Bonus Prudie.

mrsconn23 · July 2019

Q. Liver Transplant: My young niece requires a liver transplant. It turns out that her mom—my SIL—and my husband are a match. We’ve done a lot of research into it and I feel incredibly uneasy about my husband being a live donor, due to the various risks and impact on his health. My SIL has stated she “can’t” donate because it means she can’t breastfeed her 1-year-old son or look after the other two kids immediately after the operation. My husband has always been the type of person who gives more than he can, willingly and without thinking. So without any contemplation, he readily agreed. If my SIL wasn’t a match either I would absolutely support him being a donor. But it seems that being a donor is too difficult and inconvenient for my SIL, yet she wants my husband to take all the risks. I told my SIL if she were to go through the operation I would take time off work to look after her and her children. Yet she stubbornly insists on my husband. Since I protested so strongly, my husband says he will go ahead only if I agree, and now my SIL is extremely angry and hostile toward me. Am I a terrible person or is my SIL being selfish?

MissKittyDanger · July 2019

It's a fine line. I get where LW is coming from because - yes, there is a lot of risk - but at the same time, I get more where the SIL is coming from more. SIL has a young family that needs to be tended to, especially if she's still breastfeeding. Not all kids ween well/fast/etc.

I doubt it really matters, but I'm curious on LW's home/family situation. Is she worried that because of this, her family would be affected directly as well?

I think LW needs to talk to the dr's because it may help change her mind or clarify what are concerns and what isn't.

banana468 · July 2019

IMO, this is a lot to unpack.

What was SIL like before this? If this was me I would feel some sense of sympathy for SIL because I'd have major fear of complications from this operation and ability to care for my children or survive.

BUT, assuming that the playing fields are equal I think she's out of line to insist upon this.

What do unbiased physicians say? I wouldn't talk to the doctor who is working on my niece. I'd go to a different source to ask what are the real risks for the H's health, time for recovery and what can the family expect?

There's no real easy answer here but as the LW I would also feel terrible if my niece was dying and my H could have been the person who saved her life and my fear and anger crippled this decision.

flantastic · July 2019

I want to know how and when the "can't" came up. Is that literally what was said? Tone matters for sure. "I'd appreciate if you'd consider this, bro, because I have X fears for myself and my family about me being the donor" is different from, "Well I just can't, but if you don't, my daughter will die." I wonder how much of LW's fear for her husband is coloring that conversation. I mean, both of them took the test, which indicates some willingness to undertake this to save the girl.

STARMOON44 · July 2019

No one should ever be pressured into organ donation. There is an entire living donor team that should be handling this. Husband should reach out to the social worker on his team to discus in a lot more detail and include wife in those discussions. And not SIL. SIL gets to chose only if she wants to donate or not, not what anyone else does.

short+sassy · July 2019

It's outrageous the SIL is pressuring anything. Donating an organ is not a light decision, nor should it be. And, as tempting as it might be for the SIL to put on the pressure, she needs to STOP IT! Much less being obviously angry about the wife's feelings and H's respect of his wife's feelings.

But as for the LW and her H's decision, this is something they should fully discuss with the medical team and give a lot of thought to. Don't allow the SIL's pressure or anger into the decision at all.

levioosa · July 2019

short+sassy said:

It's outrageous the SIL is pressuring anything. Donating an organ is not a light decision, nor should it be. And, as tempting as it might be for the SIL to put on the pressure, she needs to STOP IT! Much less being obviously angry about the wife's feelings and H's respect of his wife's feelings.

But as for the LW and her H's decision, this is something they should fully discuss with the medical team and give a lot of thought to. Don't allow the SIL's pressure or anger into the decision at all.

Coercion is also a full stop cancellation of the procedure. They are very strict about the requirements.

MesmrEwe · July 2019

Chances of rejection from the Mom are also likely less than from the Uncle. That said, breastfeeding a 1yo as the excuse for her not to is selfish AF. SNS, the kid is 1, and even if the child was 3mo in this situation, good time to wean. It's weaning, there's milk from cows, there's the nut juices, etc. as viable options, a child about to die because of not getting an organ is a little bigger of a deal. At 1 they don't need formula, so I really don't get the attachment to not weaning given the circumstances. That said, depending on the timeframe, there is new technology to use the child's own stem cells to grow a lab organ that is entirely promising plus no need to take anti-rejection medications for a lifetime!

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