Wedding Woes
mrsconn23
member
You did the right thing. She won't be mad forever.
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,
My 17-year-old daughter was invited by her boyfriend’s mom to go for parents weekend at her 18-year-old boyfriend’s college five hours away. She was told that it would be just the two of them and that they’d share a hotel room. However, when they picked her up, her boyfriend’s stepdad was in the car too. During the drive over, it became clear that she was to be sharing the hotel room with both the mom and the stepdad. She was uncomfortable with this but did not want to rock the boat. My husband and I felt the sleeping arrangements were completely inappropriate and booked a room for our daughter for the first night. We weren’t able to get a room for the second night, however, because everything was booked, so the stepfather stayed in his stepson’s dorm. Now my daughter is spitting mad at us. It has caused a real rift in our relationship. Did we do the wrong thing? We don’t know the family that well and just feel that a teenage girl shouldn’t be tricked into sharing a hotel room with a grown man. And how do we heal the relationship with our daughter?
—Teenage Daughter Is Mad
My 17-year-old daughter was invited by her boyfriend’s mom to go for parents weekend at her 18-year-old boyfriend’s college five hours away. She was told that it would be just the two of them and that they’d share a hotel room. However, when they picked her up, her boyfriend’s stepdad was in the car too. During the drive over, it became clear that she was to be sharing the hotel room with both the mom and the stepdad. She was uncomfortable with this but did not want to rock the boat. My husband and I felt the sleeping arrangements were completely inappropriate and booked a room for our daughter for the first night. We weren’t able to get a room for the second night, however, because everything was booked, so the stepfather stayed in his stepson’s dorm. Now my daughter is spitting mad at us. It has caused a real rift in our relationship. Did we do the wrong thing? We don’t know the family that well and just feel that a teenage girl shouldn’t be tricked into sharing a hotel room with a grown man. And how do we heal the relationship with our daughter?
—Teenage Daughter Is Mad
Re: You did the right thing. She won't be mad forever.
There was a great Twitter thread circulating the other day from a woman who talked about how much her mother emphasized to her to not be in uncomfortable situations and mom would come get her always and support her and how that's affected this woman in her adulthood (positively, btw). I wouldn't necessarily think there was any ill intent on the other family's part and it doesn't really matter.
I do think it was totally inappropriate on the BF's family's part to book the sleeping arrangements that way if they were going to invite the GF.
-Did the LW talk to the mom of the boyfriend when this happened? Was anything addressed at the time?
-Why does the LW feel that this is so inappropriate? I am assuming that they wouldn't be sharing a bed.
There seems to be some perceived ill-intent and pearl clutching here. In the future I'd hope that the parent of the girlfriend talks to the parents of the boyfriend so there's no confusion about the arrangements. A lot can be avoided if there was a conversation guardian to guardian.
However, there is a tone to the letter that I'm not a fan of. As if the situation was so "outrageous" and "suspicious". Gasp, the evil things this stepfather could have done to their daughter. No, LW, you're being overly dramatic on that. "Tricked" (eyeroll).
But the bottom line is, if the daughter felt uncomfortable, she felt uncomfortable. And the parents absolutely did the right and responsible thing to find a way to keep their daughter feeling safe and comfortable. And the b/f's parents also did the right thing, after making the gaffe of not mentioning the sleeping arrangements ahead of time...though I'm surprised neither the daughter and/or her parents did either. His parents knew either the parents or the girl or both were uncomfortable. And graciously made alternative arrangements also.
As for the rift, 17-year-olds are not the most rational creatures out there. I'm sure it will heal with time. And, in the meantime, they should keep reiterating that they were trying to support and help her in a situation she had said made her uncomfortable.
If it was JUST the step father I can understand but if the mom and step father were together pretty much the entire time except for when mom went to the bathroom I'm not understanding the ill-intent.
That said, I do think clear communication can help prevent a lot of this and it's telling me that in the future I'm going to be far better off picking up my own phone and talking about things like this from parent to parent.
And THEN, if the daughter is caught off guard I can ask her to put me on the phone when I can clear up things mother to mother.
Like did LW not talk to the parents beforehand? I feel like I personally would - where are you staying? Do you know the room number in case we need to reach you and child's cell is silent? What are sleeping arrangements? {ie; does room have 2 beds? 1 bed and pull out couch?}
Still, mom did the right thing. Sadly, we live in a world where young women are put in uncomfortable positions and then mocked for saying something far too often. It's a good lesson for her to learn that 1) it's ok to be uncomfortable and be vocal about it and 2) when it's hard, your mom has your back and will be your bad guy. I'm sure daughter got some flack about it and is embarrassed for admitting her discomfort, but she'll get over it.
Then the LW could have talked to the mom (even if it was at the hotel) to say, "It sounds like this isn't what we talked about. I think it's going to be best for DD to have a place of her own that's separate. "
Because by handling this as a mother-to-mother situation then it's the grown ups assessing this rather than having the daughter speaking up for herself but feeling stuck in the middle.