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Wedding Woes

LW sounds...restless.

Dear Prudence,

I have been dating a wonderful man for two years now. He is patient, kind, goofy, loving, and completely supportive. In other words, my ideal partner. Our relationship has gotten pretty serious, and we have discussed marriage. We met in a university music program and both have master’s degrees in music. He is a public school teacher, and I perform on the side while working in marketing. I have great co-workers, a good salary, and benefits while I work out the trajectory of my performing career. Everything was great, until we went on a trip to Los Angeles two months ago. I’d had a nagging feeling that L.A. was the ideal place to pursue my career, but since returning from the trip, I have been positive that in order to fulfill my dreams, I need to move there and truly make a go of it. We live in a beautiful city with an active arts scene, but I am such a highly ambitious person that I know I would rather fall off the fourth rung of the highest ladder than climb to the top of a shorter one.

I finally told him this, and his response was that I shouldn’t take him into consideration if I decide to move there. He told me that he knows he wouldn’t be happy there (something that didn’t surprise me) and that he could never let me quash my dreams on his behalf. He also doesn’t want to break up with me. My therapist suggested that I was approaching the situation with a black-and-white mindset; my choices aren’t stay here and try to forget my aspirations or dump him and move to L.A. If we wanted to, there’s plenty of middle ground to structure a nontraditional relationship. This is all true, but if I’m being honest with myself, I know I couldn’t be truly happy in limbo, either when it comes to my relationship or my career. I am a full-force personality.

Prudence, I am older, fatter, less attractive, and less experienced than just about everyone who dives into acting. I have been told more than once that I am “too smart” to pursue performing and that I’m better suited to academia. I am ready to say “fuck that” to all of that negativity and doubt, but I am not ready to leave behind my biggest champion and, quite frankly, the love of my life. Is there common ground somewhere that I can’t see?

—Supportive Boyfriend Versus Showbiz Dreams

«1

Re: LW sounds...restless.

  • 1st - kudos to LW's spouse to understanding. I'm sure it's not easy to hear/say but at least they knew where they stood.

    2nd - yay to therapist about broaching a middle ground!

    Could LW do a temp move to see how things go? Pursue dreams, but sounds like LW has some body image issues that L.A might not help.
    downtondivaVarunaTT
  • 1st - kudos to LW's spouse to understanding. I'm sure it's not easy to hear/say but at least they knew where they stood.

    2nd - yay to therapist about broaching a middle ground!

    Could LW do a temp move to see how things go? Pursue dreams, but sounds like LW has some body image issues that L.A might not help.
    I think this is a good idea. Far be it from me to tell someone not to follow their dreams, but there's a huge difference between going on a trip somewhere and living and pursuing a career there - especially a career that can be incredibly hard to build for just about anyone.
    image
    MissKittyDangershort+sassyILoveBeachMusic
  • 1st - kudos to LW's spouse to understanding. I'm sure it's not easy to hear/say but at least they knew where they stood.

    2nd - yay to therapist about broaching a middle ground!

    Could LW do a temp move to see how things go? Pursue dreams, but sounds like LW has some body image issues that L.A might not help.
    I think this is a good idea. Far be it from me to tell someone not to follow their dreams, but there's a huge difference between going on a trip somewhere and living and pursuing a career there - especially a career that can be incredibly hard to build for just about anyone.
    Kinda what I was thinking. That way LW could get a real feel for the area and what options she has
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 22
    This letter is so weird to me because LW is all over the map.  They have all this ambition and confidence.  However, they 1) have a background in music and want to pursue acting now? and 2) state they are older, less attractive than mainstream actresses, and are not of an industry body size.   (ETA: I don't agree with there being a 'standard' for looks, the ageism, how women are treated in entertainment, and the whole laundry list of all the things, but there's what we think is bullshit and where reality lies.  Yes, shit needs to be changed and maybe LW can be the change she (we?) wish to see in the world.  However, the way LW talks about it is very romantic and not planned out.) 

    I feel like LW is looking to shake something about their life up and they can't put their finger on the one thing they're looking for.  This idea of moving to LA seems more escapist fantasy than something that is rooted in real life practicality.  LW needs to actually make a plan so they can figure out how they're going to live while making this 'dream' come true.  

    The relationship is a secondary situation, IMO.  Yes, there's nothing bad going on there...but they both seem to have not committed to a future yet.  The relationship is not really the issue here, as he's drawn his boundaries and left it up to LW to make the decision.  It's LW's restlessness and desire to make an impulsive decision that will affect her entire life.  I don't blame him for being hesitant about going along for the ride. 
    short+sassyei34charlotte989875
  • Oh, LW, that's so funny!  Because my ultimate dream is to NEVER live in L.A., lol.  I like big cities, but not that one.  At least NYC is walkable and has the subway to get around.  Though I'd still want to be pretty wealthy and retired to consider NYC anyway.

