OK - can someone familiar with open relationships tell me how they work? The OP is going out with someone who isn't her husband and unless the relationship IS open I think many people question it.

Or is the answer, "This isn't your relationship so knock it the eff off. "

So, I don't have experience with open relationships but I doubt they all "work" the same, just like monogamous relationships don't all work the same. Sounds to me like LW and her husband have a quietly open relationship. They know each other may be dating, but aren't telling the entire world that they now have an open relationship.

Which I totally get because I'm sure Mom's judgement and questions here would be a lot more obnoxious if she knew.

That's why this is tricky and I don't know the rules. I know that if I saw my friend's husband out at a restaurant canoodling with another woman I'd get with her and talk to her and tell her what I saw. But I have friends in an open marriage and then wouldn't think twice about it but I *know* that the marriage was open. So all of this is really confusing because you've engaged in a social and more public component of the open marriage by going out and doing this in front of a relative. So does the relative get to ask questions? I'm honestly curious here.

OliveOilsMom · February 2019

I think because LW is living in her mom's house, the mom needs to know something. I also don't think LW needs to tell mom the entirety of the situation. And if Mom doesn't stop, then LW should move out.

"Mom, this will be the one and only time I tell you this and I will answer no follow-up questions either. H and I have discussed how each of us will act during our large physical separation. I still love him and he still loves me. No one is doing anything that the other spouse doesn't already approve of. I would appreciate if you stop asking me questions about how I spend my time. If this response is not good enough to appease you, please let me know and I will begin to look for a new place to live."

charlotte989875 · February 2019

Find a place to live that isn’t with your mother. She can’t ask questions if she doesn’t know what you’re doing.

flantastic · February 2019

charlotte989875 said:

Find a place to live that isn’t with your mother. She can’t ask questions if she doesn’t know what you’re doing.

This. If you want your life to be private from her, don't live in her house.

DH read something on Reddit (I think?) recently where someone was living with his GF at the GF's parents. He was complaining that GF's dad had too many ways to monitor packages coming to the house and that he had little privacy about what he ordered (presumably because these UPS My Choice, etc. tracking services usually mention where/from what companies things originate).

Response: "You're having your stuff delivered to his house. If you want privacy, have it delivered to your house."

short+sassy · February 2019

Normally I'm in the camp of "a person's business is their business and other people should butt out". But this is her mom who she LIVES with. It is completely ridiculous for the LW to think her mom wouldn't say something to her and judge her, if the mom doesn't know the arrangement.

The LW should find her own place if she wants her privacy and for her mom to stop asking questions. But she can't have her cake and eat it too.

It would upset and bother me also if I thought my hypothetical daughter was blatantly cheating on her H. I might even feel obligated to tell my SIL that his wife is cheating on him. I would be asking normal questions/making comments like, "You're cheating on your H. Is everything okay in your marriage? Are you unhappy? What if your H finds out? It could destroy your marriage." Not that the mother should badger the LW, regardless of what she says. But still. It would be odd for her mom to NOT say something, at least once.

It seems like a lot would be solved to just tell the mom the arrangement that the LW and her H have. TBH, I'm just not understanding why she doesn't. This is her mom, as well as her roommate. Not some casual acquaintance. Maybe the mom wouldn't be understanding about the relationship, but that's a different discussion and issue.

Ro041 · February 2019

I think the issue is that LW isn't doing anything in her mom's house. She is going out and having late nights. I am of the camp that what LW does when she is outside of her mom's house is none of her mom's business. LW doesn't mention bringing flings home or flaunting her activities in mom's face.

charlotte989875 · February 2019

Ro041 said:

I think the issue is that LW isn't doing anything in her mom's house. She is going out and having late nights. I am of the camp that what LW does when she is outside of her mom's house is none of her mom's business. LW doesn't mention bringing flings home or flaunting her activities in mom's face.

It might not be Mom’s business but that doesn’t mean Mom isn’t going to keep asking about it when she sees LW coming and going late at night.

Jen4948 · February 2019

As @charlotte989875 says, your mother is going to question you and pass judgment on anything you do while living in her house. So if you're not living by her standards, expect commentary about that.

That said, you don't owe her a defense or explanation for whom you see. From now on, just tell her, "Thanks" and don't give her any other response when she butts in.

STARMOON44 · February 2019

If you don’t like the judgment, move out.

downtondiva · February 2019

Ultimately, the semi-open relationship isn't really any of Mom's business. I also get that telling her mother could lead to a lot of uncomfortable questions and more arguments. However, LW needs to realize that no matter how old you are, if you're living with your parents, chances are they're at least occasionally going to question your whereabouts. If you're not comfortable telling them and don't want to fight over it, find somewhere else to live.

missJeanLouise · February 2019

I am not sure what LW is doing that couldn’t be explained by just saying “I was out with a friend” or something. Like are her dates picking her up from the house or is she coming home with their clothes on? Or does mother just think that a married woman should be at home if her husband isn’t around?

mrsconn23 · February 2019

missJeanLouise said:

I am not sure what LW is doing that couldn’t be explained by just saying “I was out with a friend” or something. Like are her dates picking her up from the house or is she coming home with their clothes on? Or does mother just think that a married woman should be at home if her husband isn’t around?

I'm wondering if that's the 'judgement', but wouldn't LW know this about her mom?

