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Shouldn't you talk to your partner instead of your friends?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I (a 45-year-old single mom) am dating an incredible man. We are both divorced (me amicably, him after a brutal court battle that wiped out his inheritance). For a number of reasons, but primarily due to his understandable disillusionment with the idea of marriage, we have decided that although we are deeply committed to each other we will not be getting married.

I am fine with this arrangement and look forward to spending my life with him. That said, I’m wondering if there is a way to signal to the rest of the world that we are no longer auditioning each other. Would it be weird/misleading/overcompensating to wear a band on my left hand? My friends say my desire to do this means I’m secretly resentful that we’re not getting married, but I’m honestly not. I just want to somehow commemorate our decision to be “committed but not married” forever. Your thoughts?

—Not Getting Married

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Re: Shouldn't you talk to your partner instead of your friends?

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    banana468banana468 member
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    Yeah - how about you talk to your partner?    Tell him what you want!  

    Also, I think you ARE secretly wanting some sign that you are in a permanent place and some people just do not do that.   So you need to figure out what's important to you here: the relationship or the symbol of it.  


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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    Talk to the other person in the relationship! If you want an outward symbol of commitment (which is totally fine!) you need to talk to the person you’re committing too. 

    If he’s on board, great! Pick out something you love, wear it proudly and ignore what other people say. 
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    Definitely talk to the spouse.
    My mum has zero desire to get married again - despite her bf asking - but they opted to do "promise rings"
    She wears hers on another finger because she still wears her wedding band.
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    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    K and I wear bands.  See what your partner thinks/wants and take it from there.  Your friends suck and can't understand the point of a symbol. 
    �
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    VarunaTT said:
    K and I wear bands.  See what your partner thinks/wants and take it from there.  Your friends suck and can't understand the point of a symbol. 
    Genuine question, would you and K ever get married?
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    downtondivadowntondiva member
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    I see nothing wrong with getting rings to symbolize and celebrate your commitment to each other. But talking to your friends won't really answer your question - talk to your partner!
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    banana468banana468 member
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    VarunaTT said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    VarunaTT said:
    K and I wear bands.  See what your partner thinks/wants and take it from there.  Your friends suck and can't understand the point of a symbol. 
    Genuine question, would you and K ever get married?
    I'm not there yet.  I'm not sure I can get there.  I was married for a looong time and exH left me with some baggage that now, instead of marriage providing security, stability, and happiness, it feels like being caged in and stifled.  I don't see marriage as a positive healthy thing yet and I think that's just going to take time and healing to get past.

    K jokes that they would've "locked it down" about 4 months in. (Imagine smiley face here, b/c I hate The Knot's emojis).  We've had many long talks about it, b/c I don't think it's fair to saddle K with my issues re: marriage if marriage is what they really want for their life. For now, they are okay with our status quo (committed and monogamous and planning future together), but know that if it changes, a different conversation needs to happen.

    ETA:  For me.  I'm past the part of hating the institution of marriage overall and I love that I have married/engaged friends, but I still don't see marriage as a healthy thing for me.  It's really hard for me not to fall into some unhealthy patterns and I don't see marriage as helping me not do that.
    You remind me of an uncle of mine.

    He was married and divorced 3 times.   I think his longest marriage was probably around 10 years to his first wife and mother of my cousins and the end was not his choice.   One can argue why the other two ended and I know I'm biased but I saw their ending as the result of personality conflicts due to difficulties on the part of his spouses.

    About 6 mo before DH and I got married he started dating his current partner.   They live together, are not married and thus far have no plans to be married.   It seems to be the best relationship to date - so don't mess with it! 
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    While I have no issue with the LW wearing a ring on their left hand as long as their partner is cool with that, I did find the way they phrased it odd..."That said, I’m wondering if there is a way to signal to the rest of the world that we are no longer auditioning each other."

    The "rest of the world" does not need a "signal".  How often does that even come up?  Even in my prime, single days when I was out on the town and often had offers of drinks/dates/exchange numbers, a simple, "Thank you, but I'm here with someone/have a boyfriend/not interested/whatever," was all I needed to say 95% of the time.  NBD.
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    banana468banana468 member
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    Yeah - the other thing I forgot is that there are several people in my life who don't wear wedding rings.  

    My father is one of them.   He and my mom will be married 43 years in two months.   

    I could be wrong but I don't think my mom ever thought, "How can I make sure the world knows that this man is off the market?"   
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    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    short+sassy said:
    While I have no issue with the LW wearing a ring on their left hand as long as their partner is cool with that, I did find the way they phrased it odd..."That said, I’m wondering if there is a way to signal to the rest of the world that we are no longer auditioning each other."

    The "rest of the world" does not need a "signal".  How often does that even come up?  Even in my prime, single days when I was out on the town and often had offers of drinks/dates/exchange numbers, a simple, "Thank you, but I'm here with someone/have a boyfriend/not interested/whatever," was all I needed to say 95% of the time.  NBD.
    Unfortunately, there are lots of people in this world who don't respect long term relationships that don't end up in a marriage.  Even in the queer world (and maybe it's b/c I'm a femme dating another femme presenting person. so we've really messed up that UHaul Date), there's "why haven't y'all gotten married?  Is there a problem?" questions.  Me, being me, put the damn kibosh on that crap and it doesn't happen much anymore.  And it's hard not to let that get to you sometimes.
    �
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    banana468 said:
    Yeah - the other thing I forgot is that there are several people in my life who don't wear wedding rings.  

    My father is one of them.   He and my mom will be married 43 years in two months.   

    I could be wrong but I don't think my mom ever thought, "How can I make sure the world knows that this man is off the market?"   
    That's a good point also.  My father rarely wore a wedding ring because of his work (electrician).

    My H doesn't wear a wedding ring, because he can't stand wearing jewelry of any kind.  He actually doesn't even have one, lol.  We used my father's ring during our wedding ceremony for "symbol" purposes and then gave it back to my mom later that day.

    I don't care he doesn't wear a wedding ring.  He knows who he belongs to, lmao ;).
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    short+sassy said:
    banana468 said:
    Yeah - the other thing I forgot is that there are several people in my life who don't wear wedding rings.  

    My father is one of them.   He and my mom will be married 43 years in two months.   

    I could be wrong but I don't think my mom ever thought, "How can I make sure the world knows that this man is off the market?"   
    That's a good point also.  My father rarely wore a wedding ring because of his work (electrician).

    My H doesn't wear a wedding ring, because he can't stand wearing jewelry of any kind.  He actually doesn't even have one, lol.  We used my father's ring during our wedding ceremony for "symbol" purposes and then gave it back to my mom later that day.

    I don't care he doesn't wear a wedding ring.  He knows who he belongs to, lmao ;).
    :O same!
    He was more in the shop but would electrical tape his ring if he was working on stuff
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    banana468banana468 member
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    My dad's an electrician too!   His career is why he told my mom he wasn't going to get one.   He didn't see the point.
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