Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Woes
Wedding Woes
New Discussion

Don't try to tell them anything.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I’ve always had a rocky relationship with my dad and stepmom, but over the past year things had improved. Before the pandemic, they had planned a camping trip to my state in May, and I was to join them for a few days. But the national parks are now closed, and local residents have asked tourists to stay away over fears that our small, rural hospitals will be completely overwhelmed. I’ve suggested that they postpone their trip, but they reply that people who are afraid of the coronavirus are “pussies” and they’ll be coming whether or not the parks are open. I know I should be more pointed with them about how reckless this is, but I’m afraid that my dad will turn his anger on me and our relationship will sour once again. How can I be direct and protect myself at the same time?

—Vacation Conundrum

Report Reply to Post

Re: Don't try to tell them anything.

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    If you're scared of your dad flipping the anger switch, are we sure this relationship really has improved? Are you sure that's something you really still want? 

    I can't say LW needs to distance themselves from dad, but it's what I would probably do. 

    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,

    I’ve always had a rocky relationship with my dad and stepmom, but over the past year things had improved. Before the pandemic, they had planned a camping trip to my state in May, and I was to join them for a few days. But the national parks are now closed, and local residents have asked tourists to stay away over fears that our small, rural hospitals will be completely overwhelmed. I’ve suggested that they postpone their trip, but they reply that people who are afraid of the coronavirus are “pussies” and they’ll be coming whether or not the parks are open. I know I should be more pointed with them about how reckless this is, but I’m afraid that my dad will turn his anger on me and our relationship will sour once again. How can I be direct and protect myself at the same time?

    —Vacation Conundrum

    "Dad and Janice, the local government has put out this attached advisory stating that they are asking those from out of the area to refrain from coming here.   The following places are closed and will not be open as originally planned.   I am hoping to see you both when these advisories are lifted and do hope that you respect the requests of the local authorities despite any opinions on the matter that you have.   If you do come here as planned I hope you are as safe as possible and I will continue to be socially distancing as I isolate at home." 

    Sometimes I will say that you need to pick up the phone but if this is a guy who gets huffy, who thinks that this is not about your health and that he'll be damned if the government tells him where he can go (::cough:: FIL:: cough::) then sometimes you need to handle things by a direct statement that can be well thought out, that does not allow for voices to reach higher decibels and that conveys the point that you can't control anyone other than yourself. 


    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    MyNameIsNot said:
    If you're scared of your dad flipping the anger switch, are we sure this relationship really has improved? Are you sure that's something you really still want? 

    I can't say LW needs to distance themselves from dad, but it's what I would probably do. 

    Meh -  to a certain degree it's what I've done with FIL who I normally adore despite having differing viewpoints.   Often we can discuss things without arguing but we did two months ago and I haven't felt compelled to engage on the topic du jour.  Instead, they live 2 miles away and I think he has felt the coolness that is both mine but more importantly his own son's view on the matter.    The answer is that we aren't going to tell him WHAT to do, but we'd be far more open to having them over where they can see their son, two of their grandchildren and their DIL if he stopped leaving the house.    

    DH hasn't pointedly said to his father, "Dude, you keep leaving and if you stopped it we'd be seeing you," but he also hasn't mentioned anything to his father either.   And FIL should know well enough to read between the lines. 
    Report Reply
  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Ditto sharing an official government statement first.  I threw Cuomo's executive order "no unecessary gatherings of any size for any reason" at my mom and siblings when they were mad at me over my Cherry Blossom party rsvp.  Don't make it about yourself but about society.  I know LW doesn't want to ruffle feathers but this would be a hill to die on, unfortunately.
    (side-note the Maine location reminds me, but my family and I are all nervous about our beloved NH trips this summer.  None of us want to bring our NY germs to New England.  Really hope things get better soon :/)
    Report Reply
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    If you're afraid of making your father angry and ruining your relationship again just by pointing out something for his own health and safety, your relationship isn't as improved as you think. Sorry, but it's the truth.

    Tell them that you're not joining them on the camping trip. Your safety is more important than keeping them happy. If your father flips out or calls you names, tell him you're sorry he feels that way but your decision is final. Then I'm afraid you'll have to accept that your relationship with them is still rocky and will probably remain so.
    image
    Report Reply
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    Agreed that the sentiment that they don't have an improved relationship if LW doesn't want to anger their dad.  

