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Bridesmaid set date two weeks before my wedding!

lc2019lc2019 member
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in Wedding Woes
Hi all, 
 my fiancé and I got engaged last summer and set our fall wedding date shortly after getting engaged. My best friend was asked to be a bridesmaid and she accepted. She got engaged in December and has just let me know that they have set their wedding date two weeks before mine. I will likely be in her wedding, and she will likely ask me to be MOH. At this point the date is booked and ther’s nothing I can do, but I just feel deflated. I’ve been planning this wedding for 6 months, and now I feel like my thunder has just been stolen. Plus they will be going on their honeymoon immediately following their wedding, but she has told me she will “ make sure they’re home the day before the wedding.” My wedding is very DIY and I was depending on her for help (which I had asked her about doing ages ago), but clearly she won’t be available for these projects anymore. 
I’m also just worried that between to bachelorettes, two showers, and two weddings all within a short time span, the considerable number of guests that overlap both our weddings will be both exhausted and dreading Our wedding by the time it rolls around. 
Am I overreacting? 
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Re: Bridesmaid set date two weeks before my wedding!

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    lc2019 said:
    Hi all, 
     my fiancé and I got engaged last summer and set our fall wedding date shortly after getting engaged. My best friend was asked to be a bridesmaid and she accepted. She got engaged in December and has just let me know that they have set their wedding date two weeks before mine. I will likely be in her wedding, and she will likely ask me to be MOH. At this point the date is booked and ther’s nothing I can do, but I just feel deflated. I’ve been planning this wedding for 6 months, and now I feel like my thunder has just been stolen. Plus they will be going on their honeymoon immediately following their wedding, but she has told me she will “ make sure they’re home the day before the wedding.” My wedding is very DIY and I was depending on her for help (which I had asked her about doing ages ago), but clearly she won’t be available for these projects anymore. 
    I’m also just worried that between to bachelorettes, two showers, and two weddings all within a short time span, the considerable number of guests that overlap both our weddings will be both exhausted and dreading Our wedding by the time it rolls around. 
    Am I overreacting? 
    If you felt the need for your wedding to be a month-long event, you should have let people know and made reservations and plans for your guests for the entire duration of your event. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    lc2019 said:
    Hi all, 
     my fiancé and I got engaged last summer and set our fall wedding date shortly after getting engaged. My best friend was asked to be a bridesmaid and she accepted. She got engaged in December and has just let me know that they have set their wedding date two weeks before mine. I will likely be in her wedding, and she will likely ask me to be MOH. At this point the date is booked and ther’s nothing I can do, but I just feel deflated. I’ve been planning this wedding for 6 months, and now I feel like my thunder has just been stolen. Plus they will be going on their honeymoon immediately following their wedding, but she has told me she will “ make sure they’re home the day before the wedding.” My wedding is very DIY and I was depending on her for help (which I had asked her about doing ages ago), but clearly she won’t be available for these projects anymore. 
    I’m also just worried that between to bachelorettes, two showers, and two weddings all within a short time span, the considerable number of guests that overlap both our weddings will be both exhausted and dreading Our wedding by the time it rolls around. 
    Am I overreacting? 
    Yes,

    You get one day for thunder.  She didn't thunderjack you and she has all the same considerations you had to pay attention to to pick their date too.  Be gracious and excited for your BFF.
    �
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
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    Life does not get put on pause just because you are getting married. And you shouldn't have been expecting your bridesmaid to help you with DIY stuff. 
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    To answer the ultimate question you asked "YES!"...  That said... Time for a cupcake and beverage of choice before regrouping.  Glad you posted this here and not vented to your friend.  

    1) As a DIY bride - here's the CTJ - DIY is not going to save you a penny, it is going to cost you double or more of just having a professional do it once and hire it out.  Really, your time is valuable, and unless you already own 20 whatevers with the add-on supplies, it's costing you FAR more.  If you're DIY flowers, you can go to Sam's or BJ's or Costco's website and order a box of all the flowers pre-arranged so the only thing needing to be done is the night before unpacking them and putting them into water to perk up (I recommend sterlite containers because they're lower than 5 gallon buckets and easier to transport)..  OR, just go in to your local florist with your budget and list of needs, and ask "what can I get for the money" and be flexible!