    While I can understand the compulsion to follow one's dreams, no matter the odds or logic.  If the LW hasn't already done it, I think she needs to look at and give a lot of thought to the "worst case scenarios".  And, by "worst case", I mean what is the most likely thing to happen, lol.  Can she accept that and be okay with it? And not feel like she made a huge mistake if she ends up broke, alone, and getting none/few performing gigs?

    If she can say, "Yes, it will be worth it to have at least tried."  Then do it!  I think trying it for a temporary period and not throwing out her relationship is also a great idea.  Because, unless she is independently wealthy, L.A. is not for the feint of heart.  But it sounds like for her personality it needs to be whole hog or not at all. 

    As an aside, the LW doesn't mention her musical talents.  But the choir teacher at my high school (in Orange County, CA) did side gigs in L.A. singing jingles and stuff like that.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    ei34
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The performing life in LA is a tough one. LA/Hollywood gets so romanticized but the reality is a lot more harsh. I grew up here, and that’s why I didn’t pursue the arts. I used to be very, very good at music, but the reality of how the industry works kept me from pursuing it as an adult. LW sounds like they’re having a midlife crisis and this is something tangible they can change. If they breaks up with their BF I’m guessing they’re going to really regret it long term. I like charlotte’s suggestion. 


    image
    short+sassyei34
  • LW wants a sink or swim experience instead of learning how the Entertainment INDUSTRY and Entertainment BUSINESS really works and learn how to work an angle.  SNS - LW needs to develop her CV right where she's at because the industry is not limited to LA anymore and find a reputable agent to be listed with.  It's like early millennial midlife crisis which sad to say I've seen far too much of in recent times, they want the fame and glory, they don't want to put the due diligence in to learn the business.  Music, theater, acting, marketing, are incredibly different businesses within the industry at large.  You don't make the top without being willing to do the bottom.  

    If she's got the drive to do it, go for it and don't look back!  It's the old saying "Go into it with an open mind, but not so open that your brain falls out!"..  
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  • VarunaTT said:
    Oh my good god, this is literally the story of nearly everyone who moved to LA/NYC to be an actor ever, there's literally dozens of movies, books, and loads of other arts forms made with this story.  Also, millennials didn't create the mid life crisis.  Don't we blame baby boomers for that one too?

    Anyway:

    Image result for generation x meme
    This meme is my fave .... I was born in '87 so I'm legit at the end of Gen X and I'm constantly irked when someone thinks everyone is Millennial. They're not that bad either.
    Gen X and Millennials are trying to fix the world Boomers took for advantage.
  • VarunaTT said:
    Oh my good god, this is literally the story of nearly everyone who moved to LA/NYC to be an actor ever, there's literally dozens of movies, books, and loads of other arts forms made with this story.  Also, millennials didn't create the mid life crisis.  Don't we blame baby boomers for that one too?

    Anyway:

    Image result for generation x meme
    This meme is my fave .... I was born in '87 so I'm legit at the end of Gen X and I'm constantly irked when someone thinks everyone is Millennial. They're not that bad either.
    Gen X and Millennials are trying to fix the world Boomers took for advantage.
    I always thought I was at the end of Gen X with '77.  

    I just always feel like an odd duck out, b/c Boomers and Millennials and Gen Z are all yelling at each other and Gen X is like...y'all know that we were blamed for all of this shit first, right?  We also graduated into a recession and were called 'the first generation not expected to do better than their parents"?  We just popped our Prozac, put our heads down, and hoped for the goddamn best but the fucking Boomers won't retire or die out of the work force and Millennials and Gen Z are coming up too fast behind us.

    I did get onto a former friend who posted, "Where TF have the Gen Xers been?"  I was like, "You're standing on our shoulders, love" and posted this (not me):

    Image result for rowan hagemann gen x
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • @VarunaTT ; Maybe I'm mistaking it. There is a small generation that ends in '87 and maybe it's '78-'87? I thought it was shorter than that. It's one that is typically forgotten and split between Millennials and the one before it.

    Also I LOVE that post. The generations should be WORKING TOGETHER and using the best parts of each generation to get voices heard, change done, etc.

    My mum {born '61} was appalled at the 'slut walk' idea. She understand the concept but the sheer fact that it has to be said 'is appalling. People are appalling. Can we go walk? Do I have to take off my top? I don't want to take off my top, I'm cold"
    To be noted - when we saw it, she wanted to cry and hug people. My mum is such a mother <3 
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 23
    @VarunaTT ; Maybe I'm mistaking it. There is a small generation that ends in '87 and maybe it's '78-'87? I thought it was shorter than that. It's one that is typically forgotten and split between Millennials and the one before it.

    Also I LOVE that post. The generations should be WORKING TOGETHER and using the best parts of each generation to get voices heard, change done, etc.

