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Wedding Woes

Counseling

My husband is kind, treats me well, and has stood by me through many ups and downs, even moving across the country with me to be closer to my elderly father. We used to be extremely intimate, but 14 years later there is no longer any sexual chemistry. Try as I might, he does not respond and seems put off by my advances. I have absolutely no reason to doubt his fidelity; I think it is physical and have asked him to address it with a doctor. He has not done so. He seems fine with the status quo, and since he saw me through a patch of low desire, I feel I owe it to him to be patient.

Still, I can’t go on like this. I am stuck. I am comfortable living alone, so that shouldn’t be a problem. However, my identity is defined with him as my partner, and it’s hard to bear the thought of him not being around. He is my best friend, after all. I am really starting to wonder if I would be better off single. This is such a difficult decision. Do I choose stability and companionship over living a fully independent lifestyle where I am free to explore as I please? This would be a second divorce for me, and I don’t know if I can bear it. I am so confused.
—Is Life Really Too Short for This? 

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Re: Counseling

  • edited May 9
    I’m curious as to how long there hasn’t been any sex, but really I don’t think this is what it’s about (shocking for Prudie, I know!)

    Why is the first thought after he didn’t bring it up to the doctor to wonder about divorce and life as a single person? That doesn’t seem like a logical leap to me unless there is much more to the story. 
    short+sassyOurWildKingdom
  • I’m curious as to how long there hasn’t been any sex, but really I don’t think this is what it’s about (shocking for Prudie, I know!)

    Why is the first thought after he didn’t bring it up to the doctor to wonder about divorce and life as a single person? That doesn’t seem like a logical leap to me unless there is much more to the story. 
    I was curious about that also.  It would be great if the H would go to couples counseling with the LW.  But, if he refuses, I think the LW should at least get individual counseling.  It might help them decide the best course of action for their own emotional health.

    Plus, one of the problems of being continually rejected by one's SO is it can lead to insecurity and self doubt.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    CharmedPamOurWildKingdom
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    As with any Prudie letter, we don't get too many details, but I could've written this letter 3 years ago.  My "asking" exH to go to the doctor entailed begging, pleading, fighting, etc until he finally went.  Then, after awhile, he refused to do the work needed to get his medication.  And once sex itself was gone, even casual intimacy like holding hands, kisses, and passing touches were gone as well.  This might be a long story (especially since it's a 14 year + relationship), that we have the major points of, without a lot of fill-in details. 

    I really feel for LW, b/c I'm terrified of remarrying b/c I'm terrified of a 2nd divorce.  My 1st divorce made me feel enough of a failure, I honestly think I'd stay in an unhappy marriage permanently than divorce a 2nd time.  And the risk of unhappy marriage vs. happy marriage, at this point, still isn't worth it to me.  I shy away from it badly.  And there's some major social stigma around getting divorced more than once, too.

    Having said all that, LW, still doesn't deserve to be in a marriage where not only is her partner uninterested in the physical aspect of their relationship while she is, but actively seems put off.  If partner won't seek help, see if counseling can be on the table.  Just b/c of our similarities in the situation, I feel like it's probably not.  The issue is really that one partner is totally fine with the status quo, the other partner is not, and this particular status quo is damned important to a relationship between 2 people. 

    At that point, she's probably done everything she can w/out her partner's involvement, so I'll validate her need to leave.  There's so much damage done in a relationship like this that really messes with your head and heart.  It's truly not worth it.
    charlotte989875short+sassyOurWildKingdomkerbohl
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