Wedding Woes

No advice, just empathy for everyone.

Dear Prudence,

Since Dad died last year, our mother has turned into a recluse. She will not leave our tiny hometown despite being in perfect health and having a car. All of my siblings and I live between two and six hours away. Two are married with small children. I have made the trip out twice a month since Dad’s death. My siblings have tried, but honestly, they shouldn’t have to. No one wants to sit in hours of traffic when they’re outnumbered by cranky toddlers in the backseat. Our mother puts a lot of pressure and guilt on seeing the grandbabies, but she will not go see them herself. The holidays are coming up—the first without Dad. My sister and brother both want to celebrate in their own homes this year. I agree, but what do we do about Mom? How do we persuade her to come rather than having us come to her? I can’t keep these trips up myself and have rotated holidays since my siblings got married.

—Isolated Mom

Re: No advice, just empathy for everyone.

  • This is sad. What about offering the pay for a plane ticket to the one that is 6 hrs away?  Maybe if a plane ticket is purchased she’d “have” to get out and use it?  

  • Maybe Dad always drove?  And she isn't comfortable with it?  I have relatives that don't drive after dark, so they miss out on some family stuff.

  • kerbohl said:
    Maybe Dad always drove?  And she isn't comfortable with it?  I have relatives that don't drive after dark, so they miss out on some family stuff.
    Right - but this is trying to find a solution so the answer isn't "Mom you need to get in a car and drive or you don't see us or the kids for Christmas."  
  • banana468 said:
    kerbohl said:
    Maybe Dad always drove?  And she isn't comfortable with it?  I have relatives that don't drive after dark, so they miss out on some family stuff.
    Right - but this is trying to find a solution so the answer isn't "Mom you need to get in a car and drive or you don't see us or the kids for Christmas."  
    True, true, I should have completed my thought.  If they know why Mom doesn't drive (is it depression?  Being uncomfortable driving?) they can find a solution, but I don't think this would be solved by just talking.  My MIL never drove, and after she separated from FIL she would expect my hubby to always drive her everywhere.  So I told him to drive WITH her to certain places so that she could get comfortable and then be able to drive there herself.  It seemed to work ... except it turns out she was using it as an excuse to get her own chauffeur or to not go places she didn't want to go, like our house ... which is 15 min away ...

  • kerbohl said:
    banana468 said:
    kerbohl said:
    Maybe Dad always drove?  And she isn't comfortable with it?  I have relatives that don't drive after dark, so they miss out on some family stuff.
    Right - but this is trying to find a solution so the answer isn't "Mom you need to get in a car and drive or you don't see us or the kids for Christmas."  
    True, true, I should have completed my thought.  If they know why Mom doesn't drive (is it depression?  Being uncomfortable driving?) they can find a solution, but I don't think this would be solved by just talking.  My MIL never drove, and after she separated from FIL she would expect my hubby to always drive her everywhere.  So I told him to drive WITH her to certain places so that she could get comfortable and then be able to drive there herself.  It seemed to work ... except it turns out she was using it as an excuse to get her own chauffeur or to not go places she didn't want to go, like our house ... which is 15 min away ...
    Yeah I think you need to handle each situation on a case by case.

    My parents are now in their late 60's and early 70's.   They live a highway hour away and my mom is now the long distance driver who hates driving at night.

    I have been showing her that we have both a queen sized bed in my office with a full bath that is separate from the rest of the house AND there are multiple hotels in the area so they do not have to do this drive all at once.   I'm asking my brother to help drive up.   There is a train that will take them to a location that is about 15 minutes away and I can pick them up.   Because Chiquita's birthday and Christmas are going to be at my home, the kids want to see their grandparents and they're healthy enough to get here so we need to figure out the best way to do this if they won't entertain the idea of moving.  But negotiating with aging parents isn't much more productive than negotiating with my 5 yo when he's refusing to eat.   The only difference is that parents can have a bit of an extra feeling of entitlement because they occasionally play the "I'm your mother" card. 
  • banana468 said:
    kerbohl said:
    Maybe Dad always drove?  And she isn't comfortable with it?  I have relatives that don't drive after dark, so they miss out on some family stuff.
    Right - but this is trying to find a solution so the answer isn't "Mom you need to get in a car and drive or you don't see us or the kids for Christmas."  
    This.  The first Christmas after MIL died (which she died the Friday before Thanksgiving that year), we went to BIL/SIL's in Cincy because SIL was due any day at that point (even though the stinker didn't show up until mid-January) and it was unspoken, but pretty obvious that FIL didn't want to be in town at all. 

    EVEN IF mom isn't participatory much in the planning, LW and their siblings *need* to make a plan to present to mom that puts the LEAST amount of strain or effort on her part.  If it's "get on this plane at this time" or "so-and-so will be at your house on this day to pick you up and take you to so-and-so's house for the holidays."  Mom may very well be extremely paralyzed by her grief and her reclusive behavior needs to be addressed, but the holidays are not the time to start taking a stand on mom's refusal to leave the house on her own. 

    LW and their siblings are going to have to make some sacrifices with time and travel (even with toddlers...yes, it's hard to road trip with littles, but not impossible) to help their mom.  But leaving her at home alone on the holidays because her current behavior is frustrating is just plain cruel. 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    banana468 said:
    kerbohl said:
    Maybe Dad always drove?  And she isn't comfortable with it?  I have relatives that don't drive after dark, so they miss out on some family stuff.
    Right - but this is trying to find a solution so the answer isn't "Mom you need to get in a car and drive or you don't see us or the kids for Christmas."  
    This.  The first Christmas after MIL died (which she died the Friday before Thanksgiving that year), we went to BIL/SIL's in Cincy because SIL was due any day at that point (even though the stinker didn't show up until mid-January) and it was unspoken, but pretty obvious that FIL didn't want to be in town at all. 

    EVEN IF mom isn't participatory much in the planning, LW and their siblings *need* to make a plan to present to mom that puts the LEAST amount of strain or effort on her part.  If it's "get on this plane at this time" or "so-and-so will be at your house on this day to pick you up and take you to so-and-so's house for the holidays."  Mom may very well be extremely paralyzed by her grief and her reclusive behavior needs to be addressed, but the holidays are not the time to start taking a stand on mom's refusal to leave the house on her own. 

    LW and their siblings are going to have to make some sacrifices with time and travel (even with toddlers...yes, it's hard to road trip with littles, but not impossible) to help their mom.  But leaving her at home alone on the holidays because her current behavior is frustrating is just plain cruel. 
    Yup.  And it's not fair to say that she doesn't get to see the grandkids when that may be the thing that's actually a silver lining in the dark cloud of the holidays.

    While my own situation isn't about death I'm trying to work with my parents to provide alternatives so that we can help them get to the locations of the celebration with the least amount of stress.   The answer of "It you can't get here you miss it" isn't going to work here.   In my situation I'm going to ask my brother to help out with some of the drive.   In the OP's there's going to have to be some help from some siblings.
  • Mom probably needs some time to still process her grief.  If anyone knows of any friends or her church, perhaps they can reach out to them to see if they can provide any assistance to her.  Or maybe seeing if a Meals on Wheels type of thing is available for some companionship?

    As for the holidays, I think one of the kids that is 2 hours away, could go pick up Mom and take her to their house for the holidays.  Maybe another could drive her back afterwards.  Or they can hire a driver to get mom to a halfway point where one of the siblings or LW could pick her up.  I also like the suggestion that they purchase a plane/train ticket for her to get home.

    For my great aunt, she did not drive.  But her one daughter, rightly, decided she couldn't spend the winter by herself anymore - there were other family issues at play too.  My aunt always came up for the holidays, so the first year, her daughter just made up an excuse for why no one could drive her home.  Aunt just accepted that she would stay with her daughter.  She was happier that winter and kept this "new tradition" up until she passed.  It was never a big deal during the other three seasons since her house was in a beach town and her kids, grand kids and nieces/nephews were always coming and going.  Maybe something like this can be done with LWs mom too.
  • LW's mother needs to seek grief counseling. That might help her open up and understand what her feelings are. Loss is hard, and it sometimes helps to have someone validate what you're feeling and help settle those feelings.
  • The children need to do what they can to get mom the therapeutic help she needs.  Grief counseling and/or support groups.  Visits from her priest/pastor/religious leader (if applicable).  I'd also suggest if there is a local charity she likes, to encourage her to do some volunteer work.

    But, at the same time, Mom needs to at least be open to that kind of help.  If she isn't/refuses, then while her kids should occasionally keep trying to gently encourage her, they also shouldn't feel guilt if she won't help herself.

    Maybe once she starts coping with her grief better, she would be more amenable to the idea of moving closer to her children.

    HOWEVER, for the holiday conundrum this year...sorrynotsorry...her kids need to suck it up.  Mom shouldn't be alone, even if she is being obstinate.  Plane, train, or automobile.  Or everyone meeting for the holidays at her house.  Not forever.  Not even next year.  But this first year is going to be the hardest and most heartbreaking.  It would be an important kindness for Mom to get to (mostly) dictate how she wants the holidays to be this year.

    I've been there, albeit not nearly the inconveniences the LW is talking about.  My father unexpectedly passed away fairly young.  It happened in early Oct.  My sister and I were both adults, but young.  My sister still lived at home.  I lived away at college, but was only about one hour away.

    That first holiday was so recent after his passing.  My mom asked us if it was okay if she didn't decorate at all because she just couldn't bear to do it.  Of course that was okay.  Both my sister and I assured her that, whatever she wanted to do, was fine with us.

    Including asking her questions like if she wants to go to a restaurant for Thanksgiving and/or Christmas, instead of cooking.  Or have us prepare or pick up meals.  Though she would have been out of luck if she'd asked us to prepare a turkey without her help, lol.  Not at those late teens/early 20s inexperienced ages!

    I'm hardly trying to paint myself and my sister as saints.  We did nothing special.  And here's where I'm judgy.  That's just how family should be in this situation.  I agree it's crappy of mom to lay on the guilt trips about not visiting more often (in general), when she won't go visit them.  But her first holiday without her H should be about her and I'm taken aback her children are digging their heels in.  As someone who avoids holiday traffic, like the plague.  I understand the major hassle.  They can have carte blanche to do what they want for future years.  But it's just this one year, this first year.  Give Mom a break, when she needs it most.     
    Exactly.   It's maybe the 2nd Christmas since he passed?  The siblings can get together with their partners and come up with a logistical plan to make this happen.   FFS I know my old coworker would fly with his MIL to and from Tennessee so she'd get to where she needed OK.  And if mom has been in the same home for years they can also enlist the help of local friends or they roll out the red carpet so that mom shows up for Christmas the Saturday before.   
  • Totally agree with @short+sassy. If this is the first Christmas without her H, the mother should be treated extremely sensitively and for the kids to threaten that she won't see the grandchildren if she doesn't travel is just downright mean. The woman is processing a deep grief (and I realize her children are mourning too). To be essentially abandoned by her children is just awful.
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