    My mum {born '61} was appalled at the 'slut walk' idea. She understand the concept but the sheer fact that it has to be said 'is appalling. People are appalling. Can we go walk? Do I have to take off my top? I don't want to take off my top, I'm cold"
    To be noted - when we saw it, she wanted to cry and hug people. My mum is such a mother <3 
    Generation X is usually 1965-1979/80
    Generation Y (millennials) is usually 1980-1994

    But there is a super fun microgeneration that I think both of us fit into called (variously) Generation Catalano, Generation Oregon Trail (or my favorite from this article, Generation Jem):  https://slate.com/human-interest/2011/10/generation-catalano-the-generation-stuck-between-gen-x-and-the-millennials.html
    charlotte989875
  • VarunaTT said:

    Generation X is usually 1965-1979/80
    Generation Y (millennials) is usually 1980-1994

    But there is a super fun microgeneration that I think both of us fit into called (variously) Generation Catalano, Generation Oregon Trail (or my favorite from this article, Generation Jem):  https://slate.com/human-interest/2011/10/generation-catalano-the-generation-stuck-between-gen-x-and-the-millennials.html
    Depending on the source, years can vary slightly.  My H and I looked it up awhile ago.  Though I had also thought Millennials started in the mid-80s, but I'm not sure if I actually saw that somewhere or it was just my assumption.

    My H is almost 10 years older than me and was born in 1964.  So he is right on the cusp of Baby Boomers and Gen X.  He considers himself Gen X but, when the opportunity comes up, I tease him that he's a Baby Boomer, lol.

    I can't remember what channel it was on, but there was a good documentary series about Generation X.  The major events that happened.  The tv shows and music.  The societal changes.  And how all these things colored the world for the children born during this time.
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    VarunaTTcharlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    VarunaTT said:
    VarunaTT said:
    Oh my good god, this is literally the story of nearly everyone who moved to LA/NYC to be an actor ever, there's literally dozens of movies, books, and loads of other arts forms made with this story.  Also, millennials didn't create the mid life crisis.  Don't we blame baby boomers for that one too?

    Anyway:

    Image result for generation x meme
    This meme is my fave .... I was born in '87 so I'm legit at the end of Gen X and I'm constantly irked when someone thinks everyone is Millennial. They're not that bad either.
    Gen X and Millennials are trying to fix the world Boomers took for advantage.
    I always thought I was at the end of Gen X with '77.  

    I just always feel like an odd duck out, b/c Boomers and Millennials and Gen Z are all yelling at each other and Gen X is like...y'all know that we were blamed for all of this shit first, right?  We also graduated into a recession and were called 'the first generation not expected to do better than their parents"?  We just popped our Prozac, put our heads down, and hoped for the goddamn best but the fucking Boomers won't retire or die out of the work force and Millennials and Gen Z are coming up too fast behind us.

    I did get onto a former friend who posted, "Where TF have the Gen Xers been?"  I was like, "You're standing on our shoulders, love" and posted this (not me):

    Image result for rowan hagemann gen x
    Agree. I'm born in '80 and am generally caught between Gen X and Millennial. (I did read a funny article that called us '77-'81 a cusp Oregon Trail generation.) I've never heard of '87 being considered Gen X. 

    I thought part of the reason Gen X was so forgotten is that there are just fewer people. The birth years were when people started having fewer kids and when women really started delaying pregnancies for careers. I do remember being the lazy, irreverent generation when we were young, and being blamed for everything. But then a new younger generation showed up, so the boomers started shitting on them instead. I'm sure Gen Z and whoever follows will get the same lazy generalizations in a few years. 
    VarunaTTcharlotte989875
  • The generations are definitely fuzzy boundaries.  I didn't identify with a lot of Gen X in terms of music (I never got into grunge the way some peers did), but I definitely did in terms of other forms of pop culture and other historical memories and issues.

    I read an interesting article once that was talking about the "blame millennial" phenomena.  It was basically that people were talking about a life stage, rather than a generation.  Since they're basically always meaning "high school and college aged people," they forget that people are aging out of that and carrying their generation title with them.  The reason for calling the millennial generation "millennials" was because their generation was entering adulthood around the turn of the millennia...and we're 18 (or 19 however you want to split that hair) beyond that.  High school/college aged people NOW are not millennials.  
    short+sassycharlotte989875
  • XENNIAL!
    It's considered a "micro-generation"
    https://globalnews.ca/news/3579270/xennials-generaion-x-millennials-generation/

    If you can't access the link, let me know.
  • XENNIAL!
    It's considered a "micro-generation"
    https://globalnews.ca/news/3579270/xennials-generaion-x-millennials-generation/

    If you can't access the link, let me know.
    Yeah, that's the same as I was talking about above.