    2) There are things to DIY instead of purchase because they can be done, alone, by you, months in advance.  Things like your bridal veil $5 in supplies or $10 if you order online premade..  Those pew bows, those too, better yet, skip them a larger piece of cake or an upgraded guest experience is more appreciated!  The monogram on the aisle runner, Amazon and it's shipped to your door without getting a drop of paint or glue on your carpet.  Also, your invitations, nothing says you need to have big fancy invitations, the kits on clearance or a folded 8.5x11 sheet get the same information to people as the $20/invite monogrammed and color coordinated.  Literally, all but 4-5 go in the trash, keep it in perspective.

    3) You get one date, she gets one date.  Remember when you're discussing ideas that she can say the same exact thing as you do for an idea, it doesn't mean it's going to turn out exactly the same even using the same exact vendor!  You could even share the same gown and bridesmaid dresses and no one would know the difference even on the overlapped guest list!  These things seem like huge big things now, but 20 years from now, they won't be, same goes if you both decide to have kids and one gets pregnant before the other.  People won't remember what napkins you had, they will remember if they were shorted a piece of cake or had a horrible time, or if you treated your friends like staff.  Or didn't consider you're both planning weddings, keep things like the showers/bach parties, attire budgets, etc. in check!  Her budget is not your budget, never take offense if she can't afford something and the same goes for you too to just say so.  
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    You can feel however you do about this, but what you can’t do is say anything/do anything/treat her any differently. You and your FI picked a day that worked for you and they did the same. She didn’t do anything wrong here. 

    The only thing I would recommend is that if you’re planning any events for her (and she’s offered to host events for you) is to coordinate on times/dates if there is overlap on the guest list. If you can’t that’s fine, people will do what they can to attend and there isn’t anything to do to change that. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Yes, you are absolutely overreacting. 

    Your BMs and MOH are not your wedding planners/assistants. If you're having a DIY wedding, that means you DIY, along with your FI. If someone OFFERS  help, great. But you don't assign tasks to your bridal party. 

    Your thunder is not being stolen. You each get one day. That's it. My cousin planned her wedding for 3 weeks before mine. There were no issues. My day didn't feel less special. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    Agree with the other PPs.  You each get one day and your friend isn't doing anything wrong.  Sometimes we can't help our feelings, but don't mention your angst to her or any mutual friends.

    Try to redirect your perception and think of the positives.  Both you and your BFF have found your soulmates and are getting married!  In the grand scheme of things, that is by far what is the most important and what matters.  Plus, you all can go wedding talk crazy with each other.  When I was engaged, I tried to rein that in so I didn't drive my friends nuts.  But I'm sure I wasn't always successful, lol.

    With that said, think about if you'll be too busy or funds will be too tight to be in her WP, it's perfectly fine to decline that honor if it will be too much so close to your own wedding.

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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    edited February 2019
    Oh this makes me miss Hmo.  "Thunderjackers are on the move, thunderjackers are on the loose..."  ;)

    Anyway, if y'all are BFF's then I'm sure you can make sure to coordinate dates for certain things...but weddings 2 weeks apart isn't anything to freak about.  And DIY is over-hyped.  Sandra Lee was on to something with her idea of 'semi-homemade'.  :D  You make a frillion decisions when it comes to a wedding, so my advice is to make it as easy on yourself as possible.

    IF you have someone willing to help with an idea or make something for you, a) make sure you work with them and/or compensate them for their time (it doesn't have to be $$, but a small gift or a nice bottle of wine or something) and b) you may need to scale it from your 'vision' to actual reality.  

    Good luck and how fun to have this time with your BFF where you're both planning important days in your life and can share the experience. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    Yes - it's ultimately unreasonable to even feel this way.

    I'll address a few things:
    1) If your BF is setting her date as plenty of people do it's factoring in when they want to be married, where they want to be married, time that works for their officiant and time that works for their VIPs.   In general, most people consult with the immediate family members before booking a date.   While I really wanted all the members of our WP to be in attendance, our immediate family members were the deal breakers.   YES, I would have been sad if my MOH or BMs could not have made it but those who NEEDED to be there were our parents, siblings, grandparents, etc.   We cleared the date with them in advance.   Your BF probably has done this with her core group as well.   And if she isn't that is also OK.   She clearly took your date into consideration because she stated that she'll be back in town in time for your wedding.   You are clearly a priority for her but you aren't THE priority for her.   I have to believe that you feel the same way.   