    I think LW needs to make it clear that they're not joining the trip because of social distancing and also that the parks are closed (or might still be closed).  IDK why their dad thinks they're going to show up anyway, damn if the park is open or not.  Because if the parks are closed, where are they going to stay?  I hope the assumption isn't with LW.  If it is, LW does need to make it clear that their home isn't an option.   

    I know it's little info, but I'm really scratching my head at why LW agreed to this trip to begin with. Like what about a dinner or something first to see if you really want to spend time with these people? 
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    downtondiva said:
    If you're afraid of making your father angry and ruining your relationship again just by pointing out something for his own health and safety, your relationship isn't as improved as you think. Sorry, but it's the truth.

    Tell them that you're not joining them on the camping trip. Your safety is more important than keeping them happy. If your father flips out or calls you names, tell him you're sorry he feels that way but your decision is final. Then I'm afraid you'll have to accept that your relationship with them is still rocky and will probably remain so.
    I'm going to take a slight issue with this.

    The LW's dad isn't alone here in the frustration that he is has and is experiencing.

    And while the "for pussies" thing is clearly an issue and an inappropriate response, we're also saying that this isn't the time to declare a relationship (romantic or otherwise) dead due to the extreme stress on people.   I think the bolded statement really isn't fair. 
    Report Reply
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    banana468 said:
    downtondiva said:
    If you're afraid of making your father angry and ruining your relationship again just by pointing out something for his own health and safety, your relationship isn't as improved as you think. Sorry, but it's the truth.

    Tell them that you're not joining them on the camping trip. Your safety is more important than keeping them happy. If your father flips out or calls you names, tell him you're sorry he feels that way but your decision is final. Then I'm afraid you'll have to accept that your relationship with them is still rocky and will probably remain so.
    I'm going to take a slight issue with this.

    The LW's dad isn't alone here in the frustration that he is has and is experiencing.

    And while the "for pussies" thing is clearly an issue and an inappropriate response, we're also saying that this isn't the time to declare a relationship (romantic or otherwise) dead due to the extreme stress on people.   I think the bolded statement really isn't fair. 
    See, I think we interpreted what LW said differently. I took "turn his anger on me" as meaning that the father always has a bad temper, regardless of the pandemic, and LW is scared to provoke him in any way. That's why I said what I did.
    image
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    downtondiva said:
    banana468 said:
    downtondiva said:
    If you're afraid of making your father angry and ruining your relationship again just by pointing out something for his own health and safety, your relationship isn't as improved as you think. Sorry, but it's the truth.

    Tell them that you're not joining them on the camping trip. Your safety is more important than keeping them happy. If your father flips out or calls you names, tell him you're sorry he feels that way but your decision is final. Then I'm afraid you'll have to accept that your relationship with them is still rocky and will probably remain so.
    I'm going to take a slight issue with this.

    The LW's dad isn't alone here in the frustration that he is has and is experiencing.

    And while the "for pussies" thing is clearly an issue and an inappropriate response, we're also saying that this isn't the time to declare a relationship (romantic or otherwise) dead due to the extreme stress on people.   I think the bolded statement really isn't fair. 
    See, I think we interpreted what LW said differently. I took "turn his anger on me" as meaning that the father always has a bad temper, regardless of the pandemic, and LW is scared to provoke him in any way. That's why I said what I did.
    OK fair point.  

    I think I probably internalized it.   And I'm not going to scrap relationships with those I love that have been solid over our differing viewpoints.   I AM keeping the doors locked though. 
    Report Reply
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    banana468 said:
    downtondiva said:
    If you're afraid of making your father angry and ruining your relationship again just by pointing out something for his own health and safety, your relationship isn't as improved as you think. Sorry, but it's the truth.

    Tell them that you're not joining them on the camping trip. Your safety is more important than keeping them happy. If your father flips out or calls you names, tell him you're sorry he feels that way but your decision is final. Then I'm afraid you'll have to accept that your relationship with them is still rocky and will probably remain so.
    I'm going to take a slight issue with this.

    The LW's dad isn't alone here in the frustration that he is has and is experiencing.

    And while the "for pussies" thing is clearly an issue and an inappropriate response, we're also saying that this isn't the time to declare a relationship (romantic or otherwise) dead due to the extreme stress on people.   I think the bolded statement really isn't fair. 
    This is a relationship that's been strained for some time. We don't know why it's been rocky, but LW is legitimately afraid of dad's anger and of that anger ruining the relationship. Add that dad's reaction to the park closure is extreme and irrational. This isn't a situation where a parent and adult child have a normally healthy relationship but are at odds on one issue. 
    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards