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Oh this breaks my heart.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I am a 19-year-old lesbian and feel like I have been hiding from myself long enough. So after some help from a local PFLAG chapter, I felt I was ready to come out. I wrote letters to my parents (they’re religious, so I wanted some distance from their reactions) telling them I am gay and that when they are ready, I wanted to discuss it with them. I came out in person to some friends and other relatives who were very accepting and loving. My parents never reacted. I waited for three weeks, then brought it up to them, and that’s when it finally came out. My parents are ashamed of me. They say that they never asked for a daughter like me, they were happier not knowing, and why did I tell them? I ended up leaving the house and staying with my aunt. I will soon leave for school in another state, one that is more LGBTQ-friendly. But for now, what do I do? Do I jump back into the closet for my parents’ sake until I leave? Do I just keep going as I am, keep reaching out, and hope they come around? My aunt has been a rock through this and tells me that I should just write off my parents at this point, but they are my parents—I love them!

—Back to the Closet

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Re: Oh this breaks my heart.

  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    edited June 2019
    This breaks my heart. I’d say surround yourself with people who love and support you; which it sounds like you have in your Aunt. 

    But I’d also say don’t hide yourself or make yourself small to make other people feel better. Your parents aren’t sitting there thinking; how can I make this better for our daughter. 
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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
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    It's like parents don't understand the irreversible damage that the words "I never asked for a child like you" actually do.  It's so hurtful to the point of hateful, regardless of the reason that they give for saying it.  I would hope that these words didn't come from a place of hate, but they had weeks to think up a response and this is what they came up with?  That they are ashamed?  I'd hate to know what their knee jerk reaction was when receiving the note in the first place!

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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    The LW has taken a positive step in identifying who they are, because they felt like they were hiding for so long.  LW, don't let your parents put you back in hiding just for their sake.

    I can understand the LW wanting to keep reaching out to her parents.  She still loves them and wants a relationship, despite their reaction.  But the one warning I would give is to always brace herself for the worst reaction or even no response at all.  And if she finds her attempted interactions with them is negative and upsetting.  Eroding her confidence.  Then reach out less often or stop altogether.

    Kudos to the aunt for taking her niece in and being so supportive, when the parents weren't.  I'm glad the LW has one older adult she can look up to and rely on.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    edited June 2019
    I'm really angry at this PFLAG chapter, TBH.  I wish I knew more of that part of the story.  I, and a lot of my friends, for every Pride, post a poem that I can't seem to find, that basically states, "Don't come out, young queer, if it's not safe for you yet.  We understand, we know, we're sorry, it's okay, but keep yourself safe and alive.  We'll be here when you can get to us safely."  I so understand and empathize with this LW, but I live in the Bible Belt of the U.S. and I would've guided them differently at this age and in this situation.  40% of homeless youth identify as LGBTQ+ and have lost their homes because of their identity, not through other means.  I'm so glad this LW has an aunt to support them.

    So, to get through the real meat now, I wouldn't advise LW to go back into the closet as long as they do have support and to not reach out until LW is in a stable position and doesn't need their parents at all.  Then I would start reaching out in small gestures like cards, etc.  And I'd put a damn card for resources every.single.time in the card/letter.  Until parents responded to that, I'd avoid more personal connections.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    @VarunaTT if the college that this LW attends is far more supportive how do you recommend the balance for this LW?  She will spend the majority of her time at this location but may be in her hometown periodically.  

    I understand that by being a member of the community you do not speak for it as a whole, but what would you do knowing the dichotomy of the two different locations? 
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    I'm hoping by more supportive school out of state, she means college where she's living in the dorm and is in a position to not have to come home.  We can't tell from the letter how long she's been out of the house, but it doesn't sound like her parents are coming after her at this point.

    I've seen all sorts of journeys on dealing with it: one friend didn't go home again after he came out on a school break and his parents disowned him our freshman year.  Another one ended up moving back home and I lost touch, so I'm not sure what happened there, but I know his parents wanted him home to be away from the atmosphere that "made him gay".  There was, 1-2, that the distance made them able to speak with their parents and try to restore the relationship.  I'm not sure if it ever really "worked", but it was managed.  I can also say, lots of the people who were from OOT, around our sophomore years, ended up getting apartments and jobs anyway and didn't go home anymore, so it became a moot point for them.  I'm not sure what college looks like these days though.

