Oh HELL no.

mrsconn23 · February 2019

Dear Prudence,

I am the mother of two beautiful girls, “Lily” who’s 8 and “Ramona” who’s 6. Lily is an introvert and a bookworm, while Ramona has enough energy for five kids and loves to play outside. Lily also enjoys trips to the park and other outdoorsy destinations, but she likes to bring a book wherever we go. Both girls are perfectly healthy and in a totally appropriate weight range, but because of Ramona’s more active appearance, my mother-in-law thinks Lily is overweight. And she mentions it every time she visits. She will always make a comment about Lily’s weight and compare her to Ramona. I have told her to stop a number of times, but she just waves me off and claims to be “concerned.” I have told her there is nothing to be concerned about, but she won’t stop. My husband won’t say anything to her and just told me to ignore her, but now Lily is starting to catch on and worry about her weight. Now I am ready to cut all contact and just be done, but when I said that, my husband got upset. I am at the end of my rope!

—“Itty-Bitty and Fatty Fat”

ShesSoCold · February 2019

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
I am the mother of two beautiful girls, “Lily” who’s 8 and “Ramona” who’s 6. Lily is an introvert and a bookworm, while Ramona has enough energy for five kids and loves to play outside. Lily also enjoys trips to the park and other outdoorsy destinations, but she likes to bring a book wherever we go. Both girls are perfectly healthy and in a totally appropriate weight range, but because of Ramona’s more active appearance, my mother-in-law thinks Lily is overweight. And she mentions it every time she visits. She will always make a comment about Lily’s weight and compare her to Ramona. I have told her to stop a number of times, but she just waves me off and claims to be “concerned.” I have told her there is nothing to be concerned about, but she won’t stop. My husband won’t say anything to her and just told me to ignore her, but now Lily is starting to catch on and worry about her weight. Now I am ready to cut all contact and just be done, but when I said that, my husband got upset. I am at the end of my rope!
—“Itty-Bitty and Fatty Fat”

Oh FUCK THIS. NOPE. I don't have or even LIKE kids but if anyone made my daughter - my EIGHT YEAR OLD daughter - insecure and didn't listen to me, snip snip, bitch. Cutting you right TF out of our lives.

The H is a separate and maybe bigger issue. He'd rather nurture unhealthy body image and self esteem in his young daughters than stand up to Mommy here? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE.

Oh I am all mad.

banana468 · February 2019

1) You and your H need to get on the same page. Tell him that YOU can ignore her but it's not about YOU. It's about the impressionable 8 yo who is about to go through puberty and her grandmother is going to be a contributing factor to body image issues not to mention that it's a dick thing to do. Your H needs to put his mom in her place or your H needs to be put in HIS PLACE.

2) That's it. Until your H and you are aligned about how this is incredibly hurtful behavior you're not on board. Your H is spineless and not putting his child first.

Eff that noise.

ei34 · February 2019

Can the HELL in the title be like 2085 times bigger? That's how I said it in my head when I read this. LW had a MIL problem until the last three sentences when it became a H problem. He'd rather keep the peace with mommy even if it means his daughter's self esteem takes a hit. 8 is right on the cusp of that age where many girls start to feel self-conscious about their size. I was going to suggest not letting the MIL around the girls if she couldn't stop mentioning weight, but LW can't do that with her H. Although he does need a reality check. I'd make him come along to Lily's next well visit and let him hear the doctor say "she's a perfectly healthy weight". And I'd ask Lily to leave the room and tell the dr about what MIL is saying in front of H, and let him hear the dr's thoughts. This is sooo sad.

charlotte989875 · February 2019

I mean they should be in the same page, but they’re not so until the husband gets his head out of his ass and sees how harmful this is LW needs to shut down any of these conversations and be clear to granny that this isn’t going to keep happening.

Be done with visits until granny stops. And it would be good for your daughter to see you stand up for her.

ShesSoCold · February 2019

One of my facebook friends, a former Knottie, actually posted this the other day. She's friends with this mom. My eyes welled up reading it. I've had chronic and sometimes debilitating body issues for my entire life and I was diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder at 12 (I think). And to think that this is the GRANDMOTHER of this little girl is so disgustingly awful. Little girls have enough going on without their loved ones causing them to second guess their beauty and worth.

https://www.lovewhatmatters.com/we-need-to-talk-about-her-weight-the-doctor-then-looks-at-her-and-says-i-think-you-are-old-enough-to-start-using-exercise-equipment-too-are-you-kidding-m/

short+sassy · February 2019

Isn't it disgusting, traumatizing, and hateful enough that society and media, in general...including our own POTUS...only value how women look? They're bombarded with it even before they talk and can understand it. It's sometimes blatant but, even worse, it's also done sub-consciously and pervasively.

