Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Woes
Wedding Woes
New Discussion
Options

You should have never opened your mouth to the wrong person.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My husband has been restoring a classic car with his nephew since he was 12. They had a very special bond and when he died last year at 17, it was like losing our own child. After the funeral, my husband couldn’t even go into the garage. For months, the car lay finished under the tarp. Someone suggested that we sell the car and make a donation in our nephew’s name. The idea of some good coming out of this senseless loss gave my husband and me a sense of peace.

The problem came when I mentioned this to my other sister-in-law. She thought the money should go to her two girls instead. My sister-in-law and her husband both have good jobs, college funds left by my late in-laws, and my husband and I have another one set up for both the girls. I told her I found her suggestion tasteless and money-grubbing, and that she should drop the subject. The look she gave me makes me doubt she heard me. I haven’t told my husband because I know it will hurt him. I am worried that if my sister-in-law ignores me, it will spark a permanent family rift. She’s never gotten along with her sister (my nephew’s mother) even in the best of times. The anniversary of the death is coming up. My husband wanted to involve his sister and her husband in which charity the money should be donated to or if they would want to create a scholarship at his school. I feel like I am sitting on a bomb.

—Car Trouble

Report Reply to Post

Re: You should have never opened your mouth to the wrong person.

  • Options
    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I would not bring it up and I would not address it. 

    What's the worst that happens if you're ignored by someone who is out of line? 
    Seriously - how on this planet is your SIL going to come out of this as the OK one? 

    Let this be a lesson:  don't bring up subjects like this until they're done and don't address them at all with people who have adversarial dispositions. 

    This is your H's project and therefore his decision.   Be like Elsa.   Let it go. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    I'd be on team 'let it go' if I thought that haterade SIL would not be tasteless.  I think I'd be concerned that he'd be blindsided by it and it could be a shitshow really fast.  He needs to know so that he can work out his emotions and/or a response before SIL can stick her foot in it. 

    LW is an idiot for telling SIL this information in the first place, knowing the contentious relationship between the two.  And then for exacerbating it by calling SIL money-grubbing.  Because FFS it's something you think, but don't say unless you're wanting to throw a bomb into the relationship. If LW was wanting to burn it down, then she needs to tell her H she said what she said. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    mrsconn23 said:
    I'd be on team 'let it go' if I thought that haterade SIL would not be tasteless.  I think I'd be concerned that he'd be blindsided by it and it could be a shitshow really fast.  He needs to know so that he can work out his emotions and/or a response before SIL can stick her foot in it. 

    LW is an idiot for telling SIL this information in the first place, knowing the contentious relationship between the two.  And then for exacerbating it by calling SIL money-grubbing.  Because FFS it's something you think, but don't say unless you're wanting to throw a bomb into the relationship. If LW was wanting to burn it down, then she needs to tell her H she said what she said. 
    That's also true.   I may not mention it to anyone else but H will need to process this if/when haterade opens her mouth.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    LW should tell husband what the out of line SIL said, but then work with the parents of the nephew to do what they all like with the money. Tactless SIL does not need to be involved, or accommodated here, but I’d feel bad if my H was blindsided by her saying something inappropriate while trying to do something incredibly kind. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I wouldn't tell him. LW is a twat for telling SIL.
    It's one thing if LW offered the money, it's another to ask for it.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I wouldn't tell him. LW is a twat for telling SIL.
    It's one thing if LW offered the money, it's another to ask for it.
    My issue with not telling him is that if haterade SIL does, it's going to be ugly and blindside him and possibly other SIL, who are still mourning this child. 

    I also think the haterade SIL needs to be exposed for the giant asshole she is. My brain cannot wrap itself around being that callous and so brazen about it. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I wouldn't tell him. LW is a twat for telling SIL.
    It's one thing if LW offered the money, it's another to ask for it.
    My issue with not telling him is that if haterade SIL does, it's going to be ugly and blindside him and possibly other SIL, who are still mourning this child. 

    I also think the haterade SIL needs to be exposed for the giant asshole she is. My brain cannot wrap itself around being that callous and so brazen about it. 
    Fair. I mean I wouldn't wanna jump on the spouse and announce it. You almost need to tread lightly on telling him
    Report Reply
  • Options
    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I wouldn't tell him. LW is a twat for telling SIL.
    It's one thing if LW offered the money, it's another to ask for it.
    My issue with not telling him is that if haterade SIL does, it's going to be ugly and blindside him and possibly other SIL, who are still mourning this child. 

    I also think the haterade SIL needs to be exposed for the giant asshole she is. My brain cannot wrap itself around being that callous and so brazen about it. 
    Fair. I mean I wouldn't wanna jump on the spouse and announce it. You almost need to tread lightly on telling him
    Oh I think it needs to be done privately and LW needs to choose words carefully. 

    But can you imagine if H says, "I've sold the car and we've agreed to donate it to xx charity." And hater SIL lights him up over not giving it to her kids, he argues back, and then it comes out that she knew this was the plan and that LW knew of SIL's objections and gave him zero warning that this could be the reaction? 
    This is where I’m at; I’d feel awful if my H was doing something wonderful to deal with grief & I knew someone close to the family could have a bad, public reaction. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Exactly.   If my H's family member said something to me about our plans that I thought was a load of shit I'd tell him.

    Hell, when his mom looked at the diamond earrings DH gave me when we were dating for a year and said, "Those should be on your finger," I told DH as soon as we were in the car.   I felt that he needs to know when unwelcome opinions were inserted.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    missJeanLouise said:
    Am I missing something? Husband has 2 sisters. Sister1 has a son who tragically died and Sister2  thinks the proceeds from Husband and Sister1's child hobby should go to Sister2's children?? How? Why? And honestly who cares what she thinks should happen to the money? I would tell my husband but mostly out of astonishment. 

    I doubt this is the first time sister2 has had a selfish reaction. I bet her brother won't be blindsided or surprised.
    I especially agree with this.  She should mention it to her H, but I don't think she should make a big deal about it.  More like something said, in passing, "Oh, just to give you a heads up in case it comes up again.  Your sister said we should put the money for the car into your nieces college fund.  I took care of it and told her that isn't happening."

    To be fair, as eye-rolling as the SIL's suggestion was...unless there was more said in the conversation that she didn't mention in the letter...I think the LW's reaction was too harsh.  I mean, she called her "tasteless and money grubbing".  And this was the SIL's nephew also.  I'm sure she is grieving also.  A better way to have handled it would have been to say something like she did in the letter.  Like, "This car was a special bond between my H and our nephew.  It is fitting for us and gives us comfort to continue that bond and donate the proceeds in our nephew's name."
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards