Save yourself and stop reading.

mrsconn23 · February 2019

Dear Prudence,

I left my abusive ex some months ago. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I’m working through all of it in therapy. I’m not in contact with him, although he has tried to send messages, which I have ignored. Recently, I found out he’s been talking about me and about the breakup on a publicly accessible forum. On this forum, he switches seamlessly between talking about how much he misses me and continuing to degrade me (like he did in our relationship). I’ve seen him flat-out lying to these strangers, and I’ve also learned things that he lied about to me while we were together. It’s hard not to see all of this as more clues to solve the puzzle of what happened. Whether he seems remorseful one minute or says something incredibly hurtful the next, it feels like validating evidence. Do I need to stop looking? And if so, how? On top of that, I’m also wondering if you see anything morally wrong with reading what he writes. Is this an invasion of privacy on my part, even though the forum is publicly accessible?

—Should I Stop Reading?

banana468 · February 2019

What do you hope to get out of this? You know he's abusive - do you want to know that it gets worse? If he is lying at what point are you seeing what he writes as a lie or a truth?

There is absolutely NOTHING to be gained from reading tales from a lying abuser. If a good story is what you're after then I recommend the fiction section.

climbingsingle · February 2019

Stop reading! There's also no invasion of privacy reading something he posted in an online forum. But again, she should stop. I have a similar story.

The guy I dated right before my H - I was with him for 5 years, and we lived together. He would get very drunk, and very belligerent. I ended the relationship for many reasons, but that was a big part. I continued to live in our shared house for 3 weeks, while I searched and found a new place. The week I was to move out, I had been sleeping at my brother's house, and when I came home in the morning to get ready for work, he had trashed all my stuff. AND he was shitfaced. He left the house, and I decided to move out that day. Only 3 days early. And this motherfucker went and told anyone that would listen that I ended the relationship by moving out, and not telling him. That he came home, and I was just gone. This lie reached a very large number of people I knew. He also posted very nasty things about me on an online forum, and yes, I did look it up.

kvruns · February 2019

I think this would be a great topic for LW to bring up in therapy

short+sassy · February 2019

I'm glad the LW is in therapy. Yes, she absolutely needs to stop reading what her ex writes online, if it is upsetting her and holding her back. It especially doesn't matter since it sounds like it is only strangers he is complaining to.

Not anything at this level, but I had someone I briefly dated who sent me a long e-mail when I broke things off. It started off sad and regretful. But then it started getting mean and angrier and angrier. I understand the temptation! It is a compulsion to read something someone wrote to you or wrote about you. But I forced myself to stop reading it. It was just upsetting me for nothing.

She definitely does not need to feel guilty she read what he has written. It's on a public forum. He doesn't expect privacy. In fact, depending on where he is writing, he might be primarily writing for her. Knowing that she is probably going to read it. It's the one way he can keep up the mind-f**kery, even after they've broken up. Stop giving him that power.

ShesSoCold · February 2019

Yeah there's nothing else to say here except stop reading and talk to your therapist to help resist the temptation.

I get it. I spent months reading and getting all irate at comments on news articles about my cousins's murders. People who never even knew my cousin commenting about how no one cares about one druggie loser killing another druggie loser and that the only thing to be sad about was that his 7 year old niece was killed too, shit like that (he didn't even smoke pot, BTW). It was so upsetting to read but also really hard to stop. LW's gotta find something else to do with her time.

VarunaTT · February 2019

We're closing in on the 3 year anniversary of my divorce. I had kept all correspondence, photos, emails, contacts, etc. from exH. I also had my fake FB profile that I used to check in on him, former MIL, and former BFF that is now his wife. There are a couple of other sites he frequented that I would check too, and yeah, some of them he wrote about me being a narcissist, how I left him homeless, all sorts of nasty things. I just let myself do it and read the things; I knew it would eventually lessen. I'm the sort of person that has to poke at the wound until it heals.

Last month, I deleted all of the emails where he told me how much I hurt him, what a heinous wench I was, how I took advantage of him by taking the credit for the mortgage on the taxes, how I drove him to think about suicide, how I ripped his spine out, all of it (they're deleted, but I can't do anything about how well I remember all of it still). I went through all of my photos and started deleting the ones I didn't want anymore and kept the ones I wanted to. I did keep photos of us together and happy, b/c we WERE that couple...until we weren't. It's okay to remember the good too. I was ready to let it go. When I did that, I checked FB profiles for the first time in IDK how long (where former MIL had managed to passively aggressively post about me!? a few days before, wild as hell).

IOW, I found it easier to just give in to the temptation when I needed to. It does hurt when someone you loved creates a story that makes you the villain, especially when you know you weren't. Another thing I held onto (I should see if I can find it), is that by leaving I had taken the power to be his villain anymore. He can change the past however he likes, but you've taken back control of your future.

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020756/uploads/editor/bd/wrnln4hpaomf.jpg

drunkenwitch · February 2019

ei34 · February 2019

First wishing you healing vibes @climbingwife, @ShesSoCold and @VarunaTT. Wishing you all happiness in the future.
If LW can’t stop from reading the forum they should go ahead, but try not to let it take over your life. Be proud that you were able to leave your ex, what he’s writing and how he’s acting are proof. It’s good they’re in therapy, I agree this is something to discuss.

Not an ex-boyfriend but I’ve had former friends as well as guys who were interested in me that I turned down outright lie about me to others. The good news for LW is that most liars lie to lots of people, about all the things. Others start to pick up on the lying habit, until the liar becomes an unreliable narrator. You don’t know what they’re saying is true anymore so you just don’t believe any of it.

Save yourself and stop reading.

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