Does a child's own immediate family really need to be jumping on that bandwagon also? The grandmother is emotionally abusing this child and the LW needs to protect her child and put a hard-line stop on it. Whether her H agrees or not. I know that is easier said than done. But it's that serious because this 8-year-old child is already feeling insecure about her body image and that is heart-breaking and infuriating.

Casadena · February 2019

This is fucking awful. Do not let Gma around your daughter if you can help it and if she is and says something, do not be afraid to get angry in front of people. Also, your H is a dick.

downtondiva · February 2019

eileenrob said:

Can the HELL in the title be like 2085 times bigger? That's how I said it in my head when I read this. LW had a MIL problem until the last three sentences when it became a H problem. He'd rather keep the peace with mommy even if it means his daughter's self esteem takes a hit. 8 is right on the cusp of that age where many girls start to feel self-conscious about their size. I was going to suggest not letting the MIL around the girls if she couldn't stop mentioning weight, but LW can't do that with her H. Although he does need a reality check. I'd make him come along to Lily's next well visit and let him hear the doctor say "she's a perfectly healthy weight". And I'd ask Lily to leave the room and tell the dr about what MIL is saying in front of H, and let him hear the dr's thoughts. This is sooo sad.

This is a great idea. Husband needs to understand just how damaging this could end up being for Lily. Granny is setting her up for some serious body image issues, as well as possibly being resentful of her sister if she thinks Ramona is being seen as the fun thin pretty one while she's being seen as the sad fat kid. I don't think most men get how devastating it can be for young girls to hear negative things said about their appearance, or just how early body image issues can start.

I also think that the visits to MIL should be cut back or cut out until she learns to stop harping on Lily's weight. And tell her why.

OurWildKingdom · February 2019

ShesSoCold said:

One of my facebook friends, a former Knottie, actually posted this the other day. She's friends with this mom. My eyes welled up reading it. I've had chronic and sometimes debilitating body issues for my entire life and I was diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder at 12 (I think). And to think that this is the GRANDMOTHER of this little girl is so disgustingly awful. Little girls have enough going on without their loved ones causing them to second guess their beauty and worth.

https://www.lovewhatmatters.com/we-need-to-talk-about-her-weight-the-doctor-then-looks-at-her-and-says-i-think-you-are-old-enough-to-start-using-exercise-equipment-too-are-you-kidding-m/

My heart goes out to this girl and her mom. I was always the tallest and biggest girl in my class till about eighth grade or so, and I developed early. I’ve been hearing unsolicited advice about my weight since I was a preteen. I am making efforts to lose weight now, but unfortunately, my default when I’m stressed is to eat. With a demanding job, political and committee work, and contending with both my own and DW’s mental health, I’m stressed a lot.

maine7mob · March 2019

I do not know a single woman who has benefited health-wise from being told she is fat. My own daughter, who is not overweight, has body image issues just because she lives in a society that values extreme thinness. She's now expecting her first child and has asked me how long it took me to lose my pregnancy weight. It makes me sick that people think a woman's worth is in her size

kerbohl · March 2019

I know childhood obesity is a thing, but I don't get the whole commenting on children's weight before puberty. Do people still remember that there is a thing called "baby fat", and that is how kids are supposed to look? You know, the cute chubby cheeks and all that? Bodies have to grow and sort themselves out - let them do their thing and don't try to mess with the natural order of things but imposing society's impossible standards on children.

Anyone watch the cartoon Archer? This reminds me of Malory calling the baby fat right after she's born and only on breast milk.

short+sassy · March 2019

kerbohl said:

I know childhood obesity is a thing, but I don't get the whole commenting on children's weight before puberty. Do people still remember that there is a thing called "baby fat", and that is how kids are supposed to look? You know, the cute chubby cheeks and all that? Bodies have to grow and sort themselves out - let them do their thing and don't try to mess with the natural order of things but imposing society's impossible standards on children.

Anyone watch the cartoon Archer? This reminds me of Malory calling the baby fat right after she's born and only on breast milk.

This comment is not directed at you, @kerbohl. But a problem in our society is most people equate being obese or heavy with not eating right or exercising enough. And while there can be a correlation between those things, they are NOT the same thing! And, even if it is a major factor for a particular person, so what? The most important thing is health. I think genetics and metabolism play as big, if not an even bigger role in people's weight.

People, including children, should generally eat healthy meals as the majority of their diet and get some daily exercise. But that's for health reasons.

Malory is such a great character! She's my favorite. I'm always impressed, whether in a cartoon/movie/tv show, when writers create a character who is a really terrible person...but just so funny in their outrageousness that you like them anyway. She also offered Lana money to have the baby baptized in (I think) a Catholic church.

GBCK · March 2019

hell, I do't get commenting on it during puberty.
Activity level questions? diet questions? sure.
But man, puberty when hormones go all cattywhompus? That seems like a godawful thing to comment on.
PUberty is a hard time for body shapes

Oh HELL no.

Re: Oh HELL no.

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