sex drive mismatch

Re: sex drive mismatch

• kerbohl member

  

  April 2020

  How hard did he elbow the dog?  And how long did she spend consoling the dog?  Those things would make a big difference.  Unless she used the dog as an excuse to not have sex ... it would take a minute tops to make sure the dog was fine, and if he assumes that if she hasn't responded in a minute that she isn't interested, he may need to learn a bit of patience.  

  
  

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• banana468 member

  

  April 2020

  Use. Your. Words. 
  
  "Dude, you elbowed the dog and he let out a whimper.  I'm going to assess the situation first to make sure that the animal with no words is OK." 
  
  But you also need to work on ways that you two can communicate and know when the light is green or red.   And be more open when it's yellow?  The huffing and grumping isn't a turn on  but also know that if your husband is trying to get laid he's also desiring you.  Is your lack of desire related to your libido as a whole or is it in the relationship?  Can you talk to him about ways to help stimulate you?  Can you talk to him and tell him that your desire is more to cuddle even if it means that he's more enjoyable for him?  Would you be OK with him completing in the act if it meant you didn't but you were cuddling later? 
  
  I know that I have to tell DH that grabbing my boob can be funny but if the goal it to turn me on he should know better.   He's now pretty good w/ my signals so he can get me revved up in better ways to be open to the idea.   
  
  Bottom line: talk to each other because if he's feeling rejected it's going to mount up.   So figure out how you can both be there for each other. 
  
  
  

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• ei34 member

  

  April 2020

  My H's favorite time of the month are those days when I'm ovulating and a ravenous teenager and in the mood for sex like 3 times a day.  The rest of the month I rarely initiate.  It's just my sex drive *shrugs*  H knows his best shots are in the morning when I'm not drained, post-workout when I'm getting into the shower, or the end of the day if it's a day he's been off and helpful with the house/kid stuff.  And he knows because I've told him.  I never want him to feel rejected or like his needs aren't met.  But he knows when to approach me for best results, so to speak.  LW should lay it out for their H, that last sentence is a lose-lose. 
  
  

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• short+sassy member

  

  April 2020

  They should talk together during a time that is not related to one of these huffy/angry disagreements.  Tell some of the things said in the letter and the feelings involved.  Set expectations on both sides.
  
  I read a similar letter years ago and I thought the LW and her b/f came up with a good plan, to better help tell the difference between "I just want to cuddle" and "I'm open to sex" without it having to be a potentially rejecting conversation for him.  She had a specific necklace.  If she was wearing the necklace, sexy time that night was an option.  If she wasn't wearing the necklace, it was cuddles only.
  
  I had a long-time b/f in my youth who was like this, at least with the huffy part.  We didn't live together.  When I would turn him down, he would just be in this pouty mood for the rest of the date.  I found I was falling into a bad habit where I would agree to have sex with him to "get it over with", just so my night wasn't ruined by hanging out with Mr. Grumpy.
  
  I finally realized how unhealthy that was and it isn't something I should have to put up with.  So I talked to him about it at a calm time.  I told him that I know our sex drives are different and I try to do my part by having sex with him more than I'm normally in the mood for.  But sometimes I'm just not and he needs to have a better attitude when that happens.  I described how he ruins my night and hurts my feelings when I tell him "no" and he either harasses me until I say "yes" or subjects me to him being pouty and in a bad mood for hours.  I gave him a warning that I'm not doing that anymore.  No means no and that's my final answer.  If he starts to try to "talk me into it" or gets in a pissy mood, I'm ending the date.
  
  To give him a lot of credit, he sincerely listened to what I said and took it to heart.  Still, I fully expected there to be some backslide and I'd have to put my money where my mouth is and end the date to make my point.  But I was very pleasantly surprised that I never had to do that.  The problem stopped after that conversation. 

  

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  May 2020

  The huffing and grumbling is manipulative. He’s trying to guilt the LW into sexy and that’s never okay. For anyone. 

  
  

  I agree they need to communicate more but honestly the H is an ass if he’s trying to cajole his wife into sex. 

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