Wedding Woes

Follow his lead

Dear Prudence,

I have been asked to emcee my brother-in-law’s wedding along with the fiancée’s brother. I found out while planning our emcee duties that the fiancée’s brother, “A,” is gay and has been in a relationship for three years. A’s partner is not invited to the wedding because A’s family doesn’t accept their relationship and “prefers” that he doesn’t attend. I don’t think it is right that I co-host this wedding where A’s partner isn’t invited due to homophobia. I am also not sure if my brother-in-law knows that A’s partner isn’t invited (he knows that A is gay). I don’t know if my brother-in-law knows that his future wife and her family have banned A’s partner from the wedding because of homophobia (he may think A’s partner is unavailable or that A is single). Alternately, he may know but not want to “get in the middle of things.”

My husband wants me to not say anything because it’s not my family and the wedding is in one month and it would be disruptive to get involved. I feel like homophobia wins when allies don’t speak up. Shouldn’t we talk to my brother-in-law about the message he’s sending by participating in this homophobia? Should I step down from emceeing? Should I ask A if I should step down, or would that put too much pressure on him to make his family’s actions OK?

Re: Follow his lead

  • You could always ask A how he feels.   Ask if he'd prefer someone step in on his behalf.  He may appreciate it or he may feel emasculated. 

    Not the same thing but I do not fight my husband's battles unless they are directed to us.   And I don't want him speaking on my behalf unless there's a mutually agreed-upon approach.   

    So by being an ally you also start by asking how that person WANTS you to handle the situation. 
  • I would think stepping down from emceeing would hurt A more since now they have to handle everything on their own.  Best case scenario A might think it's cool to have an ally but yikes now there is more on his plate because of it.

  • I would play the gayest playlist I could create, the entire night.  Hell, most wedding music is gay AF anyway, they probably wouldn't know, and A and I could giggle the entire night.
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