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Talk to your wife?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
edited February 2019 in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,

My wife and I have been married for about four years. We grew up in the same religion, went to the same university, and have many things in common. But in the years since we first met, I find myself changing rapidly. I have lost all interest in participating actively in our religion. I have also decided I don’t want kids (even though we always assumed we’d have them). My wife is an incredibly patient and understanding woman. She has said nothing to indicate that she is upset with me about these sorts of things. But I can’t help but wonder: Do I owe her an obligation to stay the same person that she married? I mean, if she married me under the assumption that our lives would go on a certain trajectory, and I suddenly (and unpredictably) alter that, am I betraying my vows to her? Do I need to stay the person that I was seemingly destined to become?

—Changed Man
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Re: Talk to your wife?

  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Use your words?


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  • banana468banana468 member
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    You need to talk.   This could be a deal breaker for some and not for others.   But you won't know if you only talk to Prudie. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited February 2019

    I just had a flashback to reading Ibsen's "A Dollhouse".  It's also the question of a does a person stay true to themselves or their family. Edited to fix title and add: I don't want to take away from that it was also a stride toward not viewing women as subservient and with no voice.

    I think it needs to be a compromise.  But, when it can't be a compromise, be true to one's self.

    Like other PPs have said, this is something they need to work out together.  It sounds like he still loves her and wants to stay with her, but no longer shares her religion or desire to have children.  And that last part needs to be his new normal.  He needs to upfront and honest with his wife about that.  No hedging.  She needs to know the truth, so she can make her own fully-informed decision for how she wants to proceed.  I'd also strongly suggest marriage counseling.

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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2019
    He's not obligated the same person that she married, but he is obligated to talk to her about what's going on with him and let her figure out how she wants to deal with it. These are pretty significant changes, especially his no longer wanting children, and he needs to be honest about that. While I know plenty of couples with different religious beliefs, I don't think having or not having children is something anyone can really compromise or "agree to disagree" on.
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  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom member
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    downtondiva said:
    He's not obligated the same person that she married, but he is obligated to talk to her about what's going on with him and let her figure out how she wants to deal with it. These are pretty significant changes, especially his no longer wanting children, and he needs to be honest about that. While I know plenty of couples with different religious beliefs, I don't think having or not having children is something anyone can really compromise or "agree to disagree" on.
    Nailed it. You can’t have half a kid.
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  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
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    You aren’t obligated to stay the same but you are obligated to be honest with your partner. Maybe they will be cool with the change or maybe they will want to find someone else but leading them on, thinking the old plan is the current plan, is unfair.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    I read this one a little different than everyone else. When he says " She has said nothing to indicate that she is upset with me about these sorts of things" I'm gathering that he has talked to her, but he's questioning whether she is really sharing how she feels about these things. It doesn't seem like he even knows how she feels about kids.

    I'm about to jump to all sorts of conclusions. The way he mentions growing up "in a religion" and always assuming they'd have kids, I read that they are from a more conservative religious order where people get married young, aren't really known for strong communication, and the man rules the marriage. In that case, the question he doesn't know how to ask is about how to be a partner with his wife. So, if my wild assumptions are anywhere near correct, counselling is in order. Secular counseling. 
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