    I think it really comes down to what the person wants to try and do with their parents; in my observations my friends who were always able to be more independent had a better happiness rate generally, b/c they were able to deal with their family on their own terms, rather than for necessity. And I admit to a huge bias here, b/c living where I do, the parents that speak this way are from an evangelical viewpoint and I loathe that POV and I wouldn't advise any queer person to allow that toxicity in their lives. 
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    Poor LW.  I'm glad that LW has an aunt for support now.  I also hope LW is able to grow and flourish into the person they want to be while in college and doesn't try to hold back due to their parents.

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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    @VarunaTT That poem made me cry <3 it's sad but sweet and thoughtful
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    This just makes me want to go to Pride with some people I know and offer hugs. This is becoming a thing and often people who are parents {new, old, etc} will have signs saying "if you need a mom/dad hug, I'm here! Feel free to come get one!"
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    MissKittyDanger said:
    This just makes me want to go to Pride with some people I know and offer hugs. This is becoming a thing and often people who are parents {new, old, etc} will have signs saying "if you need a mom/dad hug, I'm here! Feel free to come get one!"
    I love those people, for real.  I also love the memes floating around that are basically: disowned for being gay?  I'm your [fill in family relationship] now.  Brush your teeth, wash your face, use protection, and eat 3 meals a day.

    I'm so incredibly lucky to have a supportive family.  I know so many people who don't, even at this point in my life.  I had a friendship with one person (it's failed for other reason) whose family refused to come to her wedding a year and a half ago and instead of just ghosting her, texted her all damn day about why what she was doing was wrong and they couldn't be supportive.  They've been hammering into her for over a year now and she won't totally cut them off b/c she loves them. And I think it's part of why her marriage is failing.  And that breaks my heart for her.
    �
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    @VarunaTT my parents are friends (and still friends) with a couple who disowned their middle daughter when she came out over 20 years ago.

    I love when I saw the meme circulating that disowning your kid for being gay doesn't make them bad.   It makes YOU a shitty parent.

    I understand that there are years of friendship my parents have with that couple but I don't support their decision to be friends with them now - ESPECIALLY since my brother is gay.
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    VarunaTT said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    This just makes me want to go to Pride with some people I know and offer hugs. This is becoming a thing and often people who are parents {new, old, etc} will have signs saying "if you need a mom/dad hug, I'm here! Feel free to come get one!"
    I love those people, for real.  I also love the memes floating around that are basically: disowned for being gay?  I'm your [fill in family relationship] now.  Brush your teeth, wash your face, use protection, and eat 3 meals a day.

    I'm so incredibly lucky to have a supportive family.  I know so many people who don't, even at this point in my life.  I had a friendship with one person (it's failed for other reason) whose family refused to come to her wedding a year and a half ago and instead of just ghosting her, texted her all damn day about why what she was doing was wrong and they couldn't be supportive.  They've been hammering into her for over a year now and she won't totally cut them off b/c she loves them. And I think it's part of why her marriage is failing.  And that breaks my heart for her.
    Friend of mine posted that with caption "I'm your mom now. Drop the attitude and give me a g.d hug" lmao!

    It just baffles me that parents are still disowning kids over their preferences. I mean if BabyKitten said "hey I'm a lesbian" I wanna say I'd be cool with it - which I would be - but I feel at first it might be shocking, and I hope I can explain I'm just shocked, not upset at her telling me and that I still love her no matter what. I've had friends tell me they were bi and/or gay, and I didn't know at first so it was like "oh let me process" but then it was like "cool, have you know long? That time frame? Cool. Wanna continue what we were doing?" {keeping in mind, the friends I know about told me in h.s
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    banana468 said:
    VarunaTT said:
    I think, until we stop seeing the world as majority cisgender, as majority heterosexual, and stop basing assumptions on that, it's always going to be a moment of adjustment for most people.  Adjustments are okay, I even have to do that, even if it's just changing the "market" I have for them in my brains (I'm really terrible about throwing single friends together that I think will work).  It just matters what you do with that adjustment.  
    Adjustments can make sense especially since I think many generations (like my parents as Boomers) are raised in the cis gender hetero norm.

    My brother was 33 when he told my dad.   Dad responded by saying, "Oh.   OK.   How's the oil in your car?"  

    I called my cousin and said, "Hey if my dad goes for a walk and visits you guys tonight there's a bit of a new bombshell in the house."  

    He didn't walk over.   He didn't say anything.   He loved his son and wants to make sure that he keeps checking the oil so he doesn't break down on the highway.

    Props dad. 
    :') yay dad <3
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