Also an anecdote re: DH's grandma (who is the worst for so many reasons)...when BIL deployed for a full year a few years ago, she told SIL to not go 'whoring' around on BIL while he was gone "serving our country". SIL told her it was ridiculous and inappropriate for her to say that. Also, from the stories I heard from BIL about deployment debauchery (not his, but his cohorts)...he's the one who needs to be warned about keeping it in his pants. But I digress...

LW should move out if she doesn't want her mom to ask questions about her comings and goings and/or can't be conveniently vague/draw boundaries.

ShesSoCold · February 2019

banana468 said:

ShesSoCold said:

banana468 said:

OK - can someone familiar with open relationships tell me how they work? The OP is going out with someone who isn't her husband and unless the relationship IS open I think many people question it.

Or is the answer, "This isn't your relationship so knock it the eff off. "

So, I don't have experience with open relationships but I doubt they all "work" the same, just like monogamous relationships don't all work the same. Sounds to me like LW and her husband have a quietly open relationship. They know each other may be dating, but aren't telling the entire world that they now have an open relationship.

Which I totally get because I'm sure Mom's judgement and questions here would be a lot more obnoxious if she knew.

That's why this is tricky and I don't know the rules. I know that if I saw my friend's husband out at a restaurant canoodling with another woman I'd get with her and talk to her and tell her what I saw. But I have friends in an open marriage and then wouldn't think twice about it but I *know* that the marriage was open. So all of this is really confusing because you've engaged in a social and more public component of the open marriage by going out and doing this in front of a relative. So does the relative get to ask questions? I'm honestly curious here.

I was reading this totally wrong. I thought you were referring to the rules of having an open relationship, as though every open relationship needs to function the same way and there's a right and wrong way. And I'm thinking, "Uhhh, there's no "rules" for any relationship, Banana! Why would open relationships be different? C'mon!" LOL and for that, I am sorry.

I agree that there's some grey area. Like, nobody needs to tell anyone any details of their relationship, but they also need to understand that people care about them and if they see something that they view as concerning, they're going to worry.

The more I think about this, the more I think LW should talk to her mom. I'd make it as brief and straight to the point as I could. Something like, "Look, Ma, I thank you for your concern for my relationship and that you care for HusbandGuy enough to worry about my whereabouts. But he and I have discussed our relationship and he knows and approves of what I am doing. Please understand this and please stop prying".

Also, one of my favorite movie lines ever is in Ace Ventura when Dan Marino asks him if he has "any more of that gum" and Ace goes, "That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs" and we say that line ALL THE TIME. This is the only scenario I've seen where that's an actual valid response. LOL

banana468 · February 2019

ShesSoCold said:

banana468 said:

ShesSoCold said:

banana468 said:

OK - can someone familiar with open relationships tell me how they work? The OP is going out with someone who isn't her husband and unless the relationship IS open I think many people question it.

Or is the answer, "This isn't your relationship so knock it the eff off. "

So, I don't have experience with open relationships but I doubt they all "work" the same, just like monogamous relationships don't all work the same. Sounds to me like LW and her husband have a quietly open relationship. They know each other may be dating, but aren't telling the entire world that they now have an open relationship.

Which I totally get because I'm sure Mom's judgement and questions here would be a lot more obnoxious if she knew.

That's why this is tricky and I don't know the rules. I know that if I saw my friend's husband out at a restaurant canoodling with another woman I'd get with her and talk to her and tell her what I saw. But I have friends in an open marriage and then wouldn't think twice about it but I *know* that the marriage was open. So all of this is really confusing because you've engaged in a social and more public component of the open marriage by going out and doing this in front of a relative. So does the relative get to ask questions? I'm honestly curious here.

I was reading this totally wrong. I thought you were referring to the rules of having an open relationship, as though every open relationship needs to function the same way and there's a right and wrong way. And I'm thinking, "Uhhh, there's no "rules" for any relationship, Banana! Why would open relationships be different? C'mon!" LOL and for that, I am sorry.

I agree that there's some grey area. Like, nobody needs to tell anyone any details of their relationship, but they also need to understand that people care about them and if they see something that they view as concerning, they're going to worry.

The more I think about this, the more I think LW should talk to her mom. I'd make it as brief and straight to the point as I could. Something like, "Look, Ma, I thank you for your concern for my relationship and that you care for HusbandGuy enough to worry about my whereabouts. But he and I have discussed our relationship and he knows and approves of what I am doing. Please understand this and please stop prying".

Also, one of my favorite movie lines ever is in Ace Ventura when Dan Marino asks him if he has "any more of that gum" and Ace goes, "That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs" and we say that line ALL THE TIME. This is the only scenario I've seen where that's an actual valid response. LOL

Exactly!

Case in point: I STILL feel guilty that years ago I was out with DH and we saw the fiance of a friend of a friend out the same bar as us. She was with a bunch of guys and was clearly getting close to someone else. I looked at DH and we both just tilted our heads and wondered what was going on. There were public kisses happening. It wasn't platonic!

Flash forward two months and we're having dinner with closer friends who are mutual friends of the dude and the husband of the couple says, "Yeah they broke it off. She cheated on him." And I felt like SHIT. Like looking back I should have texted the wife and said, "I think something's off here," but I took the road of "not my business".

But friends of mine in an open marriage if I saw this I wouldn't think twice. And the bottom line is that I don't know what the rules are but as a friend I'm not trying to be in someone's business but STDs are no joke either. And if I thought someone was being cheated on I'd am more likely to open my mouth.

Mom is up in my business.

Re: Mom is up in my business.

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