Inviting homophobic family

RhiannonSarahFTW · May 2012

So I am a bride-to-be with a very large family. At least two of my brothers and my father have hinted or let it be known that they are not keen on me marrying a woman. Should I invite them? On the one hand, they are family and it is a big life event. On the other hand I'd rather have fun with people who will be happy and have fun with me.

jenn9919 · May 2012

It seems so simple to say that you should only have people who can support you, just like with vendors. My partner and I have been very fortunate thus far in our planning to not have to worry about if a vendor is only looking for our money, since we have so far found very supportive people and groups. However, with the family, I am in a very similar situation. It's difficult for me to even think about having an event that is such a big deal without my parents and family, but I am still unsure about inviting my parents. I have, just this week, gotten lucky with my sister. As the only significant person in my life I had never actually "come out" to, and knowing that she's married to a minister, I was terribly nervous to broach the subject with her. I finally decided to just ask her to be my MOH. After some thought, she just agreed. I'm glad she thought about it, though, as I know she would not have agreed out of duty or obligation, so she's at least marginally going to support us, which I know may be the best I can ever hope from her. On the other hand, when she was married, my dad gave her away with a speech that had the entire church bawling and I have never harbored any delusions that he would ever give me away like that. I am still debating how to even ask hiim to walk me down the aisle. My partner and I are in agreement that we only want people who can support us at our wedding, but I'm still on the fence about my parents. Fortunately, I know I have plenty of time to talk to them about it and feel them out more before our ceremony. I know this isn't much advice, but truthfully, you can only do what is right for you. I just wanted to lend a little understanding and support.

2dBride · May 2012

I would say that it depends on whether you ever hope to have them in your life again. If you don't invite them to the wedding, that in itself may be a big enough slap in the face to them to make it hard to reestablish a relationship.

If you do invite them, they may choose not to attend anyway. However, if they attend, it may be a first step toward their accepting your relationship. First off, they will be surrounded by people who care about you and support your relationship. Second, weddings contain very powerful symbols of legitimacy. One friend of ours changed his position on same-sex marriage when he came to photograph the two of us in our wedding dresses. He'd previously been in favor of civil unions, but not marriage. But he saw that the wedding dresses were a powerful social signal for which civil unions had no analog, and realized that civil unions could never be a substitute for marriage. I'm not saying that your relatives will have a complete turn-around at the wedding, but it may at least start them understanding viscerally how important this marriage is to you.

mmy101 · May 2012

We had a lot of issues with my now In-Laws. My MIL was very negative and hurtful towards me, but they all still wanted invites. SO 30 invitations later, none of her family showed up. I guess my advice would be to give them invites and give them the opportunity to be better people, but it is their choice. It is hard not to be hurt by it, but at least you gave them a chance. I'm sorry you even have to deal with this.

helleb · May 2012

I think that you need to think about whether or not you will regret not inviting them. If you don't invite them, one day will you be thinking back on your wedding day wishing you at least gave them the chance to support you? If you invite them at least you are saying, "I love you. You are important to me AND MY PARTNER. I want you in our lives and to be a part of our special day." If they decline the invite, yes it will hurt but I think you will have a lot less regrets in the end because it was their choice not to support the two of you.

If they accept the invite, I think for people who may not be 100% in support of you marrying a woman, it will at least be an acknowledgement that they love you in return and are going to try. They may not be shouting from the rooftops in excitement but baby steps are important too.

Hope this helps

hersband+wifey · May 2012

I agree with PP... invite them and let them choose to be supportive or not. You can at least be the bigger person by giving them the opportunity to be a good loving support group rather than making the decision for them

davenport52803 · May 2012

I agree that you should invite them if you ever hope to have a relationship with them. Like a pp has said, marriage in this country seems to legitimize a relationship( one of the many reasons marriage equality is needed), this may be the turning point for them. FOr my own wedding, I decided to invite everyone I would want there, including those that I thought or knew might not be supportive of my relationship. Suprisingly they all came and were all very supportive. I don't know if it changed their views on things, but they came out of love for me, but hopefully it did.

Cjgirl00 · May 2012

This may seem a little hard headed but I have a firm rule that there will be no one that isn't fully supportive at my wedding. Sadly this means a good part of my family will not be there, but I believe that hate is like a poison and it spreads in the worst ways. I will not have my day tarnished by someone that I happen to share a blood relationship with. At the end of the day you and your partner will need to discuss this and decide together. Good luck darlin!

crisandsara · May 2012

I am in a very similar situation now. My fiance and I are 4 months away from our wedding and my grandfather has made it known that he does not support at all. I am sending him and his family invitiations because in essence, I would like them there. This gives you the opportunity to be the bigger person and this also puts the ball in their court, not yours.

rowanmegaera · June 2012

I'm with a lot of the previous posters. I am sending out a lot of "token" invitations. I have absolutely no expectations of those people coming, but at least I made the gesture. If they come, GREAT! If not, it's not because they weren't invited.

chinoerikawedding · June 2012

I'm on the fence about this as well .I have a lot of family that "love" me but don't of course love the lifestyle. My mom and dad have passed away, so we are talking my extended family. My cousins, well some of them are in favor, others have made it known. My biggest issue is I only want people who are being supportative and positive of our marriage. My family would come just to come ya know? To gawk and then go home to have something to talk about over and over.....

Do I give them the benefit of the doubt?

simbal07 · July 2012

Yes. Give them the benefit of doubt and that is all it is. Invite them. Be the bigger person, show them they are important to you . But don't expect that they would come. It is just the right thing to do if you want to continue a relationship with them. and who knows, their coming may change their views. People really do change.

sggeiger · July 2012

I think it really depends on you, but if it were me I would invite them. My theory is that if I don't invite someone they can hold it against me and I might be in the wrong for not doing my part to reach out, but if I do invite them and they don't come then they're the one in the wrong for not being gracious enough to accept.

Inviting homophobic family

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