    2) DIY anything needs to be done by you and your FI.   And if she's on board for projects because you asked nicely then those can be done by way of things that happen well in advance of her wedding.   Anything else you may want to reconsider doing DIY or asking for other help.   Only you can decide if the DIY aspects are worth it or if it's just easier to pay someone else to do it.   But her getting married and not being labor for your projects needs to not be a factor in any of this.   

    3) Any pre wedding parties like showers or bachelorettes are thrown for and not by you.   And those are extras and really shouldn't be counted on as sure things.   Beyond that, I'm guessing that you're at an age where tons of friends are getting married.   And if that's the case I'm going to suggest that you/friends think long and hard about any events that DO get expensive because they add up.   And it should be about the time and not the expense that makes anything.   Also, if for some reason the timing doesn't work out for a bachelorette remember that you CAN get together with these friends after the wedding. 

    It's SO EASY to get wrapped up in wedding planning like your life leads to this point but the reality is that it doesn't.   Your wedding is a beginning time.   Hopefully you still have the rest of your lives to lead, plan and enjoy.   And in all of that, I hope you consider focusing on not that event but on those who were with you on life's journey.  

    I'm married 11 years now and our wedding is a distant memory.   But my core friends and family who have been with DH and me through our wedding, births of kids, deaths of loved ones and life's ups and downs are what counts.   It doesn't make your wedding day a HUGE one but please try to calm down and focus on the big picture here.   It helps to put things in perspective.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    banana468 said:


    I'm married 11 years now and our wedding is a distant memory.   But my core friends and family who have been with DH and me through our wedding, births of kids, deaths of loved ones and life's ups and downs are what counts.   It doesn't make your wedding day a HUGE one but please try to calm down and focus on the big picture here.   It helps to put things in perspective.
    Yes.  DH and I talked about how differently we'd do the wedding thing now. We'd totally scale back what we did (church wedding and country club reception) in favor of spending less $$.  I had a nice wedding day, but all the rest of your paragraph is definitely how I feel 12.5 years in to marriage and over 15 years together. 
    Totes!   I still think there may not have been much that I changed for the event itself although we were lucky that we had help.   But I would have definitely scaled back things that were "so important" and I wouldn't have obsessed over every detail like I did.   


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  • Ro041Ro041 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Yes, you are overreacting.  

    Even if she offered (note I said "offered" and not "was asked") to help you DIY, she has her own life and her own wedding to plan.  You should enlist your FI to help you DIY if you friend isn't available.  If she is available, make sure you are available to help her DIY.  Again, your friend has her own life and will have her own wedding to plan.

    You get one day.  She gets one day.  They happen to be close to each other.  

    At the end of the day, this is your friend.  I assume she's a really good friend since she is in your wedding.  She's not some random who you should be petty towards.  Be happy for her.  

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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I had a cousin that, right after my invitations had been sent out, set his wedding date for the week before mine (fast engagement on his part).  A couple of my older relatives ended up skipping his because they couldn't manage two trips in two weeks.  If there is a lot of overlap in the two weddings, then there's a small possibility your or your BFF's guest list will be slightly smaller, but it shouldn't be too big a deal.  

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  • banana468banana468 member
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    kerbohl said:
    I had a cousin that, right after my invitations had been sent out, set his wedding date for the week before mine (fast engagement on his part).  A couple of my older relatives ended up skipping his because they couldn't manage two trips in two weeks.  If there is a lot of overlap in the two weddings, then there's a small possibility your or your BFF's guest list will be slightly smaller, but it shouldn't be too big a deal.  
    Yeah I think it's really best to check with FAMILY when scheduling weddings.  But even then I think you just need to verify with the key family.

    BIL and SIL were married 3 weeks before DH's cousin and his wife.   There were overlapping guests but in the end the main determining issue was travel that made some guests choose not to attend BIL's.   


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  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom member
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    I’m not usually a fan of telling people how they should feel, but I’m going to say two things: 1) Be happy for your friend and grateful you have someone going through this with you. 2) If you can’t, maybe you’re not mature enough to get married.
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