I'd keep it on the DL until you're 'legal'.

mrsconn23 · May 2020

Dear Prudence,

How and when should I come clean about my immigration status to my future in-laws? When I met my significant other, I told them I was undocumented early on, because I saw a future together but couldn’t do a lot of things (like international travel) due to my legal status. My partner was very understanding and supportive, and we’ve now been together for five years. I’ve never told their family, in part for fear of discrimination against myself, but also because my family is undocumented too. I’ve been able to dodge questions but on one occasion was painted into a corner: We were all at a restaurant together, and the discussion turned to immigration. One relative started asking me if I “had [my] papers.” I panicked and said I did before changing the subject.

Now we want to get married, and I’m terrified about breaking the news to my partner’s family. I’m honestly scared they’ll think I’m taking advantage of my partner for a visa when I dearly love them. Should we tell them before the marriage? My partner wants to keep them in the dark forever since they’re worried about my anxiety, but I’m worried that it’ll only backfire on us when they eventually find out.

—Scared of In-Laws

banana468 · May 2020

This is one of those situations where I wonder why the OP wants to tell. What comes of it? I'd keep that on a need to know basis.

downtondiva · May 2020

I don't see any value in telling them, especially if you think they can't be trusted with this information, which is the impression I'm getting.

VarunaTT · May 2020

Fiance is fine with not telling and it's their family, so LW needs to just leave it alone.

Also, who the hell asks about something like that?

levioosa · May 2020

Tbh a throw down question like that would be enough for me to cut some people off. They all sound like peaches.

MyNameIsNot · May 2020

If partner doesn't want to tell their family, follow that lead. It's none of their business and there's no reason to think it will eventually come out.

But also, WTF with this "do you have your papers" question in a restaurant? WhereTF was the partner then, and who thinks that's an acceptable question? Hopefully LW isn't subjected to that asshole anymore.

climbingsingle · May 2020

Again, I don't see a reason to tell them.

short+sassy · May 2020

There is no reason his family needs to know. It isn't their business. The LW and her FI should give the icy stare if a rude question like that is ever asked again and tell them it's none of their business.

Perhaps even a little creativity, like this:

Rude IL: "Do you have your papers?"
LW (excited face): "Are you hiring? Great! I like where I'm working but always looking for a good opportunity."
Rude IL: "What? No, I'm not hiring. I want to know if you have your papers."
LW (pretend confused face): "But, if I'm not filling out an I-9 for your company, then my immigration status isn't any of your business."

charlotte989875 · May 2020

You don’t need to indulge your racists FILs curiosity, so don’t. Your partner doesn’t care to tell them, so don’t. It’s none of their business.

Prudie then of the week: people aren’t entitled to private information just because they want to know.

MesmrEwe · May 2020

They don't need to know - HOWEVER - sure as heck get the paperwork going to make legal status legal as it takes a long time to get done (friends have been through this - it's a nightmare, but not nearly as much as down the road should they choose to have kids and something goes haywire. Many have navigated the road they need to travel, but get the work done and Bean dip should the papers discussion come up again. OTOH, never know when the person asking would actually be an advocate so it's entirely dependent upon the individual situation even if the question wasn't delivered in the most diplomatic form.

I'd keep it on the DL until you're 'legal'.

Re: I'd keep it on the DL until you're 'legal'.

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