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Wedding Woes

Second Opinion with Your DAUGHTER'S Doctor

Dear Prudence,
My daughter is 11 and trans. I admit I am not entirely OK with this (it is scary, and I worry we aren’t doing everything right), but I try to keep that to myself. It seems to be right for her, and that’s what is important. Our rule has been that she can’t do anything irreversible until she is 18, which was the same for her older brother with tattoos, so she has accepted it with good grace for now. However, we did decide to do puberty blockers, since puberty isn’t reversible either, and it would make transition easier for her later, if that’s what she pursues.

However, my sister-in-law is a doctor, and when she found out we were considering it, she listed off all these awful side effects and said that it was a terrible idea. She said if we went ahead, she’d have to consider reporting us to child protective services. My daughter was devastated and scared, and so was I. My initial reaction was to deny the blockers, since plenty of people who are trans went through puberty, but I have thought about it, and all medication has potential side effects. I am on medication for my skin that lists death as a possible complication. I take that because the benefits outweigh the small risk. I think we should go ahead, but this little voice in my head keeps saying, “She is a doctor.” Am I making a mistake?
—Doctor or Doom-monger? 

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Re: Second Opinion with Your DAUGHTER'S Doctor

  • In our society, I think we put medical doctors a wee bit too much on pedestals. They can give bad/wrong advice just like anybody else does.  Like @climbingwife, I've had doctors make incorrect assumptions, give me advice/info that I know is wrong.

    And what kind of doctor IS the SIL?  There aren't many specialties I would even give much credence to their opinion, on this issue.  I agree with @charlotte989875.  They should take their daughter to a doctor who specializes and/or has expertise in this area.

    But let me take a moment to also say "WOW!!!  WTF!?!?!" with the SIL?!?  These drugs are a PRESCRIPTION medication.  So, if a doctor who has actually examined the daughter feels comfortable prescribing this medication, then how exactly would that ever be construed as child abuse, smh?  That would be atrocious for anyone to say, but out of the mouth of an immediate family member is especially infuriating.  I would limit my daughter's contact with the SIL, if not outright forbid it.
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    OurWildKingdomVarunaTT
  • ei34ei34 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited May 9
    One of H's cousins is a handyman but he does a shitty job, so after two botched things (yes, he got a second chance, wasn't worth the fight with H) he's not our go-to guy.  Just bc a family member is in a particular line of work doesn't mean they're the only show in town.  Agree with @short+sassy , ask your daughter's doctor, and super agree with @charlotte989875 , stop discussing your daughter's medical decisions with people outside of your immediate circle, until she's old enough to feel okay with that.

    edit- originally wrote "dog" instead of "doctor" lol
    short+sassycharlotte989875OurWildKingdom
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    There's definitely a divide within the endocrinological community about whether the puberty blockers are worth stunting the normal non-sexual body growth functions (bone density, etc) that the puberty hormones aid with.

    Ergo, any pediatric endo who is willing to prescribe the blockers should be well aware of the risks and side effects. Talk to one of them about the risks, knowing they're willing to take those risks, and decide with your child what's worth it to you.
    ILoveBeachMusicOurWildKingdom
  • eileenrob said:
    One of H's cousins is a handyman but he does a shitty job, so after two botched things (yes, he got a second chance, wasn't worth the fight with H) he's not our go-to guy.  Just bc a family member is in a particular line of work doesn't mean they're the only show in town.  Agree with @short+sassy , ask your daughter's doctor, and super agree with @charlotte989875 , stop discussing your daughter's medical decisions with people outside of your immediate circle, until she's old enough to feel okay with that.

    edit- originally wrote "dog" instead of "doctor" lol
    It's so funny you say that!  We have a casual friend with years of construction experience and works f/t for a local GC.  But he does side jobs in his spare time.  In the first couple years we owned our house, we contacted him numerous times about work we needed done.  Only one time did he actually come out to give us a quote on the work and we did use him for that job.  His work was fine on it.

    We eventually stopped calling him because he never got back to us.  But then when we occasionally ran into him, we'd all start talking shop and he'd be like, "Oh!  You should have called me I could have done (insert job)!"  
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    ei34
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 9
    Talk to your daughter's doctor, FFS. And get yourself in therapy and get over your "not entirely ok" with your daughter being yourself herself.

    Keep all of your kids' medical business private. If SIL brings it up again, tell her that you will be reporting her to the state licensing board. It can't be ethical to be giving unsolicited medical advice in an area that isn't her specialty, and then threatening to file a false abuse report if the parent ignores said unsolicited advice. 

    ETA: Words that make sense.
    banana468OurWildKingdom
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Talk to your daughter's physician and/or get a referral to a doctor specializing in trans children at puberty.

    And also tell SIL to BTFO and if she DOES report you to any authority you'll also report her to the medical board authorizing her license to practice. 
    OurWildKingdom
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Talk to your daughter's doctor, FFS. And get yourself in therapy and get over your "not entirely ok" with your daughter being yourself.

    Keep all of your kids' medical business private. If SIL brings it up again, tell her that you will be reporting her to the state licensing board. It can't be ethical to be giving unsolicited medical advice in an area that isn't her specialty, and then threatening to file a false abuse report if the parent ignores said unsolicited advice. 
    And maybe a HIPPA violation?
    MyNameIsNotOurWildKingdom
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    banana468 said:
    Talk to your daughter's doctor, FFS. And get yourself in therapy and get over your "not entirely ok" with your daughter being yourself.

    Keep all of your kids' medical business private. If SIL brings it up again, tell her that you will be reporting her to the state licensing board. It can't be ethical to be giving unsolicited medical advice in an area that isn't her specialty, and then threatening to file a false abuse report if the parent ignores said unsolicited advice. 
    And maybe a HIPPA violation?
    Probably not HIPPA because the patient isn’t technically under her care. This sounds like unsolicited advice. It’s ethically ambiguous (if not downright wrong) of course and she could face license and legal ramifications if her advice resulted in patient harm. If the SIL did report to CPS I would absolutely report to the medical board. Hell, I’d be tempted to report her anyways. Fuck people and their biases affecting individuals’ health care. You’re a medical professional. Be a medical professional and leave your personal shit out of it. If you can’t do that then you have no place in healthcare. 


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    charlotte989875short+sassyOurWildKingdomredwoodoriginal
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