Fiancé wants ex's brother to be in wedding party

Re: Fiancé wants ex's brother to be in wedding party

• MyNameIsNot member

  

  May 2020

  knottieafc30855548683c0 said:

  Okay, I might sound crazy. Hear me out. My fiancé and I have been together for a year and a half. He mentioned this friend a couple times, but the friend lived out of state and they didn't keep in touch. The guy moved back to town, didn't tell my fiancé, until we ran into him one day. Now they talk occasionally, but to me that doesn't seem like a great friend. My problem is, my fiancé dated this dudes sister for 2 years and it is like that "one" ex that really messed you up. So he is still very hurt by her, and by proxy I get upset because I don't like the fact that she hurt him. I know the brother wasn't the one that did the "damage" and so I shouldn't hold that against him, but whenever we have been around him he is not very kind to me and always brings up his sister (talk about awkward). I don't mind him coming to the wedding, but it makes me uncomfortable to have him in the wedding party. I told my fiancé I would give it time and try to get to know this guy better, but it never seems to happen. My fiancé doesn't have a ton of friends, but I don't think just sticking a halfway friend in the party to "make it even" makes sense. I don't think I am unreasonable in this making me uncomfortable and I don't think I would have a problem with it if they had kept a better friendship or if the relationship between my fiancé and his ex had not ended so badly. What should I do?
  
  (p.s. the ex's parents have consistently told my fiancé's family that they wish their daughter had ended up with him and they do not like her husband, ect..) 

  If you're still threatened by his ex or there are still lingering feelings on his part, don't get married. Those things don't magically go away once you're legally bound, but they do fester and get worse. 
  
  You don't get to choose his side of the WP, and he doesn't to choose yours. You voiced your concerns with his friend, that's all you can do. It's not up to you to decide whether a friend is close enough to make the cut.
  
  If you have concerns with him being friends with this person at all, it should be handled outside of the wedding, but it really sounds like your problems with this friendship are related to the unresolved feelings about the ex. 

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• downtondiva member

  

  May 2020

  You're allowed to voice concerns about someone who your fiance is considering asking to be in the wedding party, but the final decision is still his. While you are right that it's kind of ridiculous to ask someone you're not close to just to "make it even," if you've already talked to him about your concerns, there isn't much else you can do at this point. 
  
  How long ago did your fiance and this ex-girlfriend break up? More than anything having to do with your wedding, I find it worrying that he seems not to be over her or the hurt that she caused him. Certain hurts are hard to forget, but if he's engaged to you now but still hung up on what happened with the ex, I think that's a problem. And I can't help but wonder if this friendship with the ex's brother has something to do with feelings about her that he can't let go.
  
  I agree with @MyNameIsNot that if the ex is causing you insecurity and he still has lingering feelings about her and whatever pain she caused, you need to hold off on getting married until that's somehow resolved. Dealing with this is more important than wedding planning.

  
  

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