My husband's sexy talk is not a turn on.

mrsconn23 · August 2019

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I have been married for about 15 years. During that time I’ve gained about 30 pounds. My husband has found it really sexy, which is great, but the problem is how much he likes to talk about it before and during sex: how much he likes my weight, how hot it would be if I gained more weight, how he’d like to feed me desserts until I’m “fat,” etc. I don’t find this talk sexy. I’m mostly happy with my body, but I still don’t like this conversation as foreplay. I don’t like feeling pressured to agree to gaining weight. I would like to start exercising more for health reasons, and when I hear his comments, it makes me feel like if my body changes again, it would be unwelcome. I’ve tried discussing this with him when we’re not having sex, and he reassures me that he’s going to love my body no matter what, but when it comes time to get sexy again the weight talk starts up. I’ve also tried to discern whether he just wants me to go along with it in the moment as a sort of role-playing thing, but his responses have been ambivalent. What bothers me most is that when I go along with it, in the absence of knowing for sure whether it’s just playing around, I feel like I’m making empty promises. Any ideas for how to address this?

—Weird Weight Comments

climbingsingle · August 2019

Use your words. Tell him his foreplay talk is a huge turnoff. If he starts in again before sex, shut it down.

My H inherited this really ugly gold necklace with Jesus on a cross from his dad. He was wearing it all the time after his dad passed. I finally had to tell him it was a lady boner killer, and if he wanted to have sex, he'd have to remove it. Who the eff wants to look at a crucified Jesus when they're having sex with their spouse?? Also, we're not religious. So, yeah. The necklace now lives on his night stand.

downtondiva · August 2019

Use your words, and if he doesn't listen, stop the foreplay, sex, whatever is going on immediately. Intimacy should be a good time for both you and your husband, so please don't put up with something that makes you so uncomfortable.

If you feel like you just can't get through to him on this, maybe a marriage counselor or sex therapist could help?

OliveOilsMom · August 2019

Start another conversation prior to sex. Tell him that you don't like talking about weight as part of sexy talk and it needs to stop. Then when foreplay starts and the weight talk starts too, stop and call him out on it. He might even be doing it a little unconsciously, so it should be called out in the moment, to sort of retrain his brain.

As for LW wanting to exercise and get healthy, if she gets push back from the H, she needs to tell him that she is doing this for herself.

banana468 · August 2019

Use your words! Have this conversation when sex isn't even on the table. Tell him what makes you uncomfortable and ask him to stop. If this is a fantasy of his then ask him if role playing would make him comfortable but advise him that this is not something that you like and it's inhibiting YOUR desire. Make it clear that you do not want to gain more weight and while you appreciate his love for you in any state you also want him to stop talking about changing your body because your body is YOURS TO CHANGE.

short+sassy · August 2019

I'm terrible. Now I'm just envisioning him wanting to be the "banana" in her sundae, lol.

But seriously. Since he's still reverting back to the sexy talk she finds uncomfortable, despite their conversations about it. I agree with the other PPs that its time to take it to the next step and shut down the sexy fun, if/when he brings up the conversations she's told him turn her off. I'm sure he'll retrain himself quick enough.

CharmedPam · September 2019

This one would be an easy conversation with the H “knock it off”.

My husband's sexy talk is not a turn on.

Re: My husband's sexy talk is not a turn on.

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