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Yes, be the ally and tell your team.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I recently collaborated on a Twitter-related project with a co-worker, and in the process discovered “they/them” listed as their pronouns on their Twitter bio. They’ve never mentioned this at work, and everyone, including me, has been using gendered pronouns. I asked my co-worker privately what they preferred. They thanked me for asking and confirmed they prefer gender-neutral pronouns but hadn’t brought it up because they didn’t want anyone else to feel guilty for forgetting or getting it wrong. I asked if they’d like me to let other team members know, and they said it was “up to me” and that they really didn’t mind how others perceived them. Should I say anything to the rest of my team? If it matters, this co-worker is only part-time and both younger and more junior to the rest of us. I’m not a manager, so I don’t have any authority here, but I don’t expect any pushback or negative reactions from anyone else.

—Correcting Co-workers

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Re: Yes, be the ally and tell your team.

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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Since you’ve checked with them I think it’s good to, as it comes up, correct your teammates. Don’t make it a big deal, not go out of your way to bring it up, but if you hear people gender pronouns when referring to co-worker than I think politely correcting is the way to go. 
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    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 2019
    I do not do this.  Ever.  LW needs to learn to code switch until such a time as co-worker let's this information be known in however manner they need to take to make the announcement.  Additionally, while I can't be sure of the actual context of this job, I wouldn't have told co-worker I even knew.  When I have friends that have told me their true gender (or lack/fluidity thereof), I specifically ask if everyone knows or if I need to keep it to myself.  Yeah, it's not easy; you do it anyway.

    While I appreciate LW wanting to help co-worker be recognized and seen, co-worker needs to do that for themselves, b/c it's their person risk.  Additionally, you never ever know for sure that outing someone is safe, ever.  Even if you think that person is safe, that person is going to tell someone else and that person might not be.  The number of people in this world who find anything other than cisgender threatening, and react on that threat, is far more than anyone likes to admit or think about.  That is a decision for that person to be making because they have to live with that threat to their safety.  To me, "Up to you," is basically a "no" because it wasn't a "yes".


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    downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    VarunaTT said:
    I do not do this.  Ever.  LW needs to learn to code switch until such a time as co-worker let's this information be known in however manner they need to take to make the announcement.  Additionally, while I can't be sure of the actual context of this job, I wouldn't have told co-worker I even knew.  When I have friends that have told me their true gender (or lack/fluidity thereof), I specifically ask if everyone knows or if I need to keep it to myself.  Yeah, it's not easy; you do it anyway.

    While I appreciate LW wanting to help co-worker be recognized and seen, co-worker needs to do that for themselves, b/c it's their person risk.  Additionally, you never ever know for sure that outing someone is safe, ever.  Even if you think that person is safe, that person is going to tell someone else and that person might not be.  The number of people in this world who find anything other than cisgender threatening, and react on that threat, is far more than anyone likes to admit or think about.  That is a decision for that person to be making because they have to live with that threat to their safety.  To me, "Up to you," is basically a "no" because it wasn't a "yes".


    This was my first thought. "Up to you" is very non-committal. LW means well but should err on the side of caution since co-worker did not outright accept or ask for their help on this. 
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