    Still like Generation Jem because she's caught between two worlds.  And really, b/c she's Jem and awesome :D :

    Image result for jem gif


    charlotte989875MissKittyDanger
  • VarunaTT said:
    XENNIAL!
    It's considered a "micro-generation"
    https://globalnews.ca/news/3579270/xennials-generaion-x-millennials-generation/

    If you can't access the link, let me know.
    Yeah, that's the same as I was talking about above.

    Still like Generation Jem because she's caught between two worlds.  And really, b/c she's Jem and awesome :D :

    Image result for jem gif


    Lmao yes :) Better than Oregon Trail Gen .... I don't want to be known of dying of dysentery.
  • ei34ei34 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It's blurry but I thought Millennials were 1980-96 or '82-'98.  I've read some "Xennial" articles too and can relate.  Being an older millennial ('84 born) and graduating before the recession, owning instead of renting, easily remembering using encyclopedias/writing vs typing papers for school, calling friends' houses and speaking w/ their parents before talking to them, etc...it's different than my mid-90s born cousins.  Although I'm sure when they're in their 50s and I'm in my 60s we'll have more in common.  Generations are broad, it's hard to capture every member of one in one stroke. 
    Sometimes Gen X is referred to as the silent generation, I can see why, I feel like you hear so much about Boomers and Millennials.  Unless there's a generation btwn boomers and GenX, maybe that's the silent generation?  It's hard to keep track :D
    charlotte989875MissKittyDanger
  • @ei34 ; Yeh you're an Xennial :) Although if you're picky, some would call you GenX - some places say it ends in '83, others '84
    It's Baby Boomer. Then GenX, Xennial, Millennial
  • edited August 23
    @ei34 ; Yeh you're an Xennial :) Although if you're picky, some would call you GenX - some places say it ends in '83, others '84
    It's Baby Boomer. Then GenX, Xennial, Millennial
    Just curious here but is there a reason you don’t want to be considered a millennial?

    i was born in 85 & have a really similar memory/experience as @ei34 described. While there are a lot of millennial “things” that don’t ring true for me, there are some that do. But the criticism of the entire generation grinds my gears. 
    ei34MyNameIsNotlevioosaOliveOilsMom
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    ei34 said:
    It's blurry but I thought Millennials were 1980-96 or '82-'98.  I've read some "Xennial" articles too and can relate.  Being an older millennial ('84 born) and graduating before the recession, owning instead of renting, easily remembering using encyclopedias/writing vs typing papers for school, calling friends' houses and speaking w/ their parents before talking to them, etc...it's different than my mid-90s born cousins.  Although I'm sure when they're in their 50s and I'm in my 60s we'll have more in common.  Generations are broad, it's hard to capture every member of one in one stroke. 
    Sometimes Gen X is referred to as the silent generation, I can see why, I feel like you hear so much about Boomers and Millennials.  Unless there's a generation btwn boomers and GenX, maybe that's the silent generation?  It's hard to keep track :D
    The silent generation is the one before the boomers. They're the silent generation because they were generally reared during the depression and didn't really get to "say" anything as youth because they were just trying not to starve to death. 
    VarunaTTcharlotte989875ei34MissKittyDanger
  • ei34ei34 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    ei34 said:
    It's blurry but I thought Millennials were 1980-96 or '82-'98.  I've read some "Xennial" articles too and can relate.  Being an older millennial ('84 born) and graduating before the recession, owning instead of renting, easily remembering using encyclopedias/writing vs typing papers for school, calling friends' houses and speaking w/ their parents before talking to them, etc...it's different than my mid-90s born cousins.  Although I'm sure when they're in their 50s and I'm in my 60s we'll have more in common.  Generations are broad, it's hard to capture every member of one in one stroke. 
    Sometimes Gen X is referred to as the silent generation, I can see why, I feel like you hear so much about Boomers and Millennials.  Unless there's a generation btwn boomers and GenX, maybe that's the silent generation?  It's hard to keep track :D
    The silent generation is the one before the boomers. They're the silent generation because they were generally reared during the depression and didn't really get to "say" anything as youth because they were just trying not to starve to death. 
    Ah, makes sense. Thanks for the explanation.  I only knew it was a generation that wasn't Boomers or Millennials.  Sorry, silent generation, for my ignorance and for treating you like the forgotten middle child in a big family!

    @MissKittyDanger there may be some US/Canada differences, in the US if you're born in the 80s (certainly by '82)  you're a Millennial.  "Xennial" is clever but officially going with Gen X or Milliennial, we're both the latter.  I was referring to my handful of 21-to-25 year old cousins who had cell phones in grade school, were too young to feel 9/11 the way the older cousins did, etc ...I think as we all get older well be more *NSYNC (older millennial reference  :) ) My parents at 60 and 63 are very young boomers...sometimes they feel "like Boomers" other times they don't.
    ILoveBeachMusiccharlotte989875
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