Wedding Woes

Intrusive ableists

Dear Prudence,

I am a below-the-knee amputee. The type of prosthesis I wear has two different silicone components, so there are some thicker layers around my knee. I wear shorts all the time because pants put yet another layer of material and pressure on my knee. I was not in the military, but because I’m a relatively fit man, people often assume I lost my foot in combat, sometimes even thanking me for my service. I always correct them. But it bothers me that they are making assumptions.

I don’t mind it if a child asks about my leg because it gives me the opportunity to talk about the importance of wearing a seat belt. I’ll even let them check out my prosthesis, touch it, or answer their questions, because they may not have ever seen one before. Adults are a different story. It really irritates me when they’re nosy. I don’t want to talk about it. I usually just tell them the truth, that I was in a car accident, but it really gets to me that people treat me like I’m some sideshow act. I’m tough about a lot of things, but sometimes I’ll break down thinking about what everyone must think about me if so many people just have to know “what happened.” What can I say that will get me out of the conversation, while also conveying the message that it is rude to ask in the first place? And am I just being oversensitive?

—Stop Asking

Re: Intrusive ableists

  • "I prefer not to talk about it"

    Just because you have a visible 'scar' does not mean that it's up for public discussion. 
  • “What happened to you that makes you think it’s okay to ask invasive personal questions to people you don’t know”? 
  • I, yet again, cannot fathom what is wrong with some of the people out there.

    I appreciate that he's so understanding when children ask questions.  But, yes, adults should know better.  I really sympathize.  It must be tiring to be asked so often, about a painful episode in one's life, smh.
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  • I literally would never ask someone (let alone a stranger) something like that. Who are these clueless fools out in the world like this?


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  • I'm continually amazed by people who are so curious about other people that they feel the need to ask strangers such intrusive questions. I can't imagine bringing this up with a friend or someone I knew; this is something you wait for them to talk about when they're ready to share.

    "I don't like to talk about it and it's really none of your business" seems just fine to me. 
  • There's a level of curiosity humans have, but I swear to god people need to learn to fight it.

    Kids don't even know boundaries, why would they know how to fight to need to ask everything?
  • There's nothing wrong with firmly saying to any of these adults that you don't want to talk about it. 

    Maybe I'm more polite or overly cautious about people's feelings than I thought, but it would never occur to me to question someone about something this sensitive. The way I see it, if they want to tell me, they're welcome to do so, but I am not going to put them on the spot and force them to talk about it.
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