Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Woes
Wedding Woes
New Discussion

Yeesh...Get thee to therapy

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,

After 27 years of marriage and three children, my wife left. She didn’t even tell me to my face—I came home to an empty house and a letter detailing all my faults as a husband and a man. She was unhappy and had been waiting for years until our youngest was off to college. She met someone else; he made her feel like a “real woman.” This killed me. I have never cheated on my wife, always bought her flowers on Sunday, and took her out for our anniversary and her birthday. My parents were married for 60 years, and I thought we would be too. She spent all of the fall with her lover and never returned my calls. I finally got a lawyer after Christmas. He filed the papers. Then, out of the blue, my wife left me a message. Things didn’t “work out,” she made a mistake, and she wants to come home. I don’t want her to. A month ago, two months ago, I was praying for this, but not now. Our kids are ecstatic; Christmas was really hard on them. I don’t know what to do.

—Came Back Too Late
Report Reply to Post

Re: Yeesh...Get thee to therapy

  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Lots to unpack here:
    1) They BOTH need therapy and perhaps couples therapy together.

    2) This reads as a mechanical relationship although I hope it's just a short letter.   "I took her out for our anniversary and her birthday and bought her flowers every Sunday" sounds...routine.   So is there any blame on him for not talking to her more, giving her something else or maybe going out to other dinners?  These seem to be paper-laden facts and not much else.   So while I'm not saying that he deserves to be left I also wonder what else went on and did they communicate with each other.

    3) Wife sounds like a bad communicator flat out but also like so much of this is disingenuous.  Leaving a spouse with a letter and no communication is heartbreaking.   She clearly moved on when she found a suitable replacement but that wasn't discussed.   And now that the new relationship has fizzled (maybe the new beau didn't want more than the fling?) and now she's coming back implying that he's a fill-in.   We advocate all the time that you don't replace your WP - you sure as shit don't replace your spouse implying that he's your back up.

    If the youngest is in college I'm surprised that the kids are ecstatic.   Something is not making sense if they are just hoping for perfection and living in Pleasantville.  
    Report Reply
  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I wouldn’t want her back either but I am an ‘Ex’s are dead to me’ type of person. 

    It it doesn’t surprise me that the kids would be ecstatic. All the people I know who parents waited until they were out of school had a much harder time dealing with their parents breakup than people who’s parents split when they were young.
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    missJeanLouise said:
    I wouldn’t want her back either but I am an ‘Ex’s are dead to me’ type of person. 

    It it doesn’t surprise me that the kids would be ecstatic. All the people I know who parents waited until they were out of school had a much harder time dealing with their parents breakup than people who’s parents split when they were young.
    That's interesting.   I've seen both: some where the kids are super sad and others where the kids made the suggestion for Mom or Dad to leave because the other parent suck diddly-ucked. 
    Report Reply
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    Ugh, poor guy. He's clearly her backup at this point and she never expected to be alone so good for him for not taking her back. But, I am a master grudge-holder and I regularly cut off my nose to spite my face. So I would tell her to eff off and move on with my life. But if LW really does want her back, I obviously suggest counseling. Counseling for him alone for sure, but that would be a HUGE mountain of issues to work through, if they both want to so they'd absolutely need couple's counseling.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    Report Reply
  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I only know a few people who parents got divorced as adults but they are generally more shocked, hurt, and it takes longer for them to get over it than the people I know who parents did it earlier. I think it has to do with the thought that while their parents relationship isn’t perfect they have lasted this long... . If LW was in the dark about his wife’s unhappiness, maybe the kids were too. Maybe they see this as a wrinkle in an otherwise happy marriage... regardless, I wouldn’t take her back. Fuck that shit.
    Report Reply
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    missJeanLouise said:
    I wouldn’t want her back either but I am an ‘Ex’s are dead to me’ type of person. 

    It it doesn’t surprise me that the kids would be ecstatic. All the people I know who parents waited until they were out of school had a much harder time dealing with their parents breakup than people who’s parents split when they were young.
    Interesting. My parents split when my youngest sibling started college. I really didn't find it all that surprising or upsetting, because I knew how unhappy they were, especially my mother. I'd known for years that they were sticking it out "for the kids" and thought it was stupid. My sister had a much harder time; I think because she was younger and didn't see as much as I'd seen. They ended up getting back together a few years later and I told my mom she was making a mistake. Mom is back to unhappy, but it's up to her to do something about it. Now that she's an adult, my sister also sees how unhappy mom is. 

    It sounds like LW was too disconnected to see how unhappy the wife was, so not surprising that the kids didn't see it. Either way, family counselling is in order. 
    Report Reply
  • flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited February 2019
    I think LW should do cordial family gatherings like any divorced parent, and hopefully that's enough for the kids. I do understand why as a kid you would desperately want your parents to reconcile and you just figure that it's not been too long and they probably haven't moved on yet. However, he has, and the underlying issues aren't fixed.

    (Also, why do the kids know? Did LW tell them, or is the wife using their desire for a whole family as emotional manipulation to push LW into taking her back?)

    I agree with PP that she just doesn't want to be alone. She's not really contrite, and she's not made any suggestions of how they could together work to improve the relationship. She just wants her old wife job back after she quit and burned her bridge.
    Report Reply
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Unfortunately for those kids, I don't see a happy ending. It's a good thing he's in therapy, but just walking out on one's spouse for another partner with no warning and then expecting to nonchalantly walk back in because "it didn't work out" with that partner is a non-starter. Those kids would be better off with a therapist who can help them see that the best, most realistic thing they can do for themselves is accept that the separation is permanent and for their parents to have a cordial but distant relationship.
    Report Reply
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Jen4948 said:
    Unfortunately for those kids, I don't see a happy ending. It's a good thing he's in therapy, but just walking out on one's spouse for another partner with no warning and then expecting to nonchalantly walk back in because "it didn't work out" with that partner is a non-starter. Those kids would be better off with a therapist who can help them see that the best, most realistic thing they can do for themselves is accept that the separation is permanent and for their parents to have a cordial but distant relationship.

    I dated a guy for two years who was in his mid-late 20s.  His parents, who had been together for over 25 years, separated about halfway through our relationship.  It wasn't mutual.  His dad walked out on his mom and she was devastated.  TBH, the dad was very self-centered and sleazy all around.  He had walked out on her a few times in the early years of their marriage, but always returned.  And then seemed to settle down after their only child together (my ex) was born.  As he neared retirement, his wanderlust hit again and he moved out.  This time, he didn't come back.

    My ex seemed to take it as well as could be expected.  I think he hoped his parents would work out their differences and get back together, but wasn't pushy about it.  But mainly wanted them to be happy, whether that was together or apart.

    However, our relationship started to slowly change!  He started to distance himself from me.  Questioned if he even wanted to get married someday.  The relationship I had with his mom changed right away after her H left her.  She went from being loving and friendly to treating me like I was the other woman.  But was very careful to not be blatant.  He and his mom were very close and I know she bad-mouthed me to him.  But in that same fake "concerned" type of way, that was really just a smokescreen to point out my faults without her sounding like she was a combatant.

    At any rate, he broke up with me about a year after his parent's separation.  I highly doubt we would have broken up at that point in time (maybe never), if it hadn't been for what happened to his parents.  I wish I'd suggested counseling for him and his mom, they both were in bad places and needed it, but I was pretty young and unworldly myself at the time and it didn't occur to me.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    missJeanLouise said:
    I only know a few people who parents got divorced as adults but they are generally more shocked, hurt, and it takes longer for them to get over it than the people I know who parents did it earlier. I think it has to do with the thought that while their parents relationship isn’t perfect they have lasted this long... . If LW was in the dark about his wife’s unhappiness, maybe the kids were too. Maybe they see this as a wrinkle in an otherwise happy marriage... regardless, I wouldn’t take her back. Fuck that shit.
    H parents split when he was in university.  He knew they were unhappy, but still wanted them to get back together, and it devastated him.  I don't know if things would have been better if they had split earlier, but it has had lasting effects.  His sister was younger, but she's also got a skewed look on relationships now.  It's a sad situation regardless of when it happens I suppose.  
    Sorry I'm late to the Prudie Party - I was on vacation